My Immortal Chapters 10-12 (With Commentary)

[Chapters: 1-3, 4-6, 7-9, 10-12, 13-15, 16-18, 19-22, 23-25, 26-28, 29-31, 32-34, 35-37, 38-4142-44]

Hey guys, welcome back to our My Immortal repost with commentary. I think, if I recall correctly, this is where whit starts to REALLY get weird. Yeah, we hadn’t gotten the weird stuff yet, believe it or not.


Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags [homophobia FTW] if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!


I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666 [laaaaame] . I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar [of course you do]. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR [that doesn’t sound in any way pleasant the way I imagine it]. The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo [sure, why the fuck not] now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire [remember this for a few paragraphs later] too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak ) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt [I’m sure they’re flattered]. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not. [Oh, sweetie… *shakes head*]

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice [maybe she should sing then?].

“What the fuck do you think?” [wow, bitch] I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. [WTF was he doing there!?]

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?) [I think were way past ‘out of character’ zone and into ‘who the fuck talks to their flame this way’ land]

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. [I’ve never wanted the Dark Lord to win quite as much as I do now]

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. [Oh, no… It’s Christian-Dumbledore again!] (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.” [I’m sorry… I thought he couldn’t die? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND TARA]

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me! [I have no idea wtf she’s saying this time. Seriously; not a clue beyond the usual ‘stop flaming’]


“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off [stop being a bitch to people who did nothing wrong Eboby… that’s Bella Swan’s job!] and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. [right, but chasing after a teenager and shouting that her bf’s suicide is totally her fault doesn’t make him look bad at all]

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily [did she dive-bomb into the tub or something? How does that work?] while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide [that steak must have been horribly overcooked or something]. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating [yes, masticating. She really wrote that. Really.] to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” [first of all; you just got dressed. Second, you’re 17. So they may be pervs, but this doesn’t make them pedos] I screamed putting on a black towel [you just got dressed, you stupid bitch!] with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in. [how convenient… was he spying on her too? ^.-]

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb [I, uh… What?]. I took my gun [what!?] and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke [after shooting them a gazillion times, at least she managed to break the freaking camera!]. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has – NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Insert mandatory Vader reference

he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. [lol what is sense…]

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!” [As I recall it Hagrid was neither little nor a student, but go on… At least he’s not a porn cowboy. >.>]

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!” [I stand by my previous statement]

“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.” [you’re being awfully logical for an amateur porn director, Snap]

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!” 

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. [we’ve all been there]

“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. [not a mental image I needed, Eboby. And I think I speak for everyone]

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. [again, we’ve all been there]

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. [Wow, THIS might be the most nonsensical thing in this whole scene]

“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

“Because I LOVE HER!” [Oh for FUCKS SAKE, man!]

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo [again, Tara, she’s 17] 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric [does she mean Cedric? As in the only character that is nowhere in this abomination of a story?] ok! [sure, ok, whatever you say…]


I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy [sure] but I knew that we must both go together. [Yaay]

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. [WHAT IS HAPPENING I DON’T EVEN]

I stopped. “How did u know?” 

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” [why bother changing it if you’re gonna fucking hide it, Harry!?] he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!” [and he’s probably masticating too!! Oh noes! Seriously wtf is happening? =_=]

Anyway [lovely way to move the story forward, eh? “Oh, anyway…” *sigh* Why do I do this to myself?] I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated [well he is pretty damn old] the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed [okay, creepy] holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Enoby I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway [why is the inside of your freaking coffin ‘hot pink’ then, you LIAR], and I don’t like fucked up preps like you.” I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

“No Enoby.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they goffs too you poser prep?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong [YES! So is ‘speld’ and ‘rong’ for that matter]) to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl! [better love story than Twilight])imo noto okayo!”

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. [so you’ve said] Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. [was he standing there watching them all this time? Is anyone in this story not a fucking creep!? Oh wait, wtf am I saying, this is My Immortal] “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?” [cliche aleeeert]

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!” [what is happening? *rubs temples*]

Anyway [*groan*] when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

“You look kawai, girl.” B’loody Mary said sadly. “Fangs (geddit) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures [that’s a weird subject even for Hogwarts]. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. [way to worry about your missing boyfriend/friend, guys!]

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. [Again; picture Maggie Smith saying it. You’ll thank me]

“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily. [oh wow, bitch]

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. [WTF, again?]

“NO!” I ran up closer. [WHAT!?]

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!” [AGAIN!?]





Bloody Twins! We’re not even on the time traveling part of this thing and we’re already caught in some weird temporal anomaly crap.

Sooo, yeah… I’m sure you guys noticed what I meant in earlier about this being the point where the weird shit starts. The ‘masticating Loopin’ section is what I consider the point where this fic starts to chip away at my sanity a little bit.

Also, if you guys don’t know where the “Do not want” Vader memes originated… Well… Click here. You’re welcome. 🙂



7 thoughts on “My Immortal Chapters 10-12 (With Commentary)

Let's Chat!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s