My Immortal Chapters 1-3 (With ‘commentary’)

[Chapters: 1-3, 4-6, 7-9, 10-12, 13-15, 16-18, 19-22, 23-25, 26-28, 29-31, 32-34, 35-37, 38-4142-44]

Welp, here we are. I considered removing the Author’s Notes, but naah… They’re a great part of what makes this so entertaining. For the purposes of this, I’ll be writing in this dark red color. All the ‘XXXXXX’ lines are from the fic itself, I did not add them.

Let’s get started.

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik [getting it is an impossibility, so don’t bother trying]) 2 my gf (ew not in that way [mhm, okay]) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life [this is the last we ever hear of him, unlike ‘not gf’ Raven; stay tuned] u rok 2! MCR ROX! [eh]


Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness [Apostrophes in names should be punishable by death] Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears [if you cry blue tears, please consult a doctor] and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here! [damn it, I totally know who that is! *sigh* Guess I don’t get to leave then]). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie [incest fantasy much?]. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset [and there she goes] with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun [redundancy alert], which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! [gasp!]

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly. [you shouted her name, you tool, and you have nothing to say AT ALL?]

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. [oh gee, the suspense is killing me, wonder what happens next… *snort*]


AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! [NO]

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!


The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin [she knew it was snowing and raining before she opened her ‘coffin’, vampire super hearing, maybe?] and drank some blood from a bottle I had [remember kids, always keep your bottled blood in the refrigerator!]. My coffin was black ebony [ugh] and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead [of what?], I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. [blah blah, clothes makeup]

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! [d’aaaw]) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes [she grinned at Eboby before even opening her eyes? That’s… disturbing]. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) [blah blah, more clothes]

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly. [it wasn’t that exciting really, Willow. I was there]

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted. [pfft, liar]

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. [So he was standing right there while she was shouting she doesn’t like him? The plot thickens…]

“Hi.” he said. [Haha, kidding there’s no plot]

“Hi.” I replied flirtily. [Note Eboby flirting with the guy she just claimed not to like]

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked. [this dialogue kills me]

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped. [gasp!]

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws [yeah, you think they’re laughing with you, but I have my doubts]! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.


On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then [going to see my favorite band with the guy I fancy would totally depress me too], so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly [you know, for people who are often suicidal they are quite easily excited] to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs [here’s a sentence never uttered by anyone who has ever done drugs]. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car [landed on our faces and died, because we totally forgot to land the fucking flying car].

We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

“You come in cold, you’re covered in blood
They’re all so happy you’ve arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. [weird ass thing to say to your crush, Enoby]

Suddenly Draco looked sad. [Pussy]

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. [lol]

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

Dun dun DUUUN!


Well that’s it for the first three chapters. If you have never read this fic before, and you thought this was horrible, let me give you a small spoiler and say that it hasn’t truly gone as horrible as it can be just yet. If you have then you’ll know that my favorite part comes right in the next chapter:


Also I started to read that other fic that is supposedly worse than this… And oh boy is it terrible. It may actually be worse than this, story-wise (keep in mind this has barely any story at all; it’s still better), however not nearly as grammatically atrocious. We shall see who takes the title in the end..


6 thoughts on “My Immortal Chapters 1-3 (With ‘commentary’)

  1. very interesting. nothing like my crazy life where i’m stalked, harassed, threatened, called names, put into illegal bondage, etc. all because i put cops and other crooked government in the hot seat. thank you for your blog. it made my day. i love the descriptions and how your site is set up. sorry mine is so boring. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: The Bar in Valcrest (Circumnavigation #4) | The Oddity Writer

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