Happy NITWIT day, guys! Sorry about the MLP review, but people came over yesterday and I had to go spend time with them. It was fun. If this doesn’t kill my brain too much maybe I’ll post it later tonight, but let’s face it… it probably will. >.>
Let’s just begin then.
In this World and the Next
Disclaimer: Only the ideas are mine, everything else belongs to JKR [I’m glad he’s nice enough to reaffirm these stupid ideas are in no way JK’s fault]
Neville looked on as the only two friends he’d ever made walked out of Hogwarts, at least they said they would stay in touch, his gaze swept round the hall at the devastation left in their wake. [*sigh* poor Neville. I’d say he dodged a bullet, but unfortunately, I read ahead and know he doesn’t get away]
Harry and Hermione had hardly stepped out the castle when bedlam erupted.
Molly Weasley had been released from Hermione’s spell and was spitting mad, as well as spitting porridge over everyone within range as she ranted, “Where is the little bastard? I’m going to kill him! How dare he do this to me and my family, who does the little shit think he is…”
This was more than enough for the tabby cat that was Minerva McGonagall, two of her cubs had just been hounded out of the castle by this woman who had the audacity to stand there and complain! The head lioness of Gryffindor roared into action, ready to take on all comers in defence of her young lions [What is it with this guy and comparing people to animals like it’s supposed to be funny or clever… It’s not! It’s stupid! STOP IT!], “That ‘little shit’ was sitting at his house table having breakfast when he was attacked by a madwoman who has no right to be here. Mr Potter has snapped his wand and left Hogwarts, when that news breaks I hope you have a deep hole to hide in because I for one will be ensuring the blame finds its way to the appropriate figures.” [I can’t tell if this author likes McGonagall or not since, as with most of his ‘liked’ characters she blindly defends Harry Stu, but at the same time she comes across as only giving a shit about what him not being at Hogwarts will do to the school’s reputation. I’m confused. Are we supposed to like her or not? HOW WILL WE KNOW IF YOU DON’T TELL US!?]
Minerva was looking directly at Snape when she made that last comment and the unconcerned smirk on his face was like a red rag to a bull [seriously, stop with the animals, what is your deal?]. Years of biting her tongue and putting up with this shit had worn her down to the point where her temper final snapped beyond repair. [I honestly don’t recall McGonagall and Snape having issues any greater than house rivalry before he ‘officially’ became a Death Eater] Minerva now had her wand in her hand as she tried to make-up for letting down the son of her late friends so badly, “From now on I shall be using my position as deputy headmistress to investigate all points taken and detentions allocated against members of my house. [This of course leads to the conclusion that she’s incompetent at her job seeing as a) she hadn’t been concerned with whether points taken and detentions were being fairly dealt prior to this and b) she plans to do it now but only for her house, because screw everyone else. How dare they not get sorted into Gryffindor! Gryffindor is best house forever! =.=] Should I find any member of staff discriminating against Gryffindor [This sort of shit it why I’m still pissed Pottermore didn’t sort me into Hufflepuff. I don’t want to be associated with this sort of self-important bullshit] they will receive an official reprimand, I would also like to remind staff that their contracts stipulate that three reprimands is an automatic one month unpaid suspension and a mandatory review by the board.”
Dumbledore had left his seat at this and made his way down to where the students sat, “Professor McGonagall I hardy think this is the place to be holding such a discussion.”
“On the contrary headmaster I think this is exactly the place to hold this discussion, you discourage heads of house from interfering in punishments handed out by other heads, to your mind this promotes staff unity, to my mind it just allows some to get away with reprehensible behaviour that will no longer be tolerated by me. This is not up for discussion as it clearly falls within the remit of deputy, should you wish to change this it would require my sacking, the choice is yours headmaster and I would appreciate your answer now before I begin teaching this year’s classes.” [Okay, I’m inclined to believe that McGonagall acting like an irrational twat and pretty much blackmailing Dumbledore in order to get her way is supposed to indicate she’s one of the ‘good guys’ in this fic, seeing as this is Mr and Mrs Sue’s favorite tactic]
Albus was seething with anger, all he’d asked the stupid woman [careful author, your misogyny is showing] to do was make sure Harry got on the train, how was it possible for her to muck that up so spectacularly? [he’s talking about Molly now, I assume. Which is odd since she hasn’t been actively in this scene since Minerva started talking. I honestly forgot she was supposed to be here altogether by now] Now, not only had the boy left the castle but Minerva was rounding on Severus, something Albus would have to try to deflect. It was time for the all-knowing, all-powerful Dumbledore [I hardly doubt Dumbledore ever thought of himself as either of this things at any point] to make an appearance.
Albus picked up the broken wand and noticed that Fawkes feather still held the two parts together, taking out the elder wand he managed to repair the shattered holly in front of everyone, once more enhancing his reputation as a great wizard. Handing it towards Minerva he was using his most reassuring voice, “No one will be getting sacked and I am certain we will see young Mr Potter in these halls again, please look after this for him until that time.”
Minerva wasn’t about to be placated by a show of power and calming words, [how dare Dumbledore act like a rational adult instead of giving a self-righteous speech!? He’s clearly wrong here! WROONG!] “Should the Potters decide to return I will be taking them under my wing, Mrs Potter was very clear in her words that she doesn’t trust any of the staff here enough to protect her husband. I happen to agree with that assessment but will do my utmost to earn that trust, if that means putting myself between them and anyone wishing to do the young married couple wrong then so be it [Hah, and we all thought Snape’s favoritism with Slytherin was wrong, but apparently that meant he was the best teacher in the school! Ah, wait, no… Only Gryffindors are ever in the right. Sorry, I forgot]. I hope everyone here is proud of the way we welcomed the boy who rid us of you-know-who back to the magical world?” [I hope no one realizes this isn’t actually supposed to be a question?]
She snatched the wand out of Dumbledore’s hand before Molly started screeching again, “Married? How can he be married?”
Minerva once more turned her attention to the woman, who may have wiped her face but still had porridge in her hair, “That is none of your business, just like you have no business being in this hall. Kindly leave before I call the aurors and have you removed, you and your family have caused quite enough trouble for one day.” [Note how questioning the two married eleven-year-olds is taken as a fucking capital offense here. Or any attempt at commons sense, really]
Albus now had two angry women on his hands [dude, your misogyny, cover it the fuck up before people see it!] so called for reinforcements, while he waved his wand over Ronald to stop the bleeding from his nose and vanish the bloody mess, he called for Fawkes to bring the sorting hat. “Let’s get young Ronald sorted into Gryffindor [okay, even if every other Weasley before him was sorted into Gryffindor, there’s no way Dumbledore can just openly assume he would be too] before we hand him over to Poppy’s gentle care, then Molly here can take little Ginevra back home.”
Fawkes soothing song calmed tempers and amazed the students, Ron walked shakily to the Gryffindor table before sitting down, Albus popped the hat on the boys head only to discover that this morning had yet another shock in store for him.
“Slytherin!” screamed the hat after only seconds and Ronald Weasley immediately lost his breakfast all over the Gryffindor table, considering the amount he ate, everyone agreed it was the most impressive non-potions derived display of projectile vomiting seen in Hogwarts for many a year. [Classy]
Severus Snape was delighted his barb had gotten that spawn of James Potter out of Hogwarts so easily, nothing Minerva said had managed to dampen that delight as he was certain Albus would somehow neuter all attempts to exercise her authority. He was having a wonderful morning until that tattered old hat had the nerve to place a Weasley in his house, was this some sick joke? [Why would Snape have anything against the Weasleys and if so, seeing as the Weasley’s are eeevvviiiilll, shouldn’t that make Snape one of the good guys? I’m fucking confused again!]
Ron’s robes had already acquired their green trim with that hated badge over his heart, this was not the introduction to Hogwarts he’d looked forward to ever since he was old enough to say the word. His nose still hurt, his balls felt as if they’d been introduced to a bacon slicer and he had his own colour coordinating green vomit all down his robes, Ron had only one thing on his mind, “Mum, can I go back home with you and Ginny?”
Molly thought she must have gotten some of that porridge in her ears as she could have sworn that hat said Slytherin, Weasleys never went anywhere else but Gryffindor. Seeing her son in those detestable colours after the morning she was having, was just placing a cherry on top of the piles of shit. “Either my boy gets re-sorted or I’m taking him home with me!”
Minerva wasn’t for budging an inch, “The sorting hat is an ancient magical artefact, not something you can order about just because you don’t agree with it. [HA. Sorry, but that’s clearly not fucking true. And if the hat was that all goddamn powerful it should have put Ron in Gryffindor just out of spite after those little shits blackmailed him into changing his sorting under the threat of leaving and then FUCKING LEFT ANYWAY] The decision stands and you can take as many Weasleys home with you as you like, every one of them was drawing their wands on two first years, including a Gryffindor prefect.”
“They were defending their mother who was under attack…” Dumbledore never got to finish as McGonagall chewed his argument to shreds. [Again, how dare he try to bring logic into this?]
“So it doesn’t matter that Mrs Potter was protecting her husband from an intruder, they were going to be punished while the Weasleys escape? Not bloody likely, you all have a week’s detention and I’ll have that badge back Percy.” [No one had even been given the chance to say whether the Weasleys were going to be punished or not before NITWIT Hermione put on her little scene, Minerva]
Minerva had wanted to give the position to Wood but Albus had convinced her that Percy deserved it more, there was just something about the boy that appeared too Slytherin for her liking [WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN!? So the sorting hat’s word is final unless you disagree with it, and Slytherin = EVIL?], so Minerva twisted the knife. “Drawing your wand on a first year is inexcusable, losing to that same first year just confirms you’re not prefect material.” [“Unless it was a Slytherin first year and you killed the little shit, then I’d give you a medal!” Congratulations, you’re officially a worse teacher than canon Snape]
Albus tried something to prevent the entire morning turning into a total dung-bomb, “Terrance could you be mistaken in your decision to place young Mr Weasley in Slytherin?” [The sorting hat’s name is Terrance? I… Ugh… Fuck it, why not]
The hat seemed to think for a minute before answering, “I could be mistaken,” the occupants of the hall held their breath waiting on the hat’s next words, “but I’m not. The lad has neither the smarts for Ravenclaw nor the loyalty demanded of Hufflepuff, by his own admission he’d rather go home than be in Slytherin, which hardly displays the courage required for Gryffindor. [That’s bullshit seeing as Ron is the exact same as he was the first time when you sorted him into Gryffindor. The only difference in this scenario is the fucking Potters and their potent aura of Sue that makes everyone either irrevocably evil or a complete dumbass whose only purpose is to answer to their every little shitty demand!] You let two of the bravest children I’ve ever sorted walk out the door because you refused to help them, I’m curious headmaster what’s so special about this one?” [fuck you!]
Albus had no answer, the Weasleys were part of his master plan to befriend Harry and keep the lad humble. With a wife now in the picture, Molly’s recent deeds and Ronald in Slytherin, that plan was in tiny little pieces but perhaps the Weasleys leaving Hogwarts could be used to entice the Potters back? “I’m sorry young man but you must either join your housemates or return home.”
“I shall be removing all my children from Hogwarts and rest assured, I shall be contacting the board of governors about the treatment I received here today.” [I shall be using the word ‘shall’ for absolutely not reason all of a sudden]
McGonagall still refused to back down an inch, “Rest assured Mrs Weasley I shall be contacting the DMLE about your behaviour here today, should the Potters wish to press charges I would quite happily agree to be a witness against all involved in this travesty.” [oh, shut up McGonagall, that’s enough out of you]
The twins fell on their mother, begging that she reconsider but their pleas were in vain, “You’re all coming home now, your father can make the final decision tonight.”
Percy had been publicly humiliated not once but twice, first an eleven-year-old with no magical training beat him in a fight, then his head of house took his badge and said he wasn’t cut out to be a prefect. He couldn’t wait to get out of here and wasn’t sure if he wanted to come back. [Honestly, I don’t blame him]
Filius and Pomona had watched this morning’s proceedings with great interest, the Potters leaving would be the front page of the Prophet for days to come, but it might actually be worth it to see their friend assert her authority. [Okay, why are we suddenly in Profs. Sprout and Flitwick’s POV for no reason?] Both intended to insure she didn’t slip back to just blindly following Albus [also they don’t seem to care she doesn’t seem willing to do shit for their houses as she’s only going to investigate unfair tratment to Gryffindor students. Are they going to be this happy when someone from their house accidentally steps on Harry Stu’s pinky toe and she gives them detention for it? =.=], watching as the Weasley family also left Hogwarts gave them some idea what a hacked-off McGonagall was capable of.
Harry and Hermione were strolling hand-in-hand down to Hogsmead, neither quite believing what they’d just done. [Crap. The only good thing so far was these two twats not being in the picture] “You know someone will be coming after us, the old man won’t let you walk away from his influence, you’re too important to his plans.”
Harry wore a wry smile, “I’ve had lots of time to ponder about this since the night Snape killed him and I think I finally understand Dumbledore. He’s utterly convinced that, for the greater good of the magical world, I must walk up to Voldemort and let him kill me, so he managed my entire life towards achieving that goal.” [That makes no sense. If you’re talking about the Prophecy, it says “either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives” so by that logic, Harry dying would ensure Voldemort’s survival and not his demise! If he’s talking about the Horcruxes; Dumbledore didn’t know about them before the diary used Ginny to open the Chamber of Secrets, none of which is likely to happen now because neither she, you or the diary will be at Hogwarts to begin with, YOU GODDAMN FUCKTARDS!]
“Bugger that Mr Potter, you have a wife to consider now!”
“I’m also pretty sure I don’t have the horcrux inside my head, which renders the whole scenario obsolete [I’m done trying to question why the Horcrux is suddenly not there, because fuck that; my sanity is more important], but my point is Dumbledore is not evil, he’s delusional. He gave up his life for the greater good as he saw it and can’t understand why someone else wouldn’t do the same.”
Hermione thought about this for a minute before replying, “Should we tell him?”
Harry was horrified, “Absolutely not! Dumbledore would think he was the only one who could possibly handle such information and obliviate the shit out of us [right because letting know about the Horcruxes in advance or, oh, I don’t know, explaining any of this shit you’ve been pulling would be too reasonable], we’d be lucky to remember each other’s names, far less that we were married. While I wouldn’t class him as evil, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t made my life crap because it suited his vision of the greater good.” [“That is to say, he’s not evil, but we’re going to carelessly fuck with him just as bad as everyone else, because to me personally he might as well be.” You are such a fucking hero NITWIT Harry!]
Hermione was sure Harry was correct and detested the idea of anyone messing with her head, [Oh, I’m sorry, what was that Miss “I’ll obliviate you for your own safety, mum!”? =.=] “So how do we handle this?”
“Well I suspect the old man won’t want to get personally involved, he likes to perform his manipulations through third parties [that’s why he had so many personal conversations with you in the original timeline and personally attended your fucking Quidditch matches just so you wouldn’t get hurt] or, if you prefer, get others to do his dirty work. We’ll have time to figure out how to play this, I think we should return but on our terms. I would like to see my godfather free, ensure my godson not only gets born but keeps his parents around for many years [Leave Tonks and Lupin alone, god damn it], we should also help Neville and Luna become the people we know they can be [Why do I feel neither me or Doomed will be happy about this part? =.=]. Watching Neville standing there alone brought back just how clueless we were, I’ve never made a friend right away like that, the whole Weasley situation must have been staged managed right from the start. I’m so glad you dealt with him today.”
Hermione was quiet for a moment, “I so wanted to kill him Harry, you have no idea how hard it was not to.” [At this point I’m not inclined to believe you’d be able to do anything right Hermione]
Harry now had his arm around her, “Hermione, had he laid a finger on you, nothing could have stopped me from killing him. To hell with everything else, you are by far the most important consideration in my life.” [*gag*]
She gave a weak smile, “Thanks Harry, although it was good to feel my foot connecting with his bits I think I’d still rather have killed him, does that mean I’m going dark?” [“Hahahahahhhahahaha!” Luckas, go away, you don’t do Harry Potter commentary! “I’m sorry, but this is so pathetic! Why do you subject yourself to this filth?” I… Don’t know… Look, if I start questioning the things that mentally scar me it won’t end very well for either one of us. “Fair enough, carry on.”]
“No darker than me love, Molly and Percy are definitely on my hit list. I don’t think I could take down Ginny as she’s still a child but Ron is [barely older than her and completely clueless!] another matter entirely, we’ll have to play it by ear with the twins.”
“Do we have the right to make those decisions Harry?” [No!]
“If we don’t then who does love, we’ve seen the future and it’s not pleasant. If we start second-guessing we’ll drive ourselves nuts, do you think Draco is saveable if given more chances? He was still trying to kill us in the final battle and only the Malfoy money saved him from Azkaban.” [*sigh* Malfoy was an asshole, but he did fucking spare Harry on more than one occasion even after becoming a Death Eater, so yes; definitely he could be ‘salveable’ as you put it]
“Your right Harry, Malfoy had chance after chance and made no attempt to change his ways [his family was under Voldemort’s thumb, you twats. What, was he supposed to say “fuck my mom, I’m a good guy now!”?], he’s a pureblood supremacist and, since it got him everything he ever wanted, sees no point in changing [maybe you use your knowledge of the future to change that? No? Too much work and would actually involve being decent human beings? Eh, fair enough. Don’t know what I was expecting there tbh]. If we try to alter the system, sooner or later we’re going to have to deal with the Malfoys.”
“We don’t need to decide everything right now, I’m still not sure getting out the country isn’t our best option. [How many times are you two going to have a mile long discussion about how everyone sucks and deserves to die and then decide you don’t need to decide? Because this is the second time and I’m already fed up] I think we need to head to Gringotts and find out what our marriage status does for us, face the goblins then the Grangers, oh what a lovely day in prospect.”
“My parents loved you before and will fall in love with you all over again, how could they not?” [Because their eleven-year-old daughter is married to some random kid she presumably met on the train and they just up and decided to leave school together with no adult supervision whatsoever]
Harry tried to hold on to that thought as they entered the Three Broomsticks to floo into the Leaky Cauldron.
Over two hours later and Harry led a shaky Hermione out of Gringotts, deciding his wife cold use a seat he pointed the dazed witch in the direction of Fortescue’s ice cream parlor.
Ordering a sundae for each of them, Harry waited until the waitress left before speaking. “The arrogance of Dumbledore strikes again, because he doesn’t know how to deal with something he just assumes no one else does. The goblin method of forcing the horcrux into a pig, slaughtering the animal and then roasting the carcass for a feast is not only brilliant but poetic justice.” [Since Dumbledore doesn’t know about the fucking Horcruxes yet, maybe you ought to tell him that? You know, seeing as he nearly dies trying to destroy the fucking things more than once? Also… That single line of dialogue is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read and the Cursed Child had the trolley witch attack the main characters with exploding candy (no joke; it’s fucking hilarious)]
Hermione gave an involuntary shudder with the thought she might never eat a ham sandwich again as Harry continued, “I just wish we had thought to ask them for help the last time instead of having to break into that bitch’s vault, the procedure doesn’t harm the item so the cup will be returned to the Lestrange vault undamaged and we’ll be able to save Ravenclaw’s diadem.” [How fucking convenient]
Harry’s next word was ‘ouch!’ as Hermione punched him none too gently on the upper arm, “What was that for?” [I don’t care, can you do it again please?]
“Harry James Potter why the hell didn’t you tell me you were at least ten times richer than the Malfoy’s?” [than the Malfoy’s what?]
“Hermione love I had no idea, I’d only been in Gringotts once since we rather hurriedly left it riding a dragon, and that day my only concern was hoping I had enough gold to buy the woman I loved a ring worthy of her. When I discovered what we now know is the Potter ring, the only other thing I was interested in was collecting the Black island portkey. The goblins advised I needed a will so I set up a trust fund like mine for Teddy and named you and him my main beneficiaries, Luna and Neville got a little but I just signed my name. They dealt with all the arrangements, I never once looked at the amounts as I was so bloody worried you were going to turn me down, if you had said no then all the gold in Gringotts would have been little compensation.” [I’m sorry, what? Harry’s been to his vault a shit ton of times in the books. He saw the PILES OF GOLD in there. Pretty sure he’d figure out he’s fucking loaded]
Hermione was staring at the new dragon skin wallet with tears in her eyes, “I’m sorry Hermione, but I know you never married me for my money since neither of us knew it was there?” [the fuck is this comment supposed to mean?]
“It’s not that Harry, my new Gringotts card has ‘Hermione Jane Potter’ printed on it and nothing can change that [Gringotts now issues credit cards. I want to get mad at this, but I just can’t], you have no idea how many nights I lay in bed dreaming of this [A credit card that says Hermione Potter? Uhm… You sure she didn’t marry you for the money, Harry? :P]. We’re legally married and neither the ministry nor the Wizengamot can alter that fact, I was sure there would be some loophole they could use to bring us back under their control.”
The waitress returned with the ice cream and they quietly enjoyed the treat while still trying to digest all that had happened this morning, “How would my wife like to try out her new card in Flourish and Blotts?” [If I ever have Jake and Crys call each other ‘my husband’ or ‘my wife’ other than AT THEIR FREAKING WEDDING DAY I give Doom and Wifey permission to track me down and shoot me. I’m not joking. It’s the most infuriating thing ever and no one should do it ever]
“I think my husband is either trying to spoil me or delay meeting his in-laws, which is it sir?” [For fucks sake, they’re just gonna keep doing that, aren’t they?]
Harry blushed at being so easily read, he should have expected Hermione to see right through him, “A little of both love.” She leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek for being so sweet before switching to her ‘must dash to the library’ expression as the idea hit home. [This would be cute if I didn’t already despise these two fuckers]
“Harry we know the Prophet is going to be all over us so why don’t we march in there and give them the story we want printed, before anyone else has time to put their slant on it. Follow that up with a letter to the head of the DMLE…” [You guys remember their ‘keeping out of the spotlight’ plan? Because these two morons sure as heck don’t]
The look of dread on Harry’s face had nothing to do with thoughts of the Daily Prophet, “Oh shit! Hermione I left Hedwig in Hogwarts, I released her in Kings Cross station yesterday so I could shrink her cage before racing off to find you. She’s smart enough to find me at your parents but that’s just what I don’t need, her mad at me as well.” [Oh he finally remembered Hedwig! I thought she was magically out of the fic now. Apparently she’s not that lucky]
Hermione understood how much his owl meant to Harry [so much he literally forgot her!] and hadn’t considered going back in time would save her as well, “Let’s add a stop to the Eeylops Owl Emporium for a nice perch and some special owl treats, you know she’ll forgive you, eventually.”
“I only hope we can say the same about your mother, I love the woman but she can be downright scary.” [Ugh. Yeah, this is going to be utterly stupid, you’ll see]
Oh, hey, I survived! For now.
I didn’t think this was going to be an easy one, so I can’t complain. Also, apologies for Luckas and his little intrusion, it’s not going to happen again.
*snort* “Wanna bet?”
Luckas, get back in the cage! >.<
Sorry guys. See you next week with more NITWIT and stay tuned tomorrow for ponies!