I Am Going Insane! O_O

I spent the entire weekend; Friday through Sunday, pulling all-nighters while watching a The Walking Dead marathon, working on at least a partial timeline for Shadows Rise. I’ve done so much math on such little sleep that I honestly don’t know how I’m even still alive.

I’m going completely insane working on this story and I LOVE IT.

This is the most motivated I’ve been in over a year. If I can keep up this enthusiasm 50k words in a month is going to be a breeze.

Yeah. I’m doing the NaNo things for the first time ever. I really am insane.

IF… If I can keep this up, it’ll be a breeze. I’ve written RP posts nearly that long, but… Even though I’m optimistic, who knows, maybe life isn’t quite done kicking me in the face. -.-

I realize I’ve been whining a lot about the amount of work I’m putting into Shadows Rise; not just here, but to my friends and family as well, and NaNo hasn’t even started yet. I’ve been complaining about the amount of planning, about confusing timelines, about doing so much math to figure things out, but you know, this is the good kind of stress compared to what I’d been feeling previously this year. This is me working on something I’m passionate about. This is me putting my all into a creative process. And if in the end of the night (or start of morning as it’s been these past couple days) I’m tired, it’s the good kind of tired. It’s that exhaustion that tells you something was accomplished. It’s satisfying.

As much as I complain, I’m the happiest right now that I’ve been in a long while, because my mind is active, I’m working towards something, and while I did earn a good pay from that translation work (and I have a couple more in the works for this next month, which oughta complicate things a bit), it wasn’t even close to making me feel really productive. Don’t get me wrong, I needed that, it lifted a weight off my shoulders like you wouldn’t believe, but… I only feel really productive when I’m writing and I wasn’t yet able to do that then. Everything else just felt a little bit like I’m going through the motions. Marking things in a mental checklist of what it means to be an adult.

This year is almost over with and… It was a really tough one, but now I think I can finally say I’m okay. All this good ‘stress’ I’m going through right now just serves to prove it.

So, when it was 6am on a Sunday morning and I was still working on my timeline, my Australian friend was about to go have dinner and he was telling me “Go to sleep, you don’t have to finish all this stuff right now. You know NaNo is optional right?” I just laughed it off and told him what I’m telling you guys right now… That, despite all my bitching, I’m not being a masochist, I’m not overworking myself and I’m very aware I don’t have to do NaNo. It’s just something I’m doing because, right now, I finally feel that I’m in a place where I’ll actually have as much fun with it as everyone else does. It won’t feel just like another added stress. I’m actually pretty excited about it even.

So let’s see how that goes, huh? >.>

B.B

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3 thoughts on “I Am Going Insane! O_O

  1. It’s a great feeling, isn’t it, when you hit a stride or a system that works out for you, and you realize just how awesome it is to be pursuing something that you love so much. It’s not always easy and it’s not always good, but it’s still the best thing ever. Just keep that in mind when the inevitable lulls hit, because they will, but you’ve just got to keep moving to get back to the good stuff.

    Good luck with NaNo, too! I’ll be participating as well, but I’ve been participating for years without ever winning. I always enjoy trying, though.

    Liked by 1 person

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