Gonna use blue for this one. I also thought it’d be more fun if I commented this while reading it for the first time. Being so I’ve not read chapter two yet so I can comment on it with fresh eyes. I’ve pre-read this chapter though and, oh boy, does My Immortal have some competition here!
Before we get started let me say two things here; First; I have nothing against Christians or Atheists, or even satanists should they come up in this thing at some point, I’m sensing that I might be calling a lot of things stupid along the road here. I just want to make sure you guys all know it’s not personal. It’s just that this thing is…. ugh… you’ll see. Second, this fic is without a doubt a trollfic, I know that the story the author is telling as to why and who this was written for is not true, I’m just gonna play along with it though for funsies.
Okay, then… Let’s get started!
Author’s Note: Hello, friends! My name is Grace Ann. I’m new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I’ve encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I’m happy for them to be reading; but I don’t want them turning into witches! [I’m a witch!? Hooray!] So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? [they never insulted my family, but whatever you say lady] And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado-
Once upon a time [cliche alert!], there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores; [hint hint, children] but he felt that there was something missing in his life. Something big and special; [must…not… make… gay… joke…] but he could not quite name it. He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed.
“Answer the door, Harry!” his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven. [Oh noes! A working mom and a stay at home dad!]
Shouldn’t you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away [Thinking that adults are lazy assholes is okay, children, so long as you still do what the lazy assholes say]. He turned the brass, metal doorknob; and pulled open the heavy, wooden door.
On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair.
He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking at Harry feel happy, peaceful somehow; but he couldn’t say why! [maybe Hagrid has that ‘something big and special’ Harry is looking for *winky face*]
“Good morning, kiddo,” the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust. [So do most sex offenders… Just saying; nice way to make your kids trust random nice-looking strangers, mom!] “My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?”
“I don’t have a mommy or daddy,” Harry replied sadly; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue. Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely [because his shoes are blue?], he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing-a mommy and daddy. [oh, so the blue shoes are completely irrelevant then? Nice of you to mention them anyway] But no, that was not quite right.
“I am so sorry to hear that!” Hagrid uttered empathetically. [Dialogue tags; you’re doing it wrong]
“You can speak with my auntie and uncle,” Harry retorted politely; and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes. [movieverse fic then? It didn’t like the blue eyes in the movies and I definitely don’t like it here]
“What do you want?” Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit. [oh no, a poorly dressed working mom! This is worse than we thought!]
“Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved,” Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat. [Oh so he’s not a lumberjack, he’s a cowboy… Wrong porn movie stereotype, my bad]
Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. “Saved? Don’t tell me you are you one of those Christians?”
Harry did not know what that word meant; but Hagrid’s smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Harry feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger’s face. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that…
“Yes, I am,” Hagrid replied kindly. “Are you?”
Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. “We are too smart for that. Haven’t you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?” [because ‘the Dawkins’ is the atheist version of the bible, right? That’s totally a thing]
“What is a Christian?” Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time. [oh noes, the horror of filthy carpets! If only stay at home dads were capable of using vacuum cleaners!]
“Christians are people who want to be good,” [*snort*] Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. “We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?”
Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious. [At this point you have to assume that either Harry is younger in this than in the original books or he’s a just a fucking idiot. My bet is on the latter]
“Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.” [*snort*]
Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays [I’m confused, do Christians not celebrate birthdays? Or has this lady told her kids that birthdays are against their religion and is backing that lie up here? Either way, wtf]. Haven’t you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.”
Hagrid laughed wisely. “Evolution is a fairytale. You don’t really believe that, do you?” [Well, at least he laughs wisely before spewing misguided shit]
“Yes, I do!” Aunt Petunia screeched.
“Well then prove it!” [*snort*]
Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn’t even prove her own religion [evolution is a religion now… Okay then…]. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was! [Yeah, definitely the latter]
“Tell me how to get to this heaven place!” Harry cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones; and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility.
“All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved?”
“I do, I do!” Harry squealed, jumping up and down. [seriously, is this kid a two year old!?]
“Then pray the sinner’s prayer!”
Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry’s pure, innocent, holy energy. [oh, for fucks sake] Soon, Harry had said the prayer. Hagrid beamed happily.
“You’re a Christian now, Harry!” Hagrid cried proudly.
Harry smiled but then interrogated, “But how do I be a Christian? I don’t know how!” [But… But… How do I English? I don’t know how to English…]
Hagrid grinned widely. “There is only one place to learn that-Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!” [hey, that’s the title of the story! GASP!]
Author’s Note: SO what do you all think? [I hate this] I may not be a professional writer [clearly]; but I think I am being given the talent to pull this off in service of a greater mission =) [it’s cute that you think that]
– Grace Ann
This is going to be infuriatingly terrible, I can tell. I’m still not sure if it can beat My Immortal. Then, at least My Immortal is funny. This is just awful and dumb. We’ll see how it goes… I know My Immortal gets even worse, but I’m going in blind on this one.
Til next time!