Triggered (aka A Post I should Have Deleted But Didn’t)

*I wrote this with the sole purpose of illustrating what goes through my mind when I am ‘triggered’ by something. While I mean everything I say here, understand that the moment I was going through has passed and addressing it now would be pointless. I’m writing this disclaimer in the beginning because I don’t want anyone responding to this post only two lines into reading it and not catching on to that detail*

This… “Reblog this in the memory of those who committed suicide.”… Was on my Tumblr dash.

I hate this. I hate seeing things like this. I hate having to look at things like this. It makes me angry and I hate that it makes me angry. Because I know the people who reblog feel like they’re doing a good thing. And to some people who suffered losses like me, maybe it is a good thing; I don’t know, maybe to them it accomplishes something, but not me. It feels shallow and unnecessary. And in some particularly bad days, it feels like a pile a salt in a perpetually open wound.

Things like this make me into a bad person. They turn me into the kind of person who wants to tell a bunch of people who did absolutely nothing wrong that they’re fucking idiots because if there’s life after death I doubt anyone there gives a shit about you post on Tumblr. I want to yell at their faces to mourn their dead in silence and private so I don’t have to fucking look at it.

Then I feel guilty, I feel horrible because what kind of person would say something like that? What kind of a person am I? What kind of person do I become when I’m in a certain particular state of mind?

I’m a fucking horrible person. I’m not saying this purely out of self-loathing either, I become a cruel, angry, borderline violent person in some situations and although I once told myself this was behind me, that this was just teenage angst making everything look much uglier than it really is, this part of me is well alive still. It comes out from time to time. It scares the shit out of me.

All of this goes through my head in the seconds it takes me to scroll through that one post and it disappears almost immediately after. It would be like it never happened, except now I feel sad and tired as if I literally watched every dark moment of my life pass before my eyes like the sped up footage of an old home movie. The heavy feeling leftover in the pit of my stomach is bound to stick around for the rest of the day. Sleep will get rid of it later if I’m lucky, but I don’t feel particularly lucky now.

If you’re reading this and you reblogged that post, look; I don’t mean anything by it. And this is not a complaint about it or anything related to what people reblog or don’t. The only reason I wrote this is because I wonder if some people out there are aware of what the actual meaning of ‘triggered’ is. What a ‘triggering event’ actually does. Because I see that word thrown around the internet like it simply means ‘offended’. Being triggered is not the same as simply being offended by something. Being triggered means reliving every single unpleasant feeling related to a traumatizing situation or life period. It happens in a split second, often over something seemingly trivial, and it doesn’t go away. We all have triggers, some more than others, and you can’t possibly avoid them all but, to me, it’s important that people understand that this isn’t something as small as the term itself seems to indicate. It’s serious, unavoidable, and unpleasant as all hell.

That’s all I have to say about that really. I’m done.

B.B

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