Some stuff and some things continue to pop up on my reader and, even if not immediately, eventually I end up reading them. For everything that’s been said and done I have learned that some people can’t be reasoned with, but it’s pretty damn hard to not get involved, I tell you. ^.-
That said, this post is actually not about that, or blogging or social media or any other piece of pointless drama, but about someone who was actually significant in my life at one point, someone who still somewhat rattles me, despite my best efforts. His latest rattlings left me awake most of the night feeling sick to my stomach. It was good, because I used that time to write and it was productive, but it was terrible because in no way was I supposed to lose any sleep over him anymore.
Yeah, basically this.
What I didn’t want to post about yesterday was the email he sent me to inform me he is leaving the country possibly forever. It’s a good thing, mind you, he’s going to Switzerland… or Sweden, maybe… Anyway, he’s got a great job and is moving to Europe somewhere. What I wasn’t too happy about was the tone of that email.
First of all he said he was emailing me a goodbye because I ‘refuse to take his calls’. My cellphone number changed twice since we last spoke and it is common knowledge that I keep it off while I’m at home (which is almost all the time as of late). I had no missed calls, so he did not have a current number…. Regardless, my home number remains the same as it always was, so he tried my no longer existing cell number a couple of times and was so sure I was ignoring his calls that he didn’t bother to try calling me at home.
He then proceeded to point out my obvious resentment towards how things ended between us and blame me for our distance and the failure in his attempts to rekindle at least the friendship we once had. That’s not how I remember it, but that’s beside the point. The point is that on my end there was no resentment whatsoever. None. I thought we distanced because we’d moved on from each other as it’s supposed to be. It never crossed my mind that he would still be so resentful of things that… Are so far gone I can’t even picture them clearly. We were different people, it was a different life. None of that fits with either one of us today. It was surprisingly hurtful to realize he had been clinging to those unpleasant feelings all this time and projecting them on me.
He accused me of being spiteful, of resenting him, of trying to cast blame on him for things that were out of his control, and ultimately of never truly caring, which I believe has to be the most cruel thing I’ve ever been accused of in my entire life; and I’ve been accused of some things.
I didn’t want to write about it yesterday because I thought I’d be over it today and wanted nothing to remind me of it all, but it’s not gone and I still feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I doubt this will make me feel any better and I’ll probably end up deleting this post in a few days, but I just needed to… Get some things out there. Out of my mind. Maybe now I won’t obsess so much over this.
I haven’t replied to the email. I’m not sure if I want to… Maybe I don’t want to…
Fuck this nonsense.