That’s right; double feature because I want to get this thing over with already.
I will not miss this fic. I’ll be more than glad to never have to look at this again as long as I live.
Just remember, I’m reading these for the first time, so if my commentary is lacking or just seem like an overreaction to you… That’s probably due to shock and horror. >.>
So let’s get to it, shall we? =.=
Author’s Note: Hello, friends! Many of you have notified me about the typo in the last chapter… Oops! I was feeling so confident in my newfound writing skills last class; and I didn’t think I needed to ask the teacher to full proofread. Once again: oops! I guess this just goes to show that Proverbs 16:18 applies to us all =) And that, friends is why this chapter is so late going up… I waited to post until Greg had had a chance to look over it in detail. He says I am definitely improving; but he did still have some suggestions. Hope you all enjoy! [Well, Greg is not that great seeing as Grammarly did catch about 39 issues in your text, lady… At least it’s not killing my browser like My Immortal]
The cheering crowd converged on the two righteous boys. They were led by Dean Thomas, Hermione, and Ronald. Hermione reached Harry first. Joyful tears were streaming down her face and her lacy pink skirt was swirling around her legs. When she reached Harry, she wrapped her delicate arms around him in a chaste hug.
“I was so scared,” she whispered tearfully. [Ugh, kill me noooow]
Harry pulled away and patted her reassuringly. He told her, “There is nothing to be afraid of. Not when we are on the side of righteousness.” [When is Voldemort gonna show up and feed these annoying little shits to the lions again? >.>]
Hermione grinned admiringly. She exclaimed, “You’re so brave!”
Harry smiled humbly and blushed and rubbed the back of his neck like a shy schoolboy. [he IS a schoolboy. And we know that] He didn’t know why, but he felt so different around her than other people. Perhaps it was because she was so godly. [Godly? I… Ugh] But Harry felt that it might be more than admiration that he felt. What was the word? He could not quite put his finger on it! [they’re fucking ten years old! He’s not supposed to be putting his fingers anywhere… What are you doing?]
Dean Thomas stepped forward and gave him a very polite handshake. “Amazing job out there,” he commented intelligently. [bitch, shut up about Dean Thomas. I will smack you! >.<]
Harry smiled humbly. “It was the work of a power greater than my own.” [humble is not a word I’d use for this little asshole]
Dean Thomas shook his head in admiration at how humble Harry was being. Truly, a light was shining in this little one!
Ronald was next in line. Tears were streaming down his face and his nose was running down to his chin. He wiped his face with a big freckled hand. He stuck out the other one for Harry to shake. Harry generously returned the action.
“That was amazing,” Ronald sobbed honestly. “How do I be as holy as you?” [Oh, Ronald, I was rooting for you… -.-]
Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione exchanged a knowing look. “Maybe,” they suggested, “it has something to do with the hat on your head.”
Ronald got a thoughtful look on his face. His many siblings that were too many for two parents to care for did not like the look of that. All together, they walked over and grabbed Ronald and pulled him away. [one more reason why the Weasleys are the best] Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione were sad, but they hoped in their hearts that their words of truth would plant seed and grow.
But before they could think too much about that, a car pulled into the parking lot. [Please tell me the license plate didn’t says ‘666’ -.-] It did not look like the car a busy mommy or daddy would have. No, this was a small so-called eco-friendly car. [Of course, lol] Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione looked at it suspiciously. They did not know who would come out of it, but they got the feeling it would not be someone good. [only horrible people would by anything with ‘friendly’ in the name]
The car stopped. The door opened. A man stepped out. He was tall and pale-skinned. He was a younger man, with only a thin layer of hair hidden underneath his shirt. [omg, did I honestly just read the implication that bare-chested men are evil? This is the funniest thing in this entire fic] He was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants and sneakers.
No one seemed to take much notice of him. But then the reverend’s wife stepped onto the scene. She screamed. She fainted. [not-McGonagall’s only contribution to this piece of shit. Just enough to make me want to curl up in fetal position and cry because all my childhood heroes are dead. Well done, Christian Potter. Well done. >.<] At the sound of her cry for help, the Reverend Dumbledore came running to the rescue. So many so-called “pro women’s rights” people think that Ephesians 5:22-25 is just about wives being submissive. What they don’t talk about is that it also tells husbands to sacrifice for their wives. Wow! Does that sound oppressive? [Yes!] When he saw the man who had gotten out of the car, he stopped and gasped and then he shouted, “Stand back, students! This is Voldemort himself!” [It was….. Vol-eh, fuck it. This fic is actually not worth a My Immortal joke]
Author’s Note: Blessings!
Proverbs 16:18 – Pridegoethbefore destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.
Ephesians 5:22-25 – Wives, submit unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore the as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.
Author’s Note: Hello, friends! I have some news; and I know that it might be disappointing to the mommies out there. My husband and I had a very long talk last night; and he doesn’t think that posting my writing online and going to classes is a good idea for our family. It was a hard decision for me to accept; but he does know best. I want to thank all of the many righteous believers who have supported me in this little mission of mine; and I hope that this last chapter ties up the loose ends as best as one chapter can. [apparently HERE is where people started to suspect this was a troll. If they believed this shit so far, than this chapter must be REALLY over the top. Let’s see!]
Harry gasped; and Dean Thomas gasped too; and Hermione burst into tears; as Voldemort ambled through the parking lot. The enormous crowd of righteous students were nervous; but they still stood boldly in the face of such horrifying evil. Dumbledore stood in front of them protectively and manfully.
Harry looked at the depraved man walking toward them; and he thought of all the lies that he must have been told by Evolutionists and Feminists all his life; and he thought of the empty, meaningless depravedness that must he would have to have to distract him from that missing Love in his life; and he thought of how one day he would die; and that there would be no happy heaven for him, only the flames of hell. Harry wondered how anyone could be so stupid. Who would want hell more than heaven? It made Harry so angry. [there so much wrong with this paragraph that I simply can’t be bothered… I just want to finish this thing already. V.V]
Voldemort stopped walking when he was in front of the Reverend Dumbledore. He arrogantly nodded and said, “Hey, my name’s Tom Riddle, and I’m here to visit my cousin. Which way is the guys’ dorm?”
“Enough of your lies,” Dumbledore exclaimed bravely. “We know who you are.”
Voldemort blinked stupidly; and then he uttered childishly, “I’m sorry… what?”
Dumbledore smiled smartly. “You’re pretending to be dumb, I see. Well I’m not stupid. We know all about how much you hate Christians.”
“What? I don’t hate Christians,” Voldemort lied dishonestly. “What are you even talking about?”
“You’re still pretending to be dumb,” the Reverend pointed out truthfully. “We know all about your plot to illegalize Christianity, Voldemort.”
Voldemort blinked stupidly again and questioned evilly, “Wait, this is about my Reddit account?” [*facepalms half to death* NO! OH, COME ON!]
“Is that what you call your godless coven?” Dumbledore queried knowingly. “Well yes I have indeed seen your so-called Reddit Account; and just try to deny your hatred of Christianity when you post things like this-‘kristians all sux. their religion is stoopid and should be illegal. i will rite to congres and tell them to make law.'”
Harry Potter laughed intelligently; because Voldemort did not even understand proper spelling and grammar.
“That was a joke,” Voldemort retorted unintelligently. “That whole account is a joke. I mean, ‘Voldemort_the_righteous_skeptic’?” He laughed with the nervousness of one who knows he is damned. “Of course you’re not supposed to take it seriously.” [My brain just died. I’m… I READ THIRTEEN CHAPTERS OF THIS SHIT! FOR THIS?]
“Do you think religion is a laughing matter young man?” Dumbledore demanded righteously. “Well it is not! What sort of a joke is trying to outlaw religion?!”
“Of course I don’t actually want to outlaw religion,” Voldemort uttered deceptively. “That would be ridiculous. I just got annoyed by the ridiculous straw man some Christians have made out of atheism, so, whenever I see someone ranting about how depraved and evil we nonbelievers are, I reply with something like that. You know, taking that stereotype to an extreme to point out how ridiculous it is. [oh, shut up, you stupid writer self-insert… There’s no excuse for you!]
“Also, a small but vocal minority of atheists exists that stereotypes and mocks anyone who disagrees with them. They can be just as hateful as people think we all are, and that does real damage. They bug me as much as the straw man arguments do – and they give those arguments credibility – so I do the same thing to them, replying with an extreme version of what they said to highlight the absurdity of it.”
“So, you’re making fun of atheism?” Dumbledore interrogated shrewdly.
“No, no – I am an atheist,” Voldemort explained sinfully. “I’m just –”
“Just as I thought,” Dumbledore surmised wisely; and he smiled holily in satisfaction that the Lord had worked through him. “We have been preparing for this day; and we have been preparing for it for a long time. Students!”
The holy little ones stood at attention.
“Convert him!” Dumbledore commanded bravely; and all at once-the students began to shout.
“You have been tricked by the lies of society,” Harry shrieked knowingly. “You deserve to burn in hell!”
“Come over here!” Dean Thomas screeched articulately. “Debate me on religion!”
“I’m just so upset that you don’t accept the Bible,” Hermione sobbed femininely. “The Bible is the best book ever. Why can’t you just respect that?!”
“I’m a Gryffindor Hat now!” Draco yelled boldly with the inspiring zeal that so many newcomers to the faith have. “Do you hate me now? I bet you do!”
Voldemort covered his ears with the discomfort that heathens often find themselves with when they are confronted with the truth; and he shouted loudly to drown out the word of the Lord, “You’ve been preparing to do this? To scream at me?”
“It is the work of the Lord!” Dumbledore explained accurately. [I’m sorry, I’m genuinely so angry I’m crying. I don’t know what else to say here.]
“Aren’t there better ways to spend your time than preaching to a bored idiot who makes fun of people on the internet?” Voldemort questioned hedonistically. “Your Lord seemed to be pretty concerned about helping the people around him. Is that not his work anymore?” [I don’t even care that’s a good point. I just want everyone involved with this to die]
“How can we focus on helping people; when there are people like you trying to destroy us?” Dumbledore countered astutely.
“I told you before, that Reddit account is a joke,” Voldemort whined pathetically; but the Reverend shook his head.
“I thought that might be so at first,” the Reverend commented fairly. “But it was just too realistic.”
“How was it realistic?” Voldemort inquired uninformedly. “It wasn’t even subtle! I waxed poetic about the sexiness of neckbeards and said that Christopher Hitchens has superpowers. It was supposed to be funny! How could you take it seriously?”
Dumbledore scoffed; and he replied faithfully, “Like it or not-your little ‘joke’ is what most atheists today are like.”
“So my Reddit account solidified your conception of atheists as a bunch of anti-Christian bigots who are just angry at God?” Voldemort solicited stupidly; and then he sighed. “Okay, you know what, this has gone too far. I’m sure that most people can tell that I’m not being serious, but if I’m contributing to misinformation and stereotypes, I don’t feel comfortable continuing this.”
Voldemort pulled an iPhone out of his pocket; and he began to type on it. After a few minutes, he showed the screen to Dumbledore. “See this? I just made a post: ‘I am a troll.’ It is the last post I will make on that account. Are you happy?”
Dumbledore virtuously ignored the heretic; and he turned to the little ones standing behind his protection. “Students of Hogwarts! This fool will not listen to reason. Let’s save this heathen’s soul!”
All the little ones got down on their knees; and they raised their hands to the sky; and they screamed to the heavens, in the voices of those who knew they were doing great work, “Lord, please make Voldemort a Gryffindor Hat!”
Voldemort sighed wickedly; and he shook his head godlessly; and then he walked away depravedly. But even as the fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist disappeared into the distance, the righteous little ones continued to pray. They knew that, if they screamed loud enough, they could change the world. [Under any other circumstances I would have found this last sentence here funny, but I’m honest-to-all-the-Twins too fucking pissed off right now]
Guys, I… I’m gonna be honest, I was warned about how this fic ended and still I didn’t expect this. I’m pretty sure this fic gave me a brain tumor and I’m going to die. So, I’m gonna go put my affairs in order and cool down before I say anything more. Next post I’ll do my comparison between this and My Immortal and; as I’m sure you all already know it’s the case, I’ll elaborate on why My Immortal is actually better than this tripe.
See ya then, if I live that long.