As you can see by the title, I decided to split these chapters. I didn’t do this with the first one because I needed to get to the point where they travel back in time in one go, or else you wouldn’t be able to grasp the exact kind of insanity we’re dealing with here.
I cut this chapter off in a very specific place too, just to instill Doom with an extra sense of dread (you’ll see what I mean XP). I’m not sure yet if I’ll do the rest of it in one go or make the whole chapter a 3-parter. I’ll see about it when I get there.
Disclaimer: Jo Rowling’s is a professional author [Oh, so the writer does know HP was written by an actual competent author… Could’ve fooled me, buddy], I own nothing but my ideas.
The time they spent snuggling and comforting one another was enjoyable and provided them with much needed reassurance, but they were rudely returned to their current reality by a ferret trying to gain access to their compartment. [I’m assuming they mean Malfoy here, but since the author decided to be cute and nickname this character before he’s even fucking introduced, it might as well have been an actual ferret. Who the fuck knows at this point?]
Harry tensed ready for battle but Hermione’s kisses drove all other thoughts from his mind [you’re both children now!], when she decided to come up for air the ferret and his handlers were long gone.
“It’s time to start figuring what we want to achieve here love, if you want to walk into Hogwarts, tell Dumbledore to go screw himself and come straight home with me then I’ll be right by your side, but I think we have to decide now.” [Yes, screw beating Voldemort, it’s not like he was the worst absolute thing to happen to the world… Not like a certain ginger we dare not speak of >.>]
Her kisses this time were a lot softer, “I know you inside out Harry Potter, you have scars on your soul that we have been given a chance to heal. Sirius is alive, as is Cedric, Remus, Tonks, her father and many more, we can make sure they all stay that way.” [defeating Voldemort might help with that, just saying… you might want to think about that, kids]
Harry held her tight, “I’m sorry love but I can’t go through those seven years again, Ron is a dead man walking and nothing you can say will change that. Umbridge, Malfoy and Percy were on the panel that ordered that dementor to feed on you while Molly was the driving force behind the charges, there can be no mercy for them either.” [Okay, okay, okay… So let me get this straight… You’re planning to punish (which I’ll assume involves murder, because really; it’s this fic) a list of people who at this point in time not only have done absolutely nothing against you, but have literally no chance of doing so since you’ve already decided to not undergo any of the events leading up to that… Ron, at this point in time, is an eleven-year-old kid, Molly Weasley is a loving mother to several children, Percy’s only crime for what I understand was sitting there… I’m sorry, but I don’t see how I can side with your protagonists here, author]
“I don’t think they deserve any, they didn’t show much in the way of mercy to us! [It HASN’T happened! It CAN’T happen! I get it that it feels real and recent and all, but use your fucking brains!] All I’m saying is we need to set some goals and those will do for starters, are we going to take down Voldemort?” [NITWIT Hermione thinks defeating the Lord of all evil is optional… YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SMART!]
“There is no way I could leave you and stand there while the bastard hits me with an Arvada Kedavra, that’s just not happening. We could destroy the horcruxes and keep our options open [knowing about them ahead of time is an advantage, I guess, but what options do you plan to keep open? destroy the Horcruxes (notice how I capitalized that) and then be like ‘fuck it, we’ve done enough’?], the day I gave you that ring I was intending for the four of us to disappear to the Black island off the coast of Bermuda, that still sounds appealing to me, let the rest of them drown in the ocean of shit entirely of their own making.” [The fuck? I WASN’T SERIOUS, DUDE!]
“That sounds wonderful to me as well but at this point in time we don’t have access to Black island, unless we get Sirius out of Azkaban [is that the only reason you’d want to do that, Hermione? So Sirius is your access to a tropical getaway, Hagrid is still useful as a bodyguard apparently, can’t wait to see what you have planned for the rest of your “friends” >.<]. The reason I stopped you from attacking Malfoy is that his father has the diary, we know what he’s eventually going to do with it but not until next summer [Yeah, another huge problem with this fic is that it picks and chooses what its butterfly effect will actually influence. Because if I recall correctly, Lucius only discarded the diary in a stupid attempt to soil Arthur Weasley’s reputation as well as rid himself of an incriminating object, after he had started to look into his illegal shit. But oh wait! Considering that Harry’s revenge plans greatly affect the Weasleys there’s no reason to assume Lucius Malfoy will ever have a need to lift a finger against Arthur at all. So the chances of that journal ending up in Hogwarts at this point are… Less than fucking zero] We could just ambush them that day in Diagon Alley and take the bloody thing, I have no wish to be petrified or see you fighting that bloody Basilisk to save a Weasley.” [She means Ginny, the then eleven-year-old girl Riddle’s journal forced to attack several people, slaughter Hagrid’s chickens, and write racists slurs on the walls… ]
“I see what you mean love, me slaughtering the ferret on the train might lose us the diary, though I’m wondering if that might not be a fair exchange?” [Okay, so you’re just going to slaughter everyone you dislike? Really? Canon Harry wouldn’t have killed Malfoy after he became a Death Eather, but NITWIT Harry is gonna just slaughter him before he even gets the chance to be mildly annoying… Our hero, ladies and gents!]
“You’ll get no argument from me, it all depends on our goals’ Harry, if we’re going to let Voldemort take over the country [how could that possibly benefit you? Do you actually think fucking ‘plot convenience Island’ is going to save your asses if Voldemort takes over!?] then we can throw Malfoy off the astronomy tower tonight.”
“I can’t make up my mind whether to feed Ron to Fluffy or lock him in the bathroom with the troll, he and Myrtle keeping each other company in a toilet u-bend for the next millennium sounds like a just punishment to me.” [Leave Myrtle fucking out of this, NITWIT Harry!]
“Why settle for just the one, couldn’t we let the troll work him over and then feed the leftovers to Fluffy? I think we need to decide on Voldemort and everything else will follow from there, we also have to be careful not to appear too knowledgeable and try to stay out of the spotlight [watch them fail miserably at this in just a few paragraphs. I’m not even kidding], though I understand that will be difficult for the boy who lived!”
Harry kissed her again, “Well my new philosophy is pretty simple, I trust no one but you and that’s the way it’s going to stay, we’re not two naïve kids this time and anyone treating us as such is in for a rude awakening. Let’s just keep an eye on how the ‘adults’ react around us and see if we can spot who’s playing games. Our biggest problem may be that I don’t think I can survive without you to cuddle into every night, you Miss Granger are addictive and I can safely say I’m hooked!” This ended any conversation as Hermione showed her appreciation of that comment [stop making me imagine these two eleven-year-olds making out!], after all the man of her dreams had asked her to marry him and she was focusing on that to blot out the earlier incident.
The only time their door was opened the entire trip was to buy sweets from the trolley lady, Harry had just left the Dursleys and as usual was famished. The occupants of the train appeared more concerned with the nonappearance of any Weasleys than the two first years who sat cuddling each other the entire journey. [Staaaahp]
Leaving the train to the familiar sound of Hagrid calling for the first years tugged on their heartstrings, it was one thing to talk about letting Voldemort take over Britain, seeing Neville standing alone, too shy to ask anyone about sharing a boat, was a whole different matter. [Oh, no… Stay away from Neville, you dickholes! >.<]
Both headed straight for him, “Hi there, want to share a boat with us?” Hermione asked. [FUCK YOU!]
Neville seemed more relieved than anything else and muttered ‘sure’ before the three of them sat in the little craft and began chatting as it slowly took them to their new life. “I’m Hermione and this is Harry, we’re new at this magic malarkey and, although we’ve both done lots of reading, we’re hoping that someone can take us under their wing and help us out.” [and we are totally eleven, you can tell by how we totally talk like kids and not adults trapped in children’s bodies]
This was more than anyone had said to Neville since his Grandmother put him on the train, “I’m Neville, are you both muggle born?”
“Hermione is and I might as well be, didn’t know about magic until my eleventh birthday. [this is their story and they won’t be sticking to it by the end of this chapter. Seriously] Have you grown up with it or are you just like us?”
“No I come from a magical family though they weren’t sure if I was going to be magical, to be honest I’m still not convinced I should be here.”
The insecurities and lack of any self-esteem were plainly visible in his body language, it was hard to believe this was the same boy who would charge at Voldemort and destroy the final horcrux, [He probably isn’t anymore, because if you haven’t already, I’m pretty sure you’ll ruin him completely soon enough] “We’ve heard stories about these houses Neville, which one do you think fit’s you?”
“I’ll just be happy if any of them take me.”
“Oh you’re a definite Gryffindor!” the boy’s eyes nearly popped out his head at Hermione’s declaration, “You don’t think you shouldn’t be here yet [so he does think he should be here?] you’re still going ahead, that says Gryffindor courage to me.”
“My Grandmother put me on the train and I was too scared to get back off!”
Harry placed his hand on the frightened boy’s shoulder, “Neville if you stride up to that stool, place the sorting hat on your head and demand to be in Gryffindor the hat will be forced to place you there, that’s true Gryffindor courage.”
They could see him thinking about it as he kept the conversation going, “What houses are you hoping for?”
They looked towards each other, only now were the implications beginning to dawn on them, place Harry, Ron and Peter Pettigrew in the same dorm and there would be at least one murder done. “We’re not sure Neville, I think we’re both sneaky enough for Slytherin while loyal as any Hufflepuff.”
“Hermione here is scarily brilliant [*snort* not in this fic, she isn’t… Not Miss “do you think maybe we should vanquish the Dark Lord and save millions of lives or… Nah?”] and would fit right into Ravenclaw.”
“While Harry here is Gryffindor enough to stick his wand up a troll’s nose while saving a friend. [RON TOOK DOWN THAT TROLL!] One thing’s for sure, we’ll be in the same house or we’ll be home for supper!” Neville had never heard anyone speak with such confidence in his life. [confident doesn’t mean ‘right’, author… Tom Riddle was pretty fucking confident too]
Harry had his arm around her shoulders to show his agreement about them being together, Neville had to ask, “Are you a couple?”
Harry’s smile was a beacon on the dark water, [what? Oh, they’re on the boats… Still a fucking weird thing to say] “Hermione is my best friend and my girlfriend.” She placed her hand on Harry’s cheek and Neville’s reaction almost overturned their boat. [If he’s puking over the side, I don’t blame him]
“I thought you said you were muggles, where did you get that?” indicating Hermione’s ring.
“Harry gave it to me, I think it’s beautiful.”
Neville couldn’t take his eyes off it, “Oh it’s beautiful, it’s also an old family wedding ring, when the head of an old family places that ring on a girl’s finger and she accepts it, that couple are then married!” [HAHAHAHA]
Harry shook his head, “See Neville that’s why we need you around, I give my girl a ring and now this lovely lady’s my wife, you help us with this magical stuff and we’ll give you a hand with lessons and homework.” [Right, because the two kids who ‘know nothing about magic’ are the ones you want helping with your magic school homework. Although in all fairness, canon!Hermione was brilliant, but this is NITWIT and eighteen-year-old Hermione is barely smart enough to be alive]
Neville was trying to understand this couple but had nothing to compare them with, perhaps there was nothing to compare them with? “For this marriage to be binding you would have to be the head of an old family and Hermione would need to want to marry you, this is crazy as you’re both eleven!”
“Neville my name is Harry Potter and this lovely young lady has been my best friend for years [you’re eleven, did you start dating in pre-school?], I can’t think of anything that would please me more than having her as Hermione Potter [Kill me…]. I found this ring in my vault and immediately thought of Miss Granger here so maybe you can understand why we’re not upset about this.”
“You’re Harry Potter? Malfoy was all over the train looking for you!”
“It’s just Harry Neville, is Malfoy the little blond git?”
“Eh Harry, if this is true then there might be a bit of a commotion when they read the names out in the great hall, Mr and Mrs Potter could bring the roof down.” [They ‘got married’ on the train, how to they immediately become ‘Mr and Mrs Potter’? I know this is a magical world, but even the news of Voldemort’s return didn’t travel this fucking fast!]
All chat stopped as Hogwarts came into view, Harry and Hermione may have spent six years living in the castle but the view was still spectacular enough to take your breath away.
They were out the boats and McGonagall had just given them her ‘your house is your family speech’ when Malfoy made his move, she had hardly left the entrance hall when the blond shoved Neville out his way and stuck his manicured hand out to Harry, “My name is Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. You’ll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don’t want to go making friends with the wrong sort, I can help you there!” [See, this is what I mean with this fic picking and choosing what its time travel affects. Malfoy said that whole ‘some families are much better than others’ spiel in the books because Harry was with RON on the train. He barely seems to notice Neville and he doesn’t know Hermione; and even if he did, she’s not from a wizarding family to begin with, so what is the point of him making that exact same comment when it makes no sense? People are NOT fucking robots, author, they won’t blurt out the exact same bullshit regardless of context… Or are you assuming that Malfoy met Harry briefly in Diagon Alley and then went home to obsessively rehearse that speech in anticipation that he’d be with a Weasley and then when it turns out he wasn’t, he just didn’t want to waste it? Because that’s a tremendous assumption to make… and you should sit in a corner for a while and question your sanity]
Harry glanced at the offered hand and tried to hold his temper, “Where did you get the idea that I would need an arrogant little albino prick like you as my social secretary? [this is Harry holding his temper, keep that in mind] You throw the name Malfoy around like it’s supposed to mean something well I tell you what it means to me, your father didn’t have the guts or conviction to stand up for his beliefs and used his money to help lie his way out of a prison sentence. Your aunt is a psychopath who’s currently rotting her arse off in Azkaban and you have the audacity to stand there and propose to tell me which wizarding families are better than others? Why don’t you take dumb and dumber here and run crying to daddy!” [Okay, so, remind me; what was your story again, Harry? Let’s scroll up and take a look… Hmm… Oh, here it is: “…didn’t know about magic until my eleventh birthday.” And somehow you know the Malfoys’ history with Voldemort, who and where Bellatrix Lestrange is, and what Azkaban is as well. Are you gonna go ahead and console Neville about his tortured and insane parents you shouldn’t know about just yet or you’re gonna leave that one for later?]
Draco was incensed, didn’t Potter know who he was? [he clearly does]“Potter when my father hears of this…”
Harry was right in Draco’s face, “He will do the exact same as his son and wet himself, I dealt with his master when I was a baby so why do you think I would be afraid of the servant now?”
Draco tried to return Harry’s stare but the whine in his voice told all the first years who was winning this contest, “The Malfoys are nobody’s servants.”
“You keep telling yourself that while everyone else can imagine your father down on his knees kissing the hem of Voldemort’s robes.” [I greatly suspect the whole of this fic will be rewriting the books to make Harry the asshole self-righteous bully. His knowledge of the future doesn’t make this better, since he’s witnessed several times Draco being horrified at having to follow Voldemort and fearing for his family’s safety].
The screams from Harry saying the name were covered by the appearance of the Hogwarts ghosts, McGonagall returned before Malfoy could conjure a witty reply so he sulked away muttering threats of retribution.
Harry grabbed Neville and pulled him back to his side, “Don’t let that arsehole push you around Neville, you’re worth twelve of Malfoy.” [Every single time the books are quoted only makes things worse]
Minerva was about to reprimand the boy for his use of language until she realised what he was doing and decided not to hear the remark, it would appear that Mr Potter had already made a friend and the way Augusta coddled Neville this might be the making of the lad. [Oh, yeah, McGonagall sucks in this too. You’ve been warned] She led the new first years into the great hall to be sorted.
Harry and Hermione were too busy wondering how long it would take the redheads to get here that the sorting hat had finished its song and Hannah Abbot was heading to the Hufflepuff table before they knew what was happening.
When McGonagall called for Daphne Greengrass and Hermione was still standing there, the couple understood that any attempt at staying out of the spotlight was now about as likely as Umbridge making a nude calendar. Harry knew the magical world had its quirks and foibles but couldn’t imagine there would be much demand for an ‘amorous amphibians’ publication. [This joke was lame enough without you actually explaining it, dude. =.=]
“Neville things are about to get very messy, just remember you’re our first magical friend and don’t worry about any shit that happens around us. We can take care of ourselves, and our friends.” [Just leave Neville alone, for fucks sake!]
When his name was called and still no mention of Granger, Neville understood what Harry was saying, this revelation would be the talk of the castle, no the whole of magical Britain would go berserk at the news the-boy-who-lived was married, and to a muggle born to boot! [ugh]
Neville squared his shoulders, “I’ll keep you guys seats at the Gryffindor table!” he marched up to the stool and the sorting hat was on his head for less than thirty seconds before it shouted “Gryffindor!” His beaming smile towards Harry and Hermione let them know they had just made a friend for life. [Because they hadn’t the first time? I don’t get it. This implies they didn’t expect Neville to be their friend, which is actually logical, except for the fact they also seem to expect everyone else to act according to the stupid script they have in their heads]
Minerva had been staring at the next entry on her list wishing she didn’t have to read it out loud, her gaze shifted to the two children who were standing holding hands and wished there was something that could be done to avoid the maelstrom that was about to descend upon them. She hoped Albus choked on his infernal lemon drops for forcing Harry to grow up outside their world, “Mr and Mrs Harry Potter!” [Yeah, because taking your husband’s name isn’t a decision you make, ladies, it just magically happens whether you like it or not!]
Minerva didn’t think the dark lord turning up in a tutu [welp, that’s about the only thing missing from My Immortal] could have drawn anymore attention than the young couple walking hand in hand towards her, they squeezed together on the stool as the hat expanded to fit over both their heads. [Yep, they even get sorted together, because marriage means you’re no longer an individual]
“Mr and Mrs Potter, let me be the first to offer my congratulations on your recent nuptials and say welcome back!”
“Er, thanks I think, can anyone else hear us?”
“Only the three of us are privy to what is said during your sorting Mr Potter.”
That was good enough for Hermione who had a load of questions needing answered, “You know we came back in time, have you any idea how that happened?” [I thought she didn’t give a shit >.>]
“A combination of effects Mrs Potter, can you remember what you said to your husband when he placed the Potter ring on your finger?”
“Of course I can, I’m hardly likely to forget that! I said I’ll love you forever Harry, in this world and the next.” A semblance of understanding began to percolate at the back of Hermione’s mind.
“As usual Mrs Potter you are correct, your husband used similar words when he proposed creating an amazingly strong bond of marriage [I hate how it feels the author is trying to compare this shit plot mechanic to the sacrificial protection Lily bestowed on Harry when she died to save him. Maybe it’s not intentional, but it reads like it and I hate it] . When they then used the same dementor for both of you, your souls joined with such force the creature was blasted to pieces, and so I might add were most of the room’s occupants.” [Bet you thought I was exaggerating when I said they exploded everything with the power of their love, right? Yeah, no, that’s actually what the fic claims happened… I wish I was kidding too. >.>]
“That doesn’t explain what we’re doing back here though,” said Harry.
They could sense something that felt like sorrow emanating from the ancient magical artifact, “You both gave everything you had to give in the defeat of evil and were then betrayed by a magical community that didn’t deserve you. [Fuck you! How many people died or almost died in the books just to protect Harry? Don’t give me that ‘you’re too good for this world’ crap!] You are the chosen one Mr Potter but misguided people stopped you reaching your full potential, with this young lady at your side our world could have been dragged into the new millennium. Instead, an event took place that saw you both flee the country and the scum clawed, lied and cheated their way back to the top unopposed, your work was only just beginning with the defeat of Riddle but of course you chose to support the love of your life.”
Hermione felt this tattered old piece of cloth was insinuating that this whole mess was her fault [that would imply Hermione is actually capable of doing something, which in this fic is virtually impossible], she’d had enough of being pushed around. “Again that doesn’t explain why we’re back here, could you please just answer the question, we had enough of Dumbledore playing games and not giving us the answers to last us two lifetimes!”
“The powers that be decided to send you back with your memories and powers intact, they understand that you’ll be looking to apply some retribution but now see the necessity for that. For our world to survive the stupidity that is blood purity must be abolished, we need a revolution and you two have been elected to be its leaders.” [The powers that be are morons who apparently see the necessity to give these two fucktards a go-ahead to exact revenge on children over things they will never grow up to do and start a revolution to fight an oppressive regime that has not yet been instated and likely never will]
“Shit! I never asked for, nor wanted any of this. Don’t we get a choice?” [you were supposed to be dead and you’re bitching over the completely clean slate you were just given just because you’re a fucking special snowflake too good for this world… Yeah, totally rooting for Voldemort on this one too. Or Ron. Ron is the actual villain here, I assume]
“Of course you do Mr Potter, but from young Mr Longbottom’s demands to be placed in Gryffindor I would say you have already made it. [he would have ended up in Gryffindor either way, so there was no point in doing that] You are both intrinsically good people [not in this fic they’re not] who will not hesitate to make the difficult choices, giving you back your lives and each other was the least that could be done for you. As Hermione is Mrs Potter, married to the head of the Potter family, that ring would automatically appear on her finger, signifying her unquestionable and unchangeable status to everyone in our world.” [in the next few chapters you’ll notice that this whole “head of the Potter family” and status bullshit will be a pretty gigantic contradiction to the whole “anti-elitism” spiel this fic was trying to pull with Ron claiming he was entitled to Hermione back at the start]
Calling her Mrs Potter placated Hermione a little, for now. “Ok that’s better than anything we’ve been able to come up with so far but shouldn’t you get on with the sorting, we’ve been here ages.” Hermione could have sworn the hat chuckled.
“Very little time has actually passed, communicating by this method is considerably faster, am I to assume its Gryffindor once again for both of you?” [So they just get to decide? That kind of defeats the purpose of the sorting, doesn’t it?]
“Only if you sort Ron Weasley somewhere else,” Harry growled.
“Unfortunately I don’t think I can, he has no loyalty which rules out Hufflepuff, let’s just say his exclusion from Ravenclaw’s a given while he has ambition enough for Slytherin there is no guile there.” [so the argument here is that Ron belongs in Gryffindor (considered best house by pretty much almost everyone) because he’s too shitty for any other house? That’s hilarious]
Hermione wasn’t going to stand for that, “Oh he managed to pull the wool over our eyes for all those years, I think he would fit right in there.”
“I could offer you Ravenclaw?”
“With Cho and Marietta, no chance!”
Harry was the one who scuppered this choice, “Justin and Ernie are worse than the Creevey brothers, at least I can ignore them.” [It’s ‘let’s list all the characters the author hates’ time!]
“Well then I am rather at a loss…”
“I’m sorry Mrs Potter I don’t understand, that’s not a house.”
“Yes but my house is there, I say we get the fuck out of this place tonight and the country by next week. At least we’ll live to see twenty.”
Harry didn’t need the use of language to know that Hermione’s patience had finally snapped [how could you tell, she’s cursed at least ten times by now], apparently the sorting hat had cottoned on [if this is an intentional pun, I’m actually impressed. Savor this moment, it’s probably won’t happen again] too because it suddenly shouted “Gryffindor married quarters!” before she could carry out her very real threat.
“What about Ron?” Harry asked before the hat could be removed.
“He shall be placed elsewhere.” [Yeah, so apparently these fucktards are so important they can blackmail the sorting hat into doing whatever the fuck they want]
Hermione had just enough time to say, “Place Luna in Gryffindor next year” before McGonagall lifted the battered old hat off their heads. [Why? Luna seemed perfectly content with being a Hufflepuff in the books. And if this is about them being in the same house… Again; why? Her being a Hufflepuff didn’t stop them being friends the first time around… This is pointless. Either way; Luna is in this! Joooooy. =.=]
I think this author doesn’t understand character development. I really think that. Because all the criticism this fic gives to the original pertain to things that ultimately built Harry’s character and made him… Well, not a self-entitled asshole like NITWIT Harry.
So yeah. The whole “this is how it should have happened” attitude is really going to get on my nerves soon.