Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles Chapter 06 (With Commentary)

[Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

Oh, joy… This again! I’ve actually been dreading this. Let’s just go ahead, I have a feeling I’m not going to like where this is going. *sigh*


Chapter 6: Sorting Hats!

Author’s Note: Hello, friends! I apologize to people who’s private messages I haven’t been able to reply to; but things are awful busy here in Fort Parsons; and a mommy’s work is never done! Many thanks to those lovely friends who have asked about the little ones. It looks like the second sickie did not have pneumonia after all; and it was just the flu. It was a rough few days; but now all the little Parsonses are in tip-top shape. Phew!

Harry Potter walked back to the table of redheads. It was only now that he noticed that they were all wearing black and green baseball caps with snakes on them [he was clearly too distracted by their gingerness]. Tentatively, Harry sat down next to Ronald; who was not wearing a hat; since he, like Harry, was new.

“So,” Harry began nervously; and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon. “What Sorting Hat do you think you will chose?”

“Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin,” Ronald declared confidently; and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands [this, wow, really?]. “My whole family is Slytherins.” He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table; and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. “You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!”

“Hm,” Harry uttered ponderously; and he took a bite of eggs. “Why don’t you tell me about what Slytherins believe?”

“Sure!” Ronald replied ecstatically; and he kept eating his oatmeal. “Well, first of all, we believe in the Bible.”

“That is wonderful!” Harry reacted happily; and he took a sip of his orange juice. “I do as well. Perhaps I could be a Slytherin after all?”

“But wait-that is not all!” Ronald continued excitedly; and washed his oatmeal down with milk. “Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even more. We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do.”

Harry furrowed his innocent, childish brow; and he took another bite of oatmeal; and he questioned confusedly, “Why do you need all that if you have the Bible?”

Ronald guffawed; and he shoveled more oatmeal into his mouth; and he replied, “Why only have the Bible when you can have more? Why, that would be like only praying to God!”

Harry gasped in horror as he bit into more bacon. “Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?”

“What about Mary?” Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. “You have to at least worship to her!”

“You mean the mommy of Our Lord?” Harry demanded in scandal; and he chewed his bacon. “I don’t worship her?”

“Well, then, God hates you!” Ron stated simply; and pieces of bacon flew out of his mouth as he did so.

Harry was tentative; since he was new to this whole Christianity thing; but he did not think God would hate him for not worshipping His mommy. [Why not? If I was a God I’d make damn sure everyone worshiped my mommy. She’s awesome after all >.>] On the contrary: he had a hunch that God wanted people to only worship Him.

“Don’t listen to him,” commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.

Harry turned around; and he saw a girl about his own age. Her pale yellow hair was tied into braids; and she wore a tie-dye shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair. “Peace” signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes. [oh boy, I know who that is]

“You should not become a Slytherin Hat,” the girl continued confidently; and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon; but it did not smell or taste like bacon. It missed that smokey, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have. Instead, it tasted like vegetables blended together and died red. [interesting how Harry can know what something tastes like just by looking at it] Yuck! Harry would take real bacon over that any day of the week. “They are far too strict.”

Harry hmmed skeptically. He was not sure about this whole Slytherin business; but the word “strict” was not what came to mind!

“You should become a Hufflepuff Hat,” the girl instructed arrogantly; and continued to nibble at her breakfast. “That’s what I’m going to do.” [you know, when I read the books I sure did think Hufflepuffs were all a bunch of hippies]

“What do Hufflepuff Hats believe in?” Harry pondered aloud; and he took a bite of his real bacon. Oh, how he wanted to find the true Hat!

“Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it,” Luna explained casually; and she was still feeding on that stuff. “We don’t believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism; but we really like Matthew 7:1; and that’s about it. We’re really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!” [fornication, drinking AND socialism? Sign me up!]

That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria. A smug-looking young man about Harry’s age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna’s [who didn’t introduce herself at all btw] and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.

“Please, ignore this fool,” Draco [okay, so fuck having characters properly introduced, let’s pull their names out of fucking nowhere] drawled smugly. “Luna [see now is where we learn her name officially, stupid lady] here thinks she can have a career even though she’s a woman; and women are stupid.”

Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!

“Women shouldn’t not have careers because women are stupid!” Harry shouted indignantly. “Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!” [fuck you, Harry]

Draco gasped tentatively. “You are diluting the truth! Women are beneath men!” [it’s sad that Draco is actually less of an asshole in this fic than in the books]

“No, I’m not!” Harry fired back bravely. “You are twisting the truth so you can be mean with it! Women are not beneath men! Men and women are just different!” [Fuck you]

Luna smiled at him gratefully.

Draco was clearly fumbling for ground here-there is not much ground to stand on when you are being hateful!-but he finally came up with, “Well, at least I don’t eat with Slytherin Hats! I hate Slytherins!” [hahahaha]

Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal.

“I don’t hate Slytherin Hats!” Harry declared boldly. “I think they should become Gryffindor Hats; but that is because I love them! [fuck you] Besides, the Lord ate with sinners all the time!” [but I doubt he was such a judgmental prick while doing it]

“Thank you, Harry,” Ronald whispered tearfully.

“Well-well-you should just become a Ravenclaw Hat, like me,” Draco sputtered blusteringly. “We really are the best Hat.”

“I think you mean, ‘We really are the most hateful hat,'” Harry corrected cleverly; and then he jumped up onto the table; and he got down on his knees; and he raised his hands to the ceiling of the Great Hall; and he bellowed, “Dear Lord, I have made my decision! I am a GRYFFINDOR HAT!”

Author’s Note: Blessings! [I cannot stress this enough: Fuck. You.]

Matthew 7:1 – Judge not, that ye not be judged. [hey, the only Bible passage no one in this fic seems to give a shit about]


I swear this is giving me a brain tumor.



8 thoughts on “Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles Chapter 06 (With Commentary)

  1. Eesh. Anti-Carholic much? I mean, if you’re turning Harry Potter into a commentary on religion, you really ought to know that Catholics don’t worship Mary.
    On the other hand… If Catholics are Slytherin, does that mean I’m allowed to practice my evil laugh? *is excited*
    Still not sure what Ravenclaw is supposed to represent…

    Liked by 1 person

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