Hey guys! I know it’s been a while and I’ll come back soon and explain why, but for now, let us read some more badfic, because I totally missed Eboby and the gang (haha, not really). And yes, we’re doing an extra chapter this time around because a) chapter 22 is considerably short and b) I want to reach the halfway mark already on this thing. So by the end of this post it’ll 22 down and 22 more to go. Don’t fret, guys… We’ll survive this, I promise.
Also, despite the fact I have nothing to do with the creation of this here literary atrocity, I profoundly apologize for exposing you to the following chapters if Dobby is your favorite character. I am just so very sorry. >.>
Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise
AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11 [Reading these author’s notes is like experiencing what it feels like to have a stroke]
All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert [HOW MANY TIMES ARE WE DOING THIS!?]. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.
Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive.
I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot [bipolar whiny twats are not]).
“No one fucking understands me!1” he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes [that sounds horribly painful] like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik [or, you know, Google it])
“Accuse me? What about me!” I growled. [in a situation like this a normal person would either a) attempt to comfort their significant other through their annoying meaningless whining or b) find someone who isn’t a little whiny bitch. Enoby chooses z) acting like a crazy bitch until they apologize for not understanding the Universe revolves around you and only you. How dare anyone feel misunderstood when they are given the tremendous privilege of knowing YOU!? The fucking bastards!]
“Buy-but-but-” he grunted.
“You fucking bastard!” I moaned. [exactly!]
“No! Wait! It’s not what it fucking looks like!” he shouted. [what are you even apologizing for!?]
But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces [TMI! TMI!!!] like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot.
[okay, I just want to take a little moment here to express my absolute awe at how hard this and other similarly bad fic fail at SIMPLE HUMAN EMOTION. I mean really, how hard can it be to have your character act like a sane human be-… *sigh* this is My Immortal. Wtf am I saying? UGH. Never mind]
Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated.
“You gave me a fucking shock!” I shouted angrily dropping my pot. “Wtf do you fink you’re doing in da gurl’s room?”
Only it wasn’t just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid [you think of the random salesman you just met before your boyfriend… Wow, you horrible bitch] or maybe Draco [maybe Draco? wow; romance] but it was Dumblydore.
“Hey I need to ask you a question.” he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse [still better than Voldemort in heels]. “What are u wearing to the concert?”
“U no who MCR r!” I gasped. [so does my mom. What is your point exactly?]
“No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2.” He said. “Anyway Draco has a surprise for u.” [knowing this fic, it’s probably his boner]
AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz. [does she live right around the corner from Transylvania to be going there for just 3 days? I spend more time visiting my grandpa upstate… Hmmm… Okay, well… The My Immortal Wiki (yeah, it exists; sad reality) says she’s probably from Connecticut (yeeaah Wifey, she might be out there right now o.O) so going to Transilvania just for ‘da nex 3 days’ sounds unwise…. Taking out the flight time you’d be there for little over a day. So excuse me while I call bullshit on this]
All day I wondered what the surprise was [I still vote boner]. Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. [I’m not gonna even argue the logistics of doing these things at once] Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again. [yup, she votes boner too]
“Wut de fucking hell r u doing!” I shouted angrily [the most repeated question in this fic… And humanity’s greatest mystery]. It was Loopin! “R u gonna cum rape me or what.” [is that an invitation? Because it sounds like it. ^.-] I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo.[again; not what a pedo is]
“No, actshelly (geddit, hell [this is the biggest failure of a pun yet]) kan I plz burrow sum condemns.” he growld angrily. [for clarification, this is a grown man asking to borrow condoms from a 17yr old… Who btw has not actually used one as far as we know, despite being willing to fuck anyone capable of memorizing song lyrics]
“Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?” I shouted sarkastikally.
“Fuker.” He said, gong away.
Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 [Why… Just WHYYY… WWWHHHYYYY]
“Oh my god you ludacris idiot!” they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. [we don’t blame him] Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now)
“WTF is that why u wanted condoms?” I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat) [yet you write ‘speld’ and ‘dat’… kudos, Tara]
“Only you wouldn’t give them to me!” Lumpkin shouted angrily.
“Well you shoulda told me.” I replayed. [she would have given him condoms if he told her he was going to do it with Snap? I, uh… WHAT?]
“You dimwit!.” Snake began 2 shoot angrily [that’s a horrible choice of words for this situation… And yet, that’s not the worse instance of Snape… uh… shooting… in this fic. Ehem >.>]. And then………I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.
“Well xcuse me!” [this is too awful to be worthy of a Zelda joke] they both shouted angrily. “What was dat al about?”
“It wuz to blackmail u.” I snarked. “So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend [stop fucking in the halls maybe?] you cant fuking rat me out or I’ll show dis to Dumbledork [*snort* okay, this one was kinda funny]. So fuck off, u bastards!” I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it [let’s assume she meant ‘wand’… She threw it at them? Why not cast a spell with it, you moron?]. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.
“WTF where’d Draco?” I asked him.
“Oh he’s bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn’t cum [you’re doing it on purpose now, aren’t you Tara?].” Vampire said shaking his hed. “U wanna cum with me? [it’s gotta be on purpose. I mean, come on!] 2 the concert?”
Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather [ROFL dogfather! Oh, God I do need psychiatric help] Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said ‘ENOBY’ on it.
We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing.
Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.
I almost had an orgasim. Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing ‘Helena’ and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ……….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. [they’re in a concert… How loud is Draco’s fucking crying!? Ugh]
AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed!
Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. “Draco are u okay?” I asked in a gothic voice.
“No I’m not u fuking bitch!” he shouted angrily. [oooh, is Enoby finally going to suffer some sort of consequence?] He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.
“Its ok Enoby.” said Vampire comfortly. “Ill make him feel better.”
“U mean you’ll go fuck him wont you!” I shouted angrily. [haha, just kidding, she’s just gonna snap at someone else] Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.
“Draco please come!” he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of! [eye hate homophones two. There just horrible])
And then………………………….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke.
We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.
“WHOSE THERE!” he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.
“IS ANY1 THERE!” yelled Mr. Norris.
“No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!” Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way. [under his br-… *sigh*]
“EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!” yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. “Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!” [I’d ask how he can see the cloak, but… It’s actually an invincibility cloak, sooo… Why wouldn’t he see it? Fine, Tara, I give you that one; carry on…] he asked. Filth nodded. And then……………………….Vampir frenched me! He did it jus as…………………….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1 [that’s some fucking horrible timing there, Vampir]
“WHAT DA-” he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school.
“Draco!” I cried. “R u okay?”
“I guess though.” Draco weeped. [seriously, just like that?] We went back to our coffins frenching each other. Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin) on the gothic red bed together. As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1
AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven’s folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1
All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic [how deep]. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas [that can’t be comfortable]. Then I gasped.
Standing in front of me where………………. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!
I opened my crimson eyes [how the fuck do these people see each other before opening their eyes!?]. Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B’loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said ‘bich’ and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle’s dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. [I honestly skimmed over the clothing descriptions and half-assed goff background sob stories here because we’re 22 chapters in and no one’s ability to give a fuck would survive this long]
“OMFG” I yielded as I jumped up. “Why the fuck are u all here?”
“Enoby something is really fucked up.” Draco said.
“OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first.” I shouted angrily.
“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful.” Draco said in a sexy voice.
“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective.” [surprise!]
“I will I will.” he said.
So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came [she’s really into make up apparently]. We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney [you”re a real trooper, Britney] from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged [lol] was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.
“THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!”
“THE BARK LORD [woof woof] IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Cornelia Fudge.
“YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!” yelled Rumbridge. “YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS [this bitch misspells ‘window’ but not Alzheimer… Her brain needs to be preserved for study, because wtf] IS DANGEROUS! [you know, I’m inclined to believe this is true] YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!”
“Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “Butt [lol, you said butt] we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is………………………………………………………………….. Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.” [huuuh, so is that why Dumblydork has been trying so hard to fit in with the goffs? He was sucking up to Eboby! Maybe he’s not as senile as we thought!]
Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B’loody Mary looked at each other………I gasped. [gasp!]
Halfway mark! Yes! Only 22 more chapters to go and my sanity is almost as intact as when I started this (which is not that much to be honest). Don’t let this chapter get you hopeful, nothing even remotely similar to a plot is about to happen really.