Alright, so… I decided to do some fan fiction reviews now and then. I want to give this blog some sort of a direction although the point of it was to just… Post whatever I felt like it at any given time. There are too many possibilities to choose from ‘whatever I feel like it’ though, so I decided to narrow it down a bit and divide my posts into: reviews, daily life things, random fiction (this is where my Skyrim posts will go, I will continue that), and personal thoughts.
I know I’ve commented on things before, but those weren’t proper reviews, this is going to be a bit more in depth, and bit more serious. Well, from now on, because I’m not sure how seriously one can review the thing I’m about to review in this post, I’ll try, but I can’t see it working too well.
When it comes to fan fiction I will be judging based on:
WQ: Writing Quality (structure, grammar, cliches, and such)
CD: Character Depth
RFC: Respect For Canon (aka the source material)
As a rule I will not review fan fiction based either on works of fiction I love too much (Doctor Who, for instance), or works of fiction I’m unfamiliar with. It would be unfair of me to do either.
The piece I plan on reviewing fails in all of the above categories and more, but I decided to start with it because I think something like this needs an analysis. Not to mention this is what first drew me into the bottomless pit of doom which is the world of so-bad-its-good fan fiction.
This fan fic itself is not good, but holy crap it is hilarious. If you know My Immortal then you were already expecting it to be the subject of this review, if you don’t… Nothing I can say will be able to top the actual experience of reading this, but I will do my very best to get my point across. So let’s begin.
What is My Immortal: My Immortal is a Harry Potter fan fiction piece, or it somewhat called itself that despite having nothing Harry Potter like in it aside from (misspelled and mixed up) character names and the fact that it takes place in an Americanized version of Hogwarts.
What I know about the Author: My Immortal was written by one Ebon-… ehem… Tara Gilesbie (aka XXXbloodyrists666XXX), and initially proofread by her friend Raven (bloodytearz666). Do you know how I’m always somewhat mentioning my friend Sarah in this blog and we constantly comment on each other’s pages and stuff? It was something like that only a retarded 12-year-old version of that. At some point around chapter 16 they had a falling out and Raven stopped helping out with the story, which is presumably the cause for the grammar and spelling to drop to abysmal levels. Later on they seem to have patched things up, but the quality of the fic (and I use the term ‘quality’ very loosely here) never goes back to what it was. I said Raven’s proofreading was presumably responsible for the drop in quality because a lot of people believe this was all the work of a troll and that Tara, Raven, and the Hacker who is said to be the reason the story ends on a cliffhanger (that no one was really torn up about, I assume, since the damn thing barely has any coherent plot) as Tara was permanently cut off from her Fanfiction.net account as a result of said hacking, are all the same person or an anonymous group of people playing roles. I don’t know which is which, and honestly, thinking that this was done on purpose doesn’t make it any less horrible. You know what, here’s a wiki page if you want to know more. I just want to get through this with my sanity somewhat intact. According to the wiki Tara was around 11-12 years old at the time the story was published. It does not excuse how horrible it is. If anything it raises all sorts of questions, such as “Where the fuck were this kid’s parents?”
What The Story is About: I have no idea. *sigh* I guess I’ll have to at least try to explain though.
On with it:
The main character is called Ebony (although sometimes is Enoby, Eboby Evony, Enovy and so on) Dark’ness (that apostrophe is there to make you want to punch yourself before even reaching the end of the very first line) Dementia (fitting) Raven (after her friend, d’aaaaw *puke*) Way (“I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie” < Actual quote on how this kid, or at least her fictional persona, is so hot for the lead singer of My Chemical Romance that regular fantasies are not enough, only incest fantasies will do. Thank you, Tara Gilesbie, for making me feel normal about wanting to lure Adam Gontier into my stalker van with the promise of candy and keep him forever >.>). In case my comments were too disruptive and you didn’t catch all that, the name is: Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way. She’s on her 7th year of Hogwarts (despite never attending any classes), which makes her 17 years old, she’s a vampire (which has very little implications in this universe), a ‘goff’ (which we know means goth because it was spelled correctly once and only once), a satanist, and a complete moron.
Do you know how there were people doing readings of Twilight on YouTube (most famously Alex Day) and they complained about how vague Bella’s description was (if you didn’t, you do now; that happened)? Well, we don’t have that problem with Ebony. We know exactly what she looks like, basically, she’s Amy Lee (who I feel terribly sorry for), but not really: “I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).” We also know what she (and each character, important or not) is wearing in every freaking scene… Sometimes more than twice in each scene. Characters get dressed in this story even when they just got dressed 30 seconds ago. Every time they do we get a lengthy description of their outfits and make up. Let me sum that up for you guys: It’s pretty much always the same freaking outfit.
The love of Enoby’s life is Draco Malfoy (iiw), but that doesn’t stop her from wanting to fuck pretty much any guy who a) is hot b) knows Good Charlotte or My Chemical Romance lyrics, and she gets to because everyone (except for Dumbledore, thank God) wants to fuck her too. Including freaking Hedwig. Yes, Hedwig as in Harry’s owl. Hedwig is Tom Riddle’s (human) bissexual ex-boyfriend in this universe, but by the time you get to that you’re too far into Taraland to even question anymore.
Basically the attempted plot is that (despite Ebony being declared the only one able to kill him, because of course she is) Voldemort wants Ebony to kill Harry Potter (who in this universe changed his name to Vampire, because that’s so original) or he will kill her and Draco. To that effect he ambushes her in the Forbidden Forest and gives her a gun (and also a dude-ur-so-retarded look, I’m not making this shit up), because the (second) most powerful wizard in the world can’t come up with a better plan to eliminate his nemesis than give the dimwitted vampire chick a muggle weapon and threaten her into doing it for him.
My Immortal’s way to solve this (ridiculous and) impossible situation is to have Eboby go back in time to seduce Tom Riddle, because the only reason he became Voldemort is because he had his heart broken (by Hedwig). This would have angered me, because Tom Riddle’s story is my favorite thing about Harry Potter, but this fan fic is so hilariously terrible that I just can’t stay mad at it.
This story’s methods of time travel include a Pensieve, Morty McFly (yeeeah, again; not making this up) showing up and pulling a time machine out of his pocket (his pockets were big enough to fit a DeLorean and that’s a minor inconsistency in this story), getting shot, and an Ipod (which turns into a DeLorean… In Dumbledore’s hands… and he doesn’t actually notice).
So, from this point on things get more and more hilarious and confusing, both because none of it makes sense and all of it is practically unreadable, the big showdown in the end is basically everyone attempting to blackmail one another with sex tapes (really), until Voldemort beats the shit out of everyone and Ebony shouts (or shoots, in Taraspeak) “ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” (actual quote) and that’s the end of it.
Yes, I told the ending, but, like I said… You have to read it to experience it fully. There is so much more than just the attempted plot, but me describing it is pointless. Just to give a couple of examples though:
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.
And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
Yes, This happened:
And it was glorious.
When I first read this, we were about to finish Shadows of The Past, the second installment of our RP series, and on my very last post there was a scene of Jake having a bit of an emotional breakdown and Crys showing up to comfort him. Since I had shared the link to this fic with my co-GM and had had many laughs discussing it, in the part of that scene when Crys arrives, Jake is on his knees and he sees someone approaching. When he looks up, I wrote “It was……………. Crys!!!!111” Just to get a laugh out of it. Of course after it was read I went back and fixed it, but even now whenever I reread that I remember this. The mental image of Dumbledore shouting the words “YOU MOTHERFUCKERS” is just too hilarious.
And so is this:
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!
“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.
“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.
“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”
I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?
“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.
Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.
“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”
“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.
Ebony, if feel bad for torturing a guy who threatened you and your boyfriend… YOU ARE NOT A SADIST!!!!! AND YOU’RE A GODDAMN MORON!!!!
Ehem, sorry, still a bit leftover from my Lukey rant. >.>
Anyway, yeah… “I hath telekinesis.” Oh, boy… This is wrong in so many different ways, but I don’t care… It’s just hilarious… Just, picture Voldemort giving someone his ‘dude-ur-so-retarded’ look, just picture that… It’s fucking priceless. Hahahahaha. *snort* And yeah, no idea why he talks like that either. Just priceless.
RFC: Did I mention Hedwig is Tom Riddle’s bissexual ex-boyfriend in this Universe?
ORG: Weeeeell… Okay, I can give it originality points if anything.
Do I recommend this fic? I’d say read it at your own risk, knowing how terrible it is really is. If you’re the type of person, like me, who finds amusement in hilariously terrible things, then yes; this is just for you.
If you want to actually go ahead and read My Immortal, you can find it here. If you would like to experience the awesome without hurting your eyes with the terrible spelling and with added commentary, check this guy’s reading on YouTube.
My next review should be of Cupcakes, another classic, but for different reasons.
Until next time.