It’s NITWIT day! Hooray! =.=
It’s a bit past noon as I start this, I just woke up, and I haven’t eaten anything yet. So I’m not in the best of moods, but I really want to get an early start on this so it doesn’t take up most of my afternoon.
So let’s finish chapter 2, shall we?
The sorting hat’s confirmation that they were married saw them greeted with total silence as they made their way over to sit beside Neville, as he congratulated his new friends the spell was broken when McGonagall announced the next name to be sorted.
The couple were then bombarded with questions, which they politely ignored in favour of watching the staff’s reaction while chatting to Neville. Harry felt no pain in his head when Quirrell turned around so the chances were good his scar was just that [again; how is the Horcrux just not there anymore? And why it not being there means Harry gets super Gary Stu ‘wandless magic’?], Snape’s permanent scowl made it difficult to get a read on him while the normally serene Dumbledore appeared as if he’d swallowed a wasp. [oh, yeah, the author of this fic should have warned that it’s definitely not for Snape or Dumbledore fans either. I’m glad my mother would never get to read this, she’s still not over either of their deaths. No, I’m not kidding. We don’t mention Dumbledore’s death in this household] He had to be nudged when the sorting was over and just signalled for the feast to begin, the old wizard obviously had a lot on his mind.
Harry reckoned he would be paying a visit to the headmaster’s office sooner rather than later, Dumbledore would be disappointed. [Fuck you, sir]
They had just finished their meal, Harry trying not to eat too much because his stomach wasn’t used to it, when the headmaster stood and gave his beginning of term announcements. Once again they were reminded that the forbidden forest was in fact just that, and again the third floor corridor was deadly.
They found themselves being escorted by McGonagall in the direction of Gryffindor tower, being a prefect down and having a married couple in her house led to her taking responsibility. Harry wasn’t sure if it was just for a chance to question them prior to Dumbledore’s summons, they were adopting the headmaster’s style of not telling lies but definitely not supplying the entire truth.
“Where did you two meet?”
“We met on our first day of school, we’ve been best friends for years.” [what?]
“When did you get married?”
“Today on the train apparently.”
This caused Minerva to do a double take before Harry continued, “We had intended to get married in the future but the ring I gave her means we were married today.”
“How did you get a hold of that ring?”
Harry faked a look of puzzlement, “It’s a Potter family ring, I’m head of the Potter family by being the only one left, why shouldn’t I have my ancestor’s ring to give my girl?” [Because you were raised in the Muggle world and doesn’t know shit about wizard families or so you claim?]
McGonagall was now the one puzzled, “Mr Potter, where did you hear all this?” [Having her briefly question some things is the smartest McGonagall gets in this fic, whereas in canon I’m pretty sure she’d have them in a dungeon by now because their stories don’t add up and “who are you and what have you done to the real Harry Potter?” >.>]
“Our new friend Neville told us, why wasn’t I supposed to know my rights?” [Careful Minerva, or the eleven-year-old brat will call his lawyer. Do wizards have lawyers? They have trials, they should have lawyers. Eh… >.>]
They had reached the Gryffindor portrait hole so she was spared from answering, after telling the Potters the password she led the pair further down the corridor until stopping at a suit of armour standing in a recess. “Charles we have two for the married quarters, you need to set a password that will allow you entry.” [I’m disturbed that Hogwarts has married Quarters and that everyone is just so cool about two eleven-year-olds having access to them]
Quick as a flash Hermione offered “Australia!” McGonagall’s quizzical expression prompted an explanation, “My family are considering moving there, Harry and I have already started researching magical schools to decide what part of the country suits us best. Some of them look fantastic and for us a warm Australian beach will beat a drafty old Scottish castle every time.” [I know at least one Australian who would disagree with that as much as I would disagree if someone said that of a Brazilian beach. You don’t know what fucking heat is until you’ve lived in it =.=]
‘Charles’ stood aside, revealing a hidden door, they entered what appeared a cosy one bedroom flat with its own large bedroom, sitting area, bathroom / shower and compact kitchen, they could be quit comfortable here. [of course… Only the best of Mr and Mrs Sue >.>]
Minerva’s mind was still on the password though, “Mr Potter would you really move to Australia? Your parents would have wanted you here.”
“Professor, my entire life I have been told my parents were no-good lazy drunks who died in a car crash, you saying they would have wanted me to attend here means nothing to me.” [That’s it. This is the point where I no longer care how many times Ron tried or succeeded to rape Hermione, I’m Team Weasley. YOU SIR are the greatest asshole to ever exist in the Universe and I hope you die in a fucking fire]
McGonagall couldn’t believe what she was hearing, “James and Lily Potter were two of the kindest and bravest people I’ve ever met, they are heroes in our world!”
“Yet their son ended up living in a cupboard, treated no better than a slave. If that’s how you treat your heroes professor, then maybe you can understand why Australia appears so attractive an option to us.” [Right, because keeping their son in the only place where all those pissed off Death Eaters who believed killing him might bring their master back couldn’t get to him was fucking horrible. James and Lily would be ashamed the entirety of the wizarding world would go to such an extent to protect their child]
Minerva had no answer, she’d told Dumbledore that night he was making a mistake leaving Harry there and now it would appear they could end up paying for it. Harry Potter leaving Hogwarts to attend another school would be a hammerblow to the prestige of Hogwarts and its headmaster. [Because of course that’s all they actually care about, right?] Albus wanted to talk to the boy tonight but she now thought that would be another huge mistake, although they appeared quite open she could sense that their answers were carefully considered before being given, not something she was used to with first year students. [Stop trying to convince us these two twats being complete and utter assholes to everyone but a chosen few is something worthy of admiration]
Minerva had been asked by Albus to enquire if Harry had seen the Weasleys, she thought this was a strange request but then Albus wasn’t exactly what you would consider normal. [Definitely not. Albus Dumbledore was what I’d consider fucking brilliant]
“We seem to be missing a few students, they all have distinctive red hair, did you by any chance spot them in the station?” [At this point I just want to dimension jump the Weasleys to Valcrest… A whole family of gingers whose second eldest son is a dragon handler… they’d be treated like royalty. >.>]
“Is their mother a wee fat woman with an extremely loud voice and obnoxious bossy attitude?”
Minerva wasn’t sure how to reply to that, “I’ve never heard her described that way before but it could possibly be, why, did you see them?”
“Well this woman in Kings Cross was shouting about muggles and platform nine and three quarters, she then grabbed me and started to drag me away. In school we’re taught how to deal with that, you scream blue murder for help, so that’s what I did!” [this would have been humorous if you had managed to make me dislike the characters you’re trying to punish. As is, it just makes Harry a gigantic asshole]
Minerva was almost afraid to ask, “What happened then?”
“Last I saw of the nutters, they were being led away in handcuffs by the police, I left to get on the train and find Hermione.”
This was not how she envisaged her day turning out when she got up this morning, but it wasn’t finished yet [I feel your pain, Minerva. =.=], Mrs Potter had one last shock for her. [If Hermione tells her that she’s somehow magically pregnant I’m going to burn my computer]
“Professor as our head of house we are required to inform you if we leave the school [okay, not so bad, never mind >.>], according to ‘Hogwarts a History’ as married couple this is our right. [Why is this a precedented incident? It shouldn’t be. There shouldn’t be pre-established rules for this shit] It is our intention to leave after our last class on Friday to spend the weekend with my parents.”
Minerva could only nod, “Please give me that in writing after you receive your timetables tomorrow, I know this whole marriage thing must come as a bit of a shock, if there is anything I can help you with please don’t be afraid to ask.”
Minerva was the one in shock at Hermione’s saucy answer, “Professor, this is our wedding night and I think we’ll manage fine without any help.” [Well, eating lunch while doing this was a mistake…]
The stern professor was almost blushing as she left them alone, Harry was gobsmacked, “Hermione Jane Potter, what was that all about? You know we’re both eleven and that wont be happening for a while yet.” [haha, it’s funny because married children making sex jokes…. haha… fuck you =.=]
She kissed her husband [sorry, this will never stop disturbing me], “Harry if we want to be taken seriously it starts now, what we do is our business but I intend to remind them we are married at every opportunity. If we behave like children, then that’s the way we will be treated, they’re certain to start leading us in the direction they want us to go, claiming as adults they know best but we both know they don’t.” [NITWIT Hermione is a moron who doesn’t understand there are actual benefits to acting the part and being discreet, despite she herself claiming they should keep out of the spotlight in the beginning of this very chapter]
“Yeah but we’re still too young for that, right?” [You actually need to ask if you’re too young at ELEVEN for that?]
Hermione’s smile was a beautiful thing that Harry didn’t think he would ever tire of seeing, “Love I understand we have to grow into our bodies, I even have my big teeth back, but between the tent and our time in Australia we’ve lived together for about a year and a half so this should be no different. I expect my husband to kiss me goodnight and to wake in his arms every morning, the other stuff will sort itself out with time.”
Harry held her closer, “Just remember that even as an eighteen year old I was still clueless, look how long it took me to ask for your hand, please hit me with a beater’s bat if you need to draw my attention to something I should be doing. I’m so lucky to have you and never want to disappoint my beautiful wife.” [I know the author thinks this is adorable. It’s not. It’s not adorable. It’s annoying at best and at worst it’s fucking disturbing]
This earned him another kiss, “Mr Potter you’re doing just fine, when do you think the redheads will get here?” [Please, at least put your ‘cutesy’ talk and your revenge talk into SEPARATE sentences, for the sake of my sanity. My brain can only compute so much nope at a time. =.=]
“I don’t know but you can guarantee they’ll be mad, we better be ready for anything.”
Molly Weasley wasn’t mad, she passed mad a long, long time ago, her legendary temper had erupted but the police officers paid it not the slightest notice, with her hands cuffed behind her back and no wand, Molly was powerless to do anything but rant. That rant was the reason she’d spent the rest of the day in a cell, had she been calm and explained the incident away as a misunderstanding, the whole family would have been out of there within the first hour. [I don’t recall Molly Weasley ever going off at anyone other than her husband and children and for perfectly good reason. I’m the youngest of five children, guys, I can assure anyone who asks, it is impossible to raise that many kids without sounding like a lunatic at least once every couple of hours]
Instead, she had screamed like a banshee, promising retribution on all who were involved, and hardened the attitude of the police officers who began to dig deeper and found nothing. They had no records of the entire family, no way to contact this supposed husband who apparently worked in some capacity for the government. Combined with no records of any kind existing for the five minors apparently in her care, this set professional alarm bells ringing in the police station as other agencies were drafted in to assist. [I have no comment to make here. If I have to give this author credit for anything is that he makes Muggle authorities seem about fifty times more competent than in the actual books. *shrug*]
September the first is one of the busiest days on the magical world’s calendar so nothing was picked up as being wrong until Albus floo-called Arthur Weasley, this finally set the ministry wheels in motion. [Magical authorities not so much] The obliviators were kept very busy as all record of Molly Weasley ever being in the police station had to be erased as well as quite a few memories, then it was off to child care services to collect the kids. Even the animals had been taken to a rescue centre but worst of all was Ron, Molly was in tears as she looked on at what these bloody muggle torturers had done to her boy. Harry would be delighted to discover that he had indeed broken Ron’s jaw, his mother found him in a hospital bed, recovering from having his jaw surgically wired.
The family looked on in disbelief, did the muggles think Ron was a werewolf or vampire who would to bite to treat him this way? Wiping out the hospital records and some more memories was then followed by a trip to St Mungo’s to have Ron unwired, the poor boy would have starved to death in a few days!
Thus it was that Molly’s fuse was even shorter than normal as she led her brood into Hogwarts next morning, on entering the great hall her eyes immediately scanned the room before locking onto her target. That little shit was going to get a personal howler delivered from a distance of six inches while she held him by the throat, Molly rushed straight at him. [Okay, before we go any further with this insanity, let just look back on what just happened here… This woman was arrested, had her children and animals taken away, one of which had his jaw broken by this little shit turd she was just trying to help get on a train, all of that for; to her knowledge, absolutely no reason whatsoever. Yeah, it’s kind of hard to fault her here. I would want to murder the shit out of this kid too. I don’t care if his behavior made sense or not. And honestly, at this point there’s nothing this author could do to make me side with NITWIT Harry on anything. I just want the little shit to die]
The Potters were sitting eating their breakfast while discussing the timetables McGonagall had just handed them, as the conversation began to die around the pair, Hermione glanced up just as Molly was about to make a grab for Harry.
How she kept that curse to a ‘petrificus totalus’ she would never know, the temptation to hit the bitch with a ‘reducto’ was almost overpowering. As it was, a petrified Molly crashed into the table where Harry had just been sitting, face first into his half-eaten porridge. [It’s like slapstick… only not]
Percy Weasley was one angry young man, he’d spent the entire time since receiving his badge dreaming of strolling through these hallowed halls proudly displaying to the school that he was a prefect. Instead, he missed the feast, sorting and leading the first year Gryffindors to their new home. Now a first year had just cursed his mother [Good job perfectly justifying your supposed antagonist’s actions, author. I actually like Percy more here than I did in the books lol], Percy drew his wand ready to extract some retribution. Unfortunately for Percy Hermione’s wand was already in her hand and he found himself in the same predicament as his mother, without the aid of porridge to break his fall.
Harry had moved just as fast as his wife, while petrified Molly was falling past him, Harry’s wand was in his hand, he gave the twins time to reach for their wands before casting the same curse as Hermione. He switched his attention to Ron and wasn’t sure if the boy was more upset about his mother being cursed or the porridge being wasted [haha, Ron likes food! That’s funny because… wait, what?], not knowing any magic, he let out a roar and charged at Hermione.
Harry’s wand tracked his progress but he really wanted Hermione to deal with this, she did! [and all by herself too! It’s almost like she’s actually a capable human being! Except not] At first it appeared as if she’s choked but when Ron was the correct distance away she exploded into action as her right foot connected with excruciating force and painful accuracy on her attacker’s groin. [This is not the last time Ron gets hit in the balls. No, it won’t ever actually be funny]
Ron’s forward momentum was stopped from the waist down but his upper body was still going forward, bending him over and giving Hermione the perfect target, with a cry of “BASTARD!” her knee crunched his nose. Ron landed in a groaning heap at Hermione’s feet as her wand now pointed at the little sister. “Are you staying out of this or do we need to deal with you as well?”
Ginny was brought along because her dad had to go to work and the girl was excited, she was going to see Hogwarts. Seconds after she had admired the ceiling her family were on the floor and she had the terrifying sight of an enraged brown haired girl pointing her wand at poor little Ginny Weasley. She could only shake her head as her voice wouldn’t work. [Justice! I guess? *mutters* what the fuck am I doing with my life?]
Harry had been afraid there for a second that Hermione was going to let Ron reach her, had he laid hands on his wife nothing in this hall would have been able to move quick enough to stop Harry killing him. Hermione was standing just that bit straighter after inflicting some punishment on the prick, she’d obviously decided to deal with him physically as that was what she needed to gain that bit of self-respect back. With a wand in her hand Hermione was always going to make mincemeat of Ron Weasley, in this or any other time [except she never does], now she knew that physically he wasn’t going to defeat her either. [he’s fucking eleven!]
Snape’s expression was almost gleeful as he shouted from the Slytherin table, “Twenty points each from Gryffindor and detention every night this week, that also means you lose your privileges for the coming weekend.” [YEAH! You tell them Snape!]
McGonagall was also still handing out timetables and it was to her Hermione turned, “Who’e he and can he do that?”
“That is Professor Snape, head of Slytherin and I’m afraid he can.”
“So this woman and her family attack us and we get punished for defending ourselves?” [You’ve incapacitated five people and threatened a ten-year-old girl, so YES!]
McGonagall could only answer, “You should have let a professor deal with the situation.” [Yes, EXACTLY]
“I’m sorry professor but I don’t trust any of the staff in here to do that, I will not stand back and watch my husband attacked while we wait to see if a member of staff can be bothered to intervenes. [I don’t know you and I’ve been in the magical world for less than 24 hours, but I already declare you all incompetent and unworthy of my trust. And there’s nothing suspicious about that at all!] Had the action for defence been as quick as the reaction to hand out punishment we would not be having this conversation, you have forced our hand.” She turned to Harry, “Do we need anything from the room?”
Harry thought about it, “We’ve read all the books, won’t need parchment, quills or school uniforms again so I would reckon just our jackets [you’re not taking Hedwig?]. You know you’ve been dying to try that spell!”
Hermione held up her wand, “Accio Mr and Mrs Potter’s jackets.”
The entire hall were riveted by the scene playing out in front of them though some of the older ones were now scoffing at Hermione attempting a summoning charm, that was until two jackets flew into the hall.
Minerva feared she knew the answer but had to ask, “Mr and Mrs Potter, can I ask what you are doing?”
Hermione had it all figured out, “We’ll take a walk to Hogsmead, should be able to find a public floo there that will allow us to reach the Leaky Cauldron, from there it’s a tube and taxi back home! This morning’s incident proves beyond doubt we were both lied to, if this is the best magical school then I pity the rest. That poorly disguised attempt to deny us our rights before we’ve even finished breakfast on our first morning has indicated what we can expect if we stay here, especially since neither our head of house nor the headmaster has spoken a word in our defence.” [You know, I think I understand why I hate Harry and Hermione so much in this… They sound exactly like every self-entitled twat on the internet who believes ‘fair treatment’ is only valid when it applies to them. They attacked four people with little provocation or warning and are now acting like they’re the victims. And yeah, they sorta tried attacking them, but Fred and George barely had their wands out and Ron was more than incapacitated when Hermione busted his face with her knee. And to the knowledge of all present except the Sues, there was literally no reason for such violence]
Albus was now dragged into this, he’d been angry with what Minerva had told him last night, as well as her refusal to bring Harry to his office, he was pleased that his head of Slytherin had cleverly negated their plans for a weekend away from Hogwarts only for the whole thing to blow up in his face. “I’m afraid we can’t allow you just to walk out of here, as headmaster I act ‘in loco parentis’ while you are in Hogwarts and don’t think this action is in your best interests.”
Hermione’s sweet smile belied the power in her words, “That is of course correct headmaster but you must also know our marriage negates that clause, or were you just hoping we didn’t know that fact. Harry is my husband and head of House therefore ‘in loco parentis’ doesn’t apply here.” [I’m sorry, no, fuck this. Married or not these are still two CHILDREN, and no school should be ALLOWED to let two CHILDREN leave their premises without the company of a responsible ADULT, Hermione!]
Albus tried again, certain he would be successful this time. “Mr Potter wouldn’t you rather be at Hogwarts than living with your aunt and uncle?”
Harry couldn’t believe his luck, “Oh so you are aware of my living conditions there? I have no intention of returning to that house ever again and will be contacting the ministry to find out why I was left on their doorstep in the first place. If that’s how the magical world deals with orphans, then I want nothing to do with it or Hogwarts.” [Okay, I don’t understand why Harry is being such a bitch about this. If this supposedly went down like in the books the first time, Dumbledore never denied knowing where Harry lived (Hogwarts sent him letters at the Dursleys after all), and the ministry was certainly more than aware of his living situation (seeing as they also sent him mail AND Cornelius Fudge himself told him he was safer there)]
That last statement could be very bad for Albus, he didn’t want events of that night looked into too closely and needed the boy staying in Privet Drive. That blasted ring was some of the oldest and most powerful magic their world possessed, even killing the girl wouldn’t alter Harry’s status as head of house. [okay, wtf, Dumbledore is contemplating murdering Hermione now. I’m all for that in this fic, don’t get me wrong, but wtf] “Mr Potter, should you leave Hogwarts this way, it could mean the snapping of your wand and…”
Albus never got to say any more as the crack of the boy’s wand breaking silenced him, Harry threw the broken wand onto the floor [of course, because that wand and its connection to Voldemort’s totally saved Harry’s life on multiple occasions, but he doesn’t need that anymore. He has his super Stu wandless powers… Fuck this fic. Fuck this fic so much] and offered his arm to Hermione, “Ready to go home Mrs Potter? You were right we should never have agreed to come here in the first place, the schools abroad look so much better. [You are literally worse than canon Malfoy now, NITWIT Harry!] We’ll keep in touch Neville.”
Neville was forced to concede that Harry wasn’t kidding when he said they could take care of themselves, they’d taken down five Weasleys in about ten seconds.
Ginny Weasley watched as her dreams crashed to the floor even quicker than her family, Harry left with Mrs Potter on his arm, and Harry Potter’s broken wand had landed at her feet, as if to emphasise she would never now marry the boy-who-lived. [Okay, I know Ginny had a crush on Harry since ever, but I doubt she’d been planning their wedding at this point =.=… And stop pissing on my OTP, you wanker]
A silent and stunned great hall watched as the young couple walked out the doors, the only audible sound was a mixture of crying and groans of pain coming from the semi-conscious Ron Weasley. [Hang in there, Ron, I BELIEVE in you! >.>]
A/N Thanks for reading
I will no longer be indicating which story I will update next, since it’s not until I sit at my laptop and begin typing that I know for sure. Updates will still be weekly though.
As Scotland is currently gripped by its worse winter for more than half a century, with the mercury not being above freezing for about a month and getting down to below minus twenty, the temptation to write about sunshine, beaches and palm trees is pretty strong. [There’s nothing too interesting in these A/Ns, but I’m still keeping them in because]
My thanks to Alix33 for taking the time to correct my many mistakes in this chapter
I really don’t like the treatment this fic is giving Dumbledore at all. I understand the frustration a lot of people have with characters like this, the mentor types who just steer the protagonists and don’t give them all the whys and the hows and all of that… I do, but… They’re also, to me, the most interesting type of character there is because of what they’re not saying.
I don’t know, writing Lena I’ve tried to recreate the sort of thing that made characters like Dumbledore, Gandalf, Obi-Wan and so on, so fascinating and I found it extremely difficult to pull off. It’s an art form, in my opinion, to convey so much with a character while at the same time showing so little of them. It’s a skill I’m still a bit far from mastering.
Seeing all of that conveyed as “Dumbledore was a manipulative sociopath” is really insulting to me. It just begs the question of why this person’s written so much HP fan fiction if they clearly seem to hate 90% of the characters and the entirety of the plot.
P.S: It’s 6 P.M now. I had to go out for a bit in the middle of the afternoon, but this still took up a lot more of my day than I wanted it to. >.<