Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles Chapter 08 (With Commentary)

[Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7]

This is painful. This is so goddamn painful. I’d forgotten how painful this was. I would ask you guys to appreciate the sacrifices I make for you, but I know you don’t want to go through this either. Well, boo hoo, if I have to finish this thing I’m taking you all down with me! =_= (but please don’t unfollow, it’ll all be over soon I promise ^^”)

Ugh. Fucking hell. I’m going to die. This fic is gonna be what kills me. I swear to all the Gods…


I should warn you guys that I watched The Prisoner of Azkaban this afternoon and that movie PISSES ME OFF. All the Harry Potter movies piss me the fuck off! So yeeeeaaah… Not in the best mindset to begin with. Expect more cursing than usual (yes, it’s possible).

Let’s do this.


Chapter 8: Refreshing Honesty?

Author’s Note: Hello, friends! [We are not friends, lady] Things have finally calmed down a bit here at Fort Parsons; and I am so excited to share with you all another new chapter. One thing I would like to talk about, though; many people have been calling me a “misogynist”. That means “woman-hater”. Friends: I do not hate women! I am a woman! Now, what is it I have done to have people calling me this? Well, apparently, it is saying that women are loving and nurturing and good [and useless, let’s not forget useless]. Right-how hateful! I’m just a big old mean bigot, huh? Wait-wrong! That is not a bigoted thing to say at all! [do you even own a dictionary? look up that freaking word please… I’ll wait =_=]

Now; it is certainly true that what is written in the Bible about women was used as an excuse to actually be hateful to women. And that is terrible. And there are some people out there who think all women are stupid or “less than men”. Friends: this is not what I believe at all! I believe that women have special gifts that are no less than men. In fact, I think that; if womanly virtues were respected more; the world would be a much better place to live! And any of those so-called Christians who hate women and think women are stupid and worth less than men and that God doesn’t respect us; well, they will all get a very serious talking-to from a certain housewife 😉

Now; does that sound misogynistic to you? [Fucking die. Just… Die]

Harry Potter walked nervously over to the table of Mr. Snape. The other little ones wearing red and yellow hats did the same. Mr. Snape silently stood up; and he motioned with his head for the boys and girls to follow him; and he sauntered out of the Great Hall. [Snape is sauntering… I don’t know if that makes me want to laugh or cry]

He led them into a small classroom with a few desks in it. He silently motioned for the little ones to sit down at the desks. They did. He stood up at the blackboard in front of them.

“Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles,” greeted the older but still handsome in a dignified, rugged way amicably. [okay, wtf is this description, I don’t even]

The little ones all sat in respectful attention.

“So you have all chosen the Gryffindor Hat?” Mr. Snape queried; and he raised his eyebrow. [So you’ve decided to start of with a stupid question?]

“Yes, Mr. Snape,” chorused all the students together.

“Well,” Mr. Snape said; and he drew his tall, strapping form up to its full, impressive height, [wtf! Strapping form!? Decide if you’re writing a children’s story or erotica, lady!] “I would like to say that your choosing will make you happy; or that your lives will be easy; but I will not lie. There are dark forces in the world; and they do not like Christians. And when I say Christians; I mean Gryffindor Hats. They love the Hufflepuff Hats; because the Hufflepuff Hats believe everything these people say and slap the label “Christian” onto that philosophy; and so the Hufflepuff Hats make it easier. The Ravenclaw Hats, these people claim not to like; but then they pretend that the Ravenclaw Hats’ extremism applies to all Christians; so the Ravenclaw Hats help them.” [Ravenclaw was my favorite house, I might add. McGonagall, Ron and Snape were my favorite characters. It’s like this fic is purposely pissing on all the things I love]

Harry frowned confusedly. After the Reverend’s acceptance of all the Hats; he wondered why Mr. Snape was addressing things so directly. He found Mr. Snape’s honesty refreshing; but he also wondered-was the honesty also combined with the hate for others that he had seen in Draco’s Hat? He thought the other Hats were wrong; but he did not want Mr. Snape to hate them for being wrong! He wanted to help them! [Seriously, Harry? Is everyone, EVERYONE, wrong except for you? After being Christian for a full day you already know better than everyone? Fuck you, you self-righteous little shit]

“And then, of course, is the Slytherin Hats. The Slytherin Hats will tell you we are all on the same side because they agree with Gryffindor Hats on some things. But do not be fooled! Their leader is working with…..Voldemort!” [Don’t you dare start with the… FUCKING… ELLIPSIS! >.<]

A shocked, horrified gasp echoed throughout the classroom. Harry slapped his hands over his mouth in an attempt to contain his horror; but he was still shocked. His new friend not only worshipped a goddess; but he was also now in cahoots with Voldemort?! [no he’s not, you moron, he just got to the school now; same as you!] The little ones all gasped again; this time, they were even more horrified. From the back of the room, a clean-cut, respectably dressed young boy raised his hand.

“But what about the Constitution?” Dean Thomas questioned articulately. “Doesn’t he care about the First Amendment?” 

Mr. Snape shook his head sadly. “I’m afraid not. And Voldemort is working through him and using them all. Before long: all our freedoms will be gone.” 

Dean Thomas raised his hand again; and queried coherently, “But why does Voldemort hate Christians so much?” [because you’re annoying little self-righteous pricks]

“No one knows,” Mr. Snape responded tentatively. “However-he is on the move; and he is gaining power; and we Gryffindor Hats may be the only ones capable of stopping him.”

Harry was nervous; but he clenched his fist determinedly. He was scared, but he was ready to face this evil! [And I was disappointed he didn’t die in the books… That was nothing compared to this. Holy crap]

Author’s Note: Blessings! [Fuck you!]


I… I… I need to lie down. I don’t feel so good… I… *groan*

This fic is gonna kill me… Kill me… haha… hahaha… *snort* I’m not gonna make it…

“You want me to stab them all for you? I don’t usually agree with killing kids, but in this case I agree the little brat is asking for it” >.>

Aw, Lukey… That’s so sweet of you, but… I think I just need to go lie down a bit. I’ll be be okay.

“Don’t flatter yourself too much. I mean… No one else would be crazy enough to write us if you die… It’s a matter of self-preservation, really.”

Pffft… I wuvvles you too, Lukey. *snuggles*


Alright, alright… I know you only play the snuggle bunny for your Lady. Don’t need to tell me twice. At least freaking you out is enough to make me laugh. Teehee.

*mutters* “Serves me right for trying to be nice…”



5 thoughts on “Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles Chapter 08 (With Commentary)

  1. Pingback: Hogwarts School of Prayer And Miracles Chapter 09 (With Commentary) | Blackbird's Nest

  2. Pingback: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles Chapter 10 (With Commentary) | Blackbird's Nest

  3. Pingback: Hogwarts School of Prayer And Miracles Chapter 11 (With Commentary) | Blackbird's Nest

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