Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles Chapter 2 (With Commentary)

[Chapter: 01]

Welcome to another one of these. Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys… I actually think this is worse than My Immortal. I mean, it’s not as horrible to look at, but… Holy crap.

Either way, let’s get started.


Author’s Note: Hello, friends! I have been getting so many lovely, thankful messages from mommies everywhere; and I just want to say-thank you all for your encouragement! However; I have also been getting several messages saying that my story is bad because Harry Potter is not just about witches; it is also about friendship and kindness and bravery. Friends: this is exactly what I have been saying! Harry Potter has many good things about it; but it still has witchcraft; so my children cannot read it. BUT that is why I am writing this! So they can have all the adventure and good morals [you fail at both those things so far, lady] of the Harry Potter books without all that bad stuff that is bogging it down. I mean,Matthew 3:12 [I had to Google this: His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor and gather his wheat into the barn, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire.” Hm, I see what you did there], am I right?! [Nooo] So, without further ado-on to chapter two =)

New Horizons

“Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles?” Harry queried; and clasped his hands. Just at hearing that name, he felt such a sense of inner peace. He wanted to have more of that peace; and he wanted to learn how to be a good Christian-he was starting to think that peace and being a good Christian were in fact the exact same thing! “I want to go there!”

Hagrid beamed widely. He had been praying so hard to save a soul today; and he was so happy to have saved the soul of such a sweet, earnest little one. The poor boy, being raised by two parents who were not Christian; and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long. It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist! [Okay, so, we removed the emotional and (sometimes) physical abuse from the original books and changed Little Harry’s ‘hostile home environment’ to working non-Christians who actually bother to hire a babysitter instead of locking him up in a cupboard? Boohoo]

“Don’t be silly, Harry,” Aunt Petunia commanded; and wrung her long, bony hands. “Come back inside; I will read to you about Evolution from the Dawkins. You do not need that silly religion.”

“The Dawkins”

Harry scrunched up his innocent little face; and thought very hard. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were as close to parents as he had; and this was the only home he knew. Could he really leave? But-he was saved now. He had prayed the Sinner’s Prayer. He could not stay here not anymore not with what he knew now. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do.

“No, Aunt Petunia,” he uttered calmly with childlike wisdom. “Evolution is not real. And I am going to Hogwarts.” [Moron]

“No, no, Harry,” Aunt Petunia screeched desperately. “I have an idea. You can have a second birthday today. You like birthdays, right?”

“Birthdays are not of God,” Harry verbalized knowingly; and looked at his aunt with an innocent wisdom. “You tried to corrupt me [with BIRTHDAYS!?]; but it did not work. But I forgive you, Aunt Petunia; because of Luke 23:34.” [So, the kid who just a moment ago didn’t know what a Christian was, can now quote the Bible]

Hagrid was amazed once again at the wisdom of little ones. He did not know if he could forgive someone who had hurt him as much as this woman had hurt little Harry [with BIRTHDAYS! Harry didn’t get any birthdays in the fucking books, how is THIS hurting exactly?]. Deny him the truth? Who could be so cruel? But Harry did not even think twice about it. He forgave-just like that! Truly, Hagrid gained a new understanding of Matthew 19:14 that day.[enough with the fucking Bible (sorry) verses, I hate when stories make me Google stuff every two fucking minutes]

“Do not leave, Harry!” Dudley wailed childishly. [Dudley exists in this Universe… and he seems to like Harry! WTF]

“I must,” Harry said; and stepped over the threshold. “Goodbye, Dursleys. I hope you are saved too one day.” [because you’re clearly old enough to decide to leave forever with a cowboy you met two minutes ago]

And with that, he and Hagrid began to walk down Private Drive. [is it Private or Privet? I don’t know. I read these books in Portuguese, and it was neither. ^^”]

“How will we get to this school, Hagrid?” Harry queried curiously.

“We will pray,” Hagrid retorted knowledgeably.

“How do we do that?” Harry solicited inquisitively.

“Watch,” Hagrid said; and then got down on his knees on the road. He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens; and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, “Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts!” [Seriously!]

Harry felt himself being whisked away; and in a moment, he was sitting in the cool, damp grass outside a humongous, beautiful castle. He looked in awe at the tall towers and the gray stones. What a beautiful place!

A tall, thin man with a long, pointed beard and big, wire spectacles stood in front of Harry. He was wearing a brown, tweed suit and a nice, matching hat. His shoes were made of leather and polished until they shone. He had a smile much like Hagrid’s smile. So peaceful, Harry just knew he could trust him! A lovely, kindly young woman with flowing blonde hair and a pleasant, heart-shaped face stood beside this holy man.

“Hello, there, little one,” the man greeted amicably. “I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore, and this is my wife, Minerva. Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!” [Dumbledore and McGonagall are MARRIED? NOOOO, MY CHILDHOOD!]

Author’s Note: Blessings! [FUCK YOU]


*curls up in a ball and cries, feeling mentally violated*


16 thoughts on “Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles Chapter 2 (With Commentary)

  1. Let me start off by saying that I consider myself a pretty religious person. That being said, the person who wrote this has nothing to be proud of. This bastardization of Harry Potter highlighted everything wrong with religious fundamentalism, all the anti-intellectualism, anti-science, and that ever so horrible holier than thou attitude that makes me want to vomit. And please for the love of God leave Richard Dawkins alone. He is a good man doing good work. I’ll leave this little scene from one of my favorite movies as a final ‘screw you’ to this abomination. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_DQUAuNUvw

    Liked by 1 person

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