Hello, guys! Welcome back to the My Immortal Commentary. See, I told you we’d go back to it eventually! It’s been a good break, but I think now is the time to delve back into this pit of madness.
Now, there are two versions of chapter 39. One of them allegedly written by a troll who took over Tara’s account on Fanfiction.net. However, it is speculated that the whole thing was made up by Tara herself. So… Who knows? Who cares? I don’t. The actual Chapter 39 was reposted as chapter 40 and chapter 40 as 41 and so on so forth. So for this I’m posting from 38 to 41, chapter 39 being the ‘bonus’ troll chapter. And that means that there is only one more post to make after this one. How cool is that!?
That also means my next two Christian Potter posts will be ‘double features’ with two chapters each in order to catch up; not so cool.
But let’s just get to it.
AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111 [Oh, Tara, I almost missed this. Almost. Only not. >.>]
Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco’s car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), kuttting, musik and being goffik.
“Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11” [and very much underage if this is supposed to be the 80’s… *gasp* you pedos!] Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy)
“Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena.” I said in a flirty voice. “……….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?”
“Well………………” he thought. “I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod.” [I thought they needed ‘portents’ to fix it? Stick to your ridiculous plot points Tara! =_=]
Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol [I was going to make fun of her misspelling ‘exorcist’, but now I see this is, in fact, a completely different movie than The Exorcist, so… Carry on]. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we’re sadists.
While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan’s gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar [the overall product placement in this fic is just bizarre, but this one is a winner! I mean, I’m pretty sure Disney would take issue with one of their movies’ inspired merchandise being cigars] sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.
“OMG!111” Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. “Enoby gess what?”
I new that the amnesia had worked. [how? He clearly remembers who you are, you dumbass]
“Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work.” [No! That’s not how any of this works! Just… No, Tara! If it’s not invented yet, then how would he know what it is!? And why wouldn’t it work!?] He said. “2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u.” [amnesia is not an aphrodisiac, you fucking idiot! GAAAWD!]
“Kul.” I raised my eye suggestingly. And den………. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit [that’s nasty!]. He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.
“Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111” shooted da lady behind us she was a prep.
“Fuk u!11” I said. Suddenly…………………. I attaked her suking all her blood.
“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether [and we’ve immediately forgotten Draco now, I guess]. Satan and I started to walk outside.
“Zomg how did u do that?” Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice. [I thought vampires were common in this universe, heck you just mentioned them, can you seriously not put two and two together? No wonder you fail as a ‘bark lord’, Satan. =_=]
“I’m a vampire.” I said as we went into the car.
“Siriusly?” he gasped.
“Yah siriusly.” I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily.
“Itz too bad we didn’t get 2 c da rest of the movie, don’t u fink?”
“Yah.” I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol.
“Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111” screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.
“I wood like to peasant……………..XBlakXTearX!11” [so, wait, is Marilyn Manson opening for their piece-of-shit band in this scenario? I suppose he wasn’t really that huge in the early 80’s, but in this fail of a story he’s supposed to be, so… I call bullshit. ^.-] he said. I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag. [this spelling is seriously starting to give me headaches. Ugh]
“Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111” I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation. “I’M NUT OKAY!1” I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak. [Such pros]
“OMFG!1” yielded James. “Wut the fuck?”
“Woops im sory!” said Lucian.
“You fuking ashhole!1” James shouted angrily.
“U guys are such prepz!11” Snap said. “Cum on it wuz a mistake!1”
“Yah itz not his fault!11” said Serious.
“No he ruined the fucking song!1” yelled Samaro.
“U guys stop!11” I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife. [That’s a bit of an overreaction, huh?]
“OMFG no!11” shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm. [How? He has a KNIFE! How can you already have forgotten that? IT HAPPENED TWO FUCKING SENTENCES AGO!!!]
And den……………………………I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11 [rofl… Ah, I hadn’t laughed this hard at this fic since “I hath telekinesis”]
“No!111” yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak. [The end! :D]
[Ugh, who am I fucking kidding… It’s not over!]
Chapter 39. I Am A Trolling Genious, lolz [Eh, I’ve honestly seen much better]
Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series and I am not the real XXXbloodyrists666XXX.
AN// I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know [I’m glad, that makes my job just a bit easier]. Out of boredom, I crack this girl’s passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. Which I probably deserve ’cause I’m being a troll right now. Meh.
And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven’t even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38.) [clearly not everyone can be as devoted to mocking this fic as I am] Flame, laugh, do whatever you want “preps.”
I, the American retail wearing british vampire Sue, coughed up blood. [There’s little to say about this chapter really, so, for the most part, I’ll just enjoy it. At least I get to rest my eyes for a bit]
Satan kneeled down beside me.
“Noooooooooooooooo! Don’t die!”
I gave him a rueful smile. “I’m sorry. It’s something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue.”
Satan sobbed. “I love you Ebony.”
“I love you two. I’ll…I’ll see you in hell.” I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black.
B’loody Mary Smith suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason. She frowned when she realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Ebony’s lifeless body, she screamed. Her face became pale with horror. She screamed for the healers, Dumbledore, Mcgoogle, and every single gothic person she could think of.
Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Ebony. Everyone stared in shock. Her body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone’s shock, it started to incinerate.
When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes.
A loud resounding of everyone bellowing “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…!!” filled the room.
A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed.
All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone’s bodies (AN//I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened.) and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies.
When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the gofick power, everybody cheered. Everyone started singing ‘Ding dong the sue is dead…’ Well, that is, until all the HP characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again.
All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless. Harry and Voldemort started dueling. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax.
And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married. [NO! Fuck you, troll!]
Down in hell, Ebony shed a single tear because of her current situation. A situation that would live on for all eternity. Or at least until the end of fanfiction time.
She lost it all, but she knew she had to remain strong. Nothing would ever break her down.
She looked down over her pale body, and frowned. ‘Where are my emo clothes?’ She asked herself in confusion.
And then it occured to her…
For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can’t remember) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the “destroyed” look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag.
Ebony supressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister.
Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it’s from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it.
“THIS IS UNLOGICAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!!” Ebony bellowed out to the air. She failed to see the irony in her statement, how hypocrytical her words were, seeing as she was practically calling the kettle black here.
Ebony slit her writs and mumbled to herself, “Omigod.”
/End Crap Fic. [Don’t quit your day job, kid. >.>]
A.K.A. Just a troll with rocks for brains.
Chapter 40. LOL! Someone has taken my account over!
THE IDIOT’S NOTE: Well… this was in the doc area… might as well let the whole world see what the real Tara wanted to show us… Have a nice day!
AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111
I woke up in da Norse’s offace on a special gothik coffin. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. [wasn’t he like a member of your band at one point? I mean Jeeeesus…] Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.
“Oh mi satan wut happened!” I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual. [and for some reasons he has no memories of nearly fucking you years ago. Are you sure that amnesia ‘portent’ didn’t work, Satan? ^.-]
“Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11” I yielded.
“Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11” he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective. [Fuuuuck… *bangs head against wall*]
“Volxemort? OMFG what’s wrong!111” I asked.
Sudenly………. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B’lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.
“OMFG Enoby ur alive!111” Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B’lody Mary.
“What the fuk happened?” I asked dem. “Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?” I gosped. [you’re a vampire… Bullets shouldn’t be enough to kill you, dumbass]
“Enoby u were almost shot!11” said Serious. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time.” [Wait, what? NO! For fuck’s sake, Tara! Just, NO! She’s a vampire! That’s the easiest fucking way to explain this! A five-year-old could have thought of that! And you go with ‘from anodder time’!? NO!]
“But fangz anyway!1” said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms! [Whatever, not even going to bother picking on this one again]
“OMG I cant beleve Vampirz’ dad shot u!1” I gasped.
“Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den.” said James. [Snap… Possessed himself? I… Wuuuut?]
“Yah he wuz a spy.” Serious said sadly. “He wuz really a Death Dealer.” [How was he a Death Dealer if Satan wasn’t the Bark Lord yet! What was the point of Death Dealers? You’re fucking your own ridiculous plot in the ass here, Tara!]
“And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11” said Lucian. “He didn’t even realy no hu GC were until I told him.” Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz.
“Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?” I asked gothikally.
“No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax.” [Porn parody, huh? Wouldn’t be surprise if Paris Hilton was in that one too >.>] said Profesor Trevolry. “He duzzn’t know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1”
I got up suicidally. [LOL] Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don’t get da idea massage me ill tell u). I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital’s wings wif B’lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.
“OMFG letz celebrate!11” gasped Willow.
“We can go c Hose of Wax [Gay porn parody? ^.-] wif Draco!1” giggled Vampire.
“Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11” said Hermoine. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den………..I gasped……………………………………… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz. [Iiiiiw…. Seriously, who cares what he’s wearing? Just… IIW…]
“U fucking prep!11” we all yielded angrily. [I think my sanity just yielded a bit too]
“Yah u betrayed us!111” shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.
“No u don’t understand!1” screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake’s. [Wait, who’s thingie was in… Wait, I don’t want to know thaaat! *gag*]
“No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111” said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out. [Eboby must have some sort of eating disorder, she keeps pulling steaks out of nowhere when she’s distressed. >.>]
“Enoby no!11111” screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again. [Oh noes, please don’t die Eboby, you’re our hero. =_=]
Idiot’s Note: Ugh… I know… terrible… but then again, this wouldn’t be called the ‘worst fanfic ever if not for the fact that the writing standards meets the level of a day old fetus… [To be quite honest, I thought it was more entertaining than yours… Even if a bit… Brain damaging in its stupidity. :P]
AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF!!!!! I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur proly al prepz and pozers!!!!!!!!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!!!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako. if u flame ill slit muh risztz!!!!!!!!11 raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland. [If her ANs get any more unintelligible we might have to add The Matrix to the list of Universes My Immortal has ruined]
When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!!!!!11 [No…] I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse’s office but it looked difrent!! [Noo…] On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!!!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic?! at da dizcko or mcr) der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. On it said ‘1980.’ [Okay, THAT, is fucking blasphemy, Tara! John Lennon died in 1980, the Beatles split up in the 70’s you ignorant, STUPID, little b-… Ungh… *breathes* I’m okay]
“OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111” I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!!!!11 [that’s the most unsexy mental image I’ve gotten from this piece of writing since Snape’s ‘dork mark’. *shudders*]
“OMFG Enoby r u ok.” He asked gothikally.
“Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation.” I snapped sexily. “OMG am I dedd???” koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame’s gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!!!!111
I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine. [Why can’t you just shoot yourself again then if that suddenly works?]
“No ur not dead.” Satan reassured suicidally as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face. “Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. [A bit late to try and logic, Tara] Cum on now lets go c how Hairy’s dad is doing.” [How does he know what his friend’s unborn child is called?]
I noo dat da real reason I didn’t die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. [And there it is… I knew that logic would wear off quick] “WTF!!!! James almust shot Luciious!!!” I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn’t want him2 know I knew.
“Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress.” Satan reasoned evilly. [headaches excuse everything up to and including murder in Taraverse]
“I guess that’s ok.” I said because James hadn’t really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!!!!!11 He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don’t 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. “Hey.” He sed all qwietly and goffically.
“Who da fuck is that?” I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him. [I feel there’s some sort of social commentary hiding here somewhere… Something about hating something, or someone, just because we don’t know them… hmmm…]
“Dis is…Hedwig!!!!!!!!!11” [Oh, FML!] Sed Volximort. “He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.
“Hey Hedwig.” I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b. [I am strngly against slut shaming, so I’m going to not make the comment I wanted to make here… But I’m thinking it. >.>]
“Lol hi Enoby.” He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. [well, he was supposed to be a magical creature, sorta… Although owls are not supposed to have hair, so… I guess it makes sense he was freaked out by that] He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!!)
“Bye.” I sed all sexily.
“Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up.” Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails. [aaaw… we don’t really give a fuck… But do go on]
“OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!” I said fingering something I didn’t know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem??? dey kik azz!!!!). [I-pod? That’s sort of like a Zune, right? Hmm… Wonder if they’re any good]
“Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. Im going 2 show u something grate!!!!1” I led them to da Great Hall. “Cum on u guys.”
Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him. [I would have been a bit miffed too]
“Go fuk urself you fukking douche!” he shouted at him. “Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!!1” [Yeah, I probably wouldn’t go as far as to involve my future children in the argument, though. ^.-]
“Yah go fuck urself Samaro!” Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.
“B quiet u guys.” I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great. [what plan? And how was it working? You didn’t do anything Evony!] Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! Now Vampire’s dad wood never die [that’s a bit of a bold statement] and “OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out.” I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod. [oh, so you’re just going to tell them to get back together. Gee, how come no one ever tries that?]
“Kool.” said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi.
“Oh my fukking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!” screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort’s. [his… Glock…? I know gun fetishes exist, but this is a bit much…]
But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame………………Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!!!!111111111111 [Of course! It’s not real My Immortal sex unless someone walks in on it. *sigh* We’re almost over at least]
Yeeeeah… Hedwig. Even Hedwig got roped into this mess now. Of all characters, you pick the freaking owl, Tara! I’ll never understand how that happened. *shakes head*