Let me start by saying that I recently got Grammarly for Chrome and I had to disable it because the moment I copied this into the posting area that grammar check went apeshit.
I’m not kidding. It found over 300 grammar problems and the suggestion boxes were getting so disruptive I had to shut it down. This is one of those things that just makes me love this fic for how absolutely shit it is. I almost missed this. Almost. I barely started the commentary and my brain already hurts. Ugh, let’s get to it then. Final chapters!
Fair warning guys, the last chapter is where I tend to lose my shit at how ridiculous this is, and… While I’m not commentating on this blindly like the Christian Potter, expect my commentary to somewhat reflect that. I’m just saying; it can and will get worse.
Chapter 42. da blak parade
AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!!!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!!!!!1111 [I’m not gonna get into how stupid this is. Do not engage, Bird… Do not engage…] nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111 [O_O holy shit, that’s actually… Kinda right…] omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it?? If dey don’t den JKR is hamophobic!!!!!111111 [fuck you, Tara!] fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa [omg, you had help with facts!? OMG! How worse could this have been without… Medusa, whoever the fuck she is!? OMG!] u rok!!!111
[Oh yeah, Dumbledork caught them having an orgy or something… again. You know, I’d have a constant headache too if I kept walking in on people fucking every time I turned a corner]
I sat depressedly in Dumbledork’s office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future. He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song. [It’s your Ipod, Eboby, why do you have shitty ‘Avril Levine’ songs in it in the first place? ^.-]
“What da hell is this anyway??” he cackled meanly [It’s a music player. You’re literally using it to play music now, Dumbledork. How did you even become a teacher if you fail this much at logic?]. I hoped he didn’t find out dat I was frum another time.
“Whatever u do don’t blame Ibony, u jerk.” Satan said.
“Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together.” Serious said deviantly. [With a sex tape. In public. You fucking dimwits]
“Be quiet you Satanists.” Dumbledore cockled. “If ur lucky I’ll probably send u all to Akazaban!!! That will teach u to copolate [Oooh, Tara, so close. That was almost a fancy word] in da Great Hall.” He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n’Sync song. [*snort* why do you have N’Sync in your Ipod, Ibony?] Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn’t notece. [Ugh, I just remembered where this is going…]
“You fucking poser.” I muttoned.
“I bet you’ve never herd of GC.” James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly’s tim machine!!!!!11 [Yes. The Ipod is turning into a ‘Morti McFly’s tim machine’. And as I’m sure Tara’s faithful fact checker must have told her… That means a fucking car. And Dumblydor does not notice this apparently]
“Shut up Jomes!!!” Drako’s dad shouted.
“Yeah shut up!!!!” Snake said preppily.
“No u shut up Dumblydore!!!!!!!!1111” said Tom. [Okay, all of you, shut up! >.<]
“I’ve had enough of u Satanists in my school!!!!” shouted Dumbledore spuriously. [pfft… future senile Dubledork is a lot more fun. >.>]
Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. “Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8!!! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was……..Satan. [you jumped into what? A DeLorean? An Ipod? WHAT?]
“You dunderheads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111” screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went.
I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black.
“Hey kool where iz dis?” he asked in an emo voice.
“Dis is da future. Dumbeldore’s iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine.” I told him.
“Kool what’s an ipatch?” he whimpered. [I’m pretty sure there are eye patches in the 80’s Satan. ^.-]
“It’s somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music.” I yakked.
“OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?” he esked in his sexah voice. [Oh, God, the logic… It burns… IT BURNS!]
“Um I guezz sand????” I laid confuesdly.
“Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon.” He triumphently giggled. [HOW? Are you really so stupid that you assume no one else would know a 4 letter synonym for dirt? What? Wh-…. MY BRAIN IS BLEEDING FROM YOU DUMBASSERY!!!]
Suddenly some of my friends walked in.
“OMG you’re fucking alive!” [Can you just feel the concern here? -.-] said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive.
“Konichiwa, bitch.” said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick.
“Hey, motherfucker.” Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants.
“Hey whose that, Ibony?” B’loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.
“Oh its Satan.” I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.
Suddenly Satan started to cry. [Him from the Powerpuff Girls was a manlier incarnation of the Devil than this guy]
“Are you okay Satan?” we asked concernedly.
“OMFG ur from da future!!1! What if u don’t like m anymore koz were from difrent times?????” he asked. [*facepalms* She’s known all along that you’re from different times, you fucking idiot!]
“No I still like you.” I said sexily to him.
“Ok.” He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!!!!!!!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.
“Oh my fucking god, where’s Draco!!!!111 How did Snap get back here!!! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan.” I asked sadly.
“Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can’t fucking die because you’re a vrompire. Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. [fucking Brit-… Wait, little preppy Britney masterminded a prison break!? I wanna read about THAT! God damn it, Tara! Someone re-write this fic from Britney’s POV! PLEASE! She just became the best character in this. O_O] I never liked her she was a bad student.” [She always attended class and never randomly fucked in the halls like all you ‘good students’. That bitch!] Trevolry said reassuredly.
“That bitch!!!!!!!11 [Ha, called it] Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?” [Why was Hagrid in Azerbaijan to begin with? You yourself said he wasn’t a ‘pedo’ or anything, Tara] I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep.
“Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!!!!!!” Trevolry said worriedly.
“OK. But where’s Dracko???? How cum he was doing it with Snap?????” [Now we’re questioning this? Suicide first; ask questions later, is it?]
“I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself.” she said. [These kids kill themselves almost as often as they change their fucking clothes… Seriously… Who still thinks that’s a big dea-…]
“OMG dat’s terrible!!!!!!!!” [Of course] I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn’t tell what was going on. Then I said “Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!!!!!!!!!” wiv dat I ran out.
“Good luck Tara!!!!!!!11” everyone cried. [Look, Tara, your self-insert is showing again]
I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. [Oh, the horrer! The horrer! It was horreble!] On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.
“You fucking bitch!!!!!111” I shouted angrily.
“No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!” she laughed. [I love you, Britney. ^.^]
“Crucious!!!!!!!!!1” I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically. [Booo, you suck, Eboby!]
“No!!!!!!1 Help me!!!!!!1 Please!!!!!!!!1” Britney screamed terrifiedly. [Hang in there, Brit, all heroes have to endure some pain. >.>]
I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. [Your time-traveling Ipod produces… Tapes? I… Y’know, sure… Whatever… We’ve come this far] Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. “OMG Vampira!!!!111” I yielded.
We hugged each udder [I want to think of a joke for this, but my brain just died] happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow [if Valcrest had Ipods… We’d probably call them this lol]. His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!!!1)“I wus so worried you died!” moaned Vampire.
“I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me.”
“Where’s Draco?” I asked spuriously.
“Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?” Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.
“I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM.” I SED SMARTY. [MY CAPS LOCK IS STUCK AGAIN OH NOES]
“I’ll do it den.” Harry said angstily.
“OK.” I argreed. Suddenly……….all da lights in da room went out. And den…….da Dork Mark appeared.
“Oh my fucking satan!!!!!” Harry shouted.
“I fink Voldimort has arrivd.” I sed anxiously. “Fuck, I have to find Draco!!1 I guess we shood separate.”
“Ok.” Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.
AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz. Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!!!!!!!!!111111 if u flam den fukk u!!!111 [I’ve long given up on trying to decipher these]
I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there!! [Yay?] He sat der in deddly bloom in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!!!!!111 I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape but I felt sorry for him. He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face.
“Draco are you okay????” I asked.
[Okay, the fic is ending and I haven’t done this once so far, so you’ll have to excuse me for it, guys…]
“I’m not okay.” [Draco’s theme song, aw] he screamed depressedly. I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. [Seriously? This fic is named after a song about 20 times more depressing than that!] I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it.
“Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?” I asked teardully.
“I-” Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room!! They didn’t see us.
“Im so glad we me and Snape were freed.” said Loopin. [We, me, and what? WHO?]
“Dam, this job would be great if it wasn’t 4 da fukking students!” Mr. Norris argreed. [You work in a school, you moron!]
“Pop addelum!!!!!111” I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them. [lol, wut?]
“Noooooooo!!!!1” Lupin shouted as chains came on him. Mr. Norris ran away.
“You fukking perv.” I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice. “Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I’m gong 2 torture u!!!!”
“I don’t now where he is!!!!1111” said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn’t know who Satan was really. [And he’s not gonna question it at all either. Why would he?]
“Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!!1” Vampire said. I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way, Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then.
I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. [I, what?] And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily. [What?] Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. [Okay, so they tied up Loopin to film themselves fucking in front of him? I… WHAT? I know he filmed Eboby and masticated to it and all, but you gotta question who the perv really is in this scenario. ^.-] We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. [Hey! Girls can handle firearms just as well as boys, you sexist! >.>] “Oh mi satan!! Draco!!!!” I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy [Haha, I’m gonna miss these euphemisms, I swear. lol] Den he did da same fing to Harry. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. “OMS!!!111” cried Vampire. “Oh Vampire! Vampire!!!” I screamed screamed. “Oh Satan!!!!!” yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. Suddenly……………………………..
………….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!!!!!!!11 [Wait, isn’t that Draco’s car? ^.-]
AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming ok!!111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!!!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!!!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!!!!1111 omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait!!! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak.
“Dat’s mi car!!!!” [omg, consistency! I swear, I didn’t see that coming. o.o] shooted Draco angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz………….Snape!!!!! [Yeah, you already told us that, Tara. Guess that consistency couldn’t last til the end of the paragraph, huh? -.-]
“I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads.” [wouldn’t he help you better if you freed him first, genius?] he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing [No comments. Nope. Not a one. >.>] above us. “Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. Den the Dork Lord shall never die!!!!”
“You fucking prep!!!” yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. “I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn’t really have sexx him but he’s a ropeist!!!!”
We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan. We were so scarred!!!!1 But Satan didn’t change. Instead he changed into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into………… Voldemont!!!!!!!111 [*gasp!* Satan was Voldemor-… Or wait we knew that all along. -.-]
“I knew who thou were all along.” he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. “Now I shall kill thee all!!!!!!” Thunder came in da room. [He’s cartoon villainy levels are over 9000!!!]
“No plz don’t kill us!” pleaded Vampire. Suddenly Willow, B’loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in.
“What is da meaning of dis?” Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.) He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. [I wanted to find an image for this, but almost died of shame the moment I typed the words ‘sexy broomstick’ on Google search. What am I doing with my life?] Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.
“Oh my goth!” Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik) [Oh, Tara, you still fail at puns]
“The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!” Snape ejaculated menacingly. [Yes, read that again. Really take that sentence in. Snape ejaculated menacingly. That is a sentence that was actually written into a story. Aren’t you glad you read this far? I am. XP]
“You fucking preppy fags!” Serious shouted angrily.
“I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!!!” [So much wrong… Where to even begin… Harry wasn’t there during the ‘sand’ thing for starters, cruciatus is not a four-letter word, this would still be the stupidest one liner in the history of one liners even if it was… I could go on, but you get the fucking point] screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco’s car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.
“Oh my fucking god!!!1” I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with
“If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton.” He laughed meanly. [Hasn’t everyone in the ‘skull’ seen them fucking at this point? Also… Goffik Paris Hilton? I… I need to Google this… please tell me someone photoshopped this…]
[Internet… I am so disappointed. =.=]
“No!” I scremed. “FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!!!!11”
“Whats she talking abott??????” Lupin slurped as he sat in chains.
“I saw 2 she’s gunna show evry1 da picter!!!111” Harry shouted angrily.
“Shut up!!!111’” Lumpkin roared. [Yes, these characters are attempting to solve this by blackmailing each other with home made porn. It’s glorious]
“Foolish ignoramuses!!!!!!” yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. “Thou shall all dye soon.”
“Think again you fucking muggle poser!!!!!1” Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns! But Voldimort took out his own one. [You… Have… WANDS!!!]
“U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!!!!!!!111” I shouted despariedrly. [That’s… Oddly racist. lol]
“Acco Nevel’s wand!!!11” cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil’s wind was in his hands. “Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!!!!!!!!11111” [Why did have to do that? He has a wand! And a gun! Everyone else has gun! MY BRAIN IS BLEEDING!!!!]
He maid lighting come all over da place.
“Save us Ebony!” Dumbledark cried. [Because everyone else is fucking useless, clearly]
I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.
“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” I shooted.
That’s it guys. That’s the end of My Immortal. My head hurts now, but we survived.
Now we need to finish Christian Potter. Twins have mercy on us all. o.O