Hey guys, been a while, huh?
Sorry this took so long, but this one really bugged me and… I was having trouble giving better commentary than just… Angry rants. As much as I do often angrily rant, I actually try to be sensible in my commentary, but this one was too difficult. So I had to stop and take some time off. Coming back to it, it wasn’t much better, so I’m sorry if the commentary for this part isn’t so great, but I just have to push through it if I want to move forward with this series.
[In case you guys don’t remember, last time Harry was dreading meeting Hermione’s parents and explaining their insta-marriage… So of course, that’s going to be a bit tense, right?]
The woman in question was sitting finishing off the Times crossword in their lounge, the Granger’s dental practice was very successful, allowing them both the luxury of having Monday and Friday afternoon’s off. When Hermione walked in, leading a very nervous bespectacled young boy by the hand, she felt as if a cricket bat had just whacked the back of her head. [Don’t get my hopes up like this, fic. =.=]
Her scream had her husband racing from their home office to find his wife on her knees sobbing, with her arms around two children, one of whom they’d placed on a magical train to Scotland yesterday.
When the green eyes behind the glasses met Dan’s, the dentist also found himself on his knees, his legs felt as if they’d turned to jelly and wouldn’t support his weight. The emotions that kicked-in overwhelmed the father who thought he would never see his daughter and her young man again, Dan’s voice was trembling nearly as much as he was, “I asked you to bring her home Harry and you did, I don’t now how you did it son but I always believed you would.” [They remember. They… Remember… I… Give me a moment to process this…]
Hermione broke away from her mum and raced into her father’s open arms but Emma still had a death grip on Harry and could be heard mumbling ‘thank you’ between sobs.
“Dad you remember?” [HOW… WHY… WHEN… WHY CAN’T YOU JUST MAKE SENSE FOR ONCE, FIC!?]
He had his arms around his daughter with the intention of never letting her go again, “The second I saw Harry it was like you removing that memory charm in Australia, it all came flooding back. Your phone was still on and we heard everything as they led you away, I was trying to comfort your mother and convince her we needed to leave when two strangers appeared in the house. The last thing I remember is calling out the password Harry gave us and we disappeared, but how did we get back to here? That was Christmas Eve 1998, this is what, September 1991?” [Okay, so the port key brought them back in time instead of Black Island, but they only ‘arrived’ here when they saw Harry again? I don’t understand how that works! I don’t understand WHY! They didn’t die. The whole ring thing didn’t involve them. THERE’S NO FUCKING REASON for them to have been brought back as well!]
“Yes dad and you have no idea how relieved Harry will be that you remember everything, he was terrified walking up the drive.”
“Why were you terrified of us Harry?” asked Emma, who still had a tight hold of him meaning there was no escape.
“Eh well you see it’s like this…” Harry decided just to blurt it out into the open, “Hermione and I are married!” [This will never stop being stupid. Just… Nope… Still stupid]
Laughter was not the response they expected but that died the second Emma recognised the diamond adorning her daughter’s finger, “Right you two, sit down and start talking.”
Because their memories were almost ‘current’ with their situation it was only the last twenty-four ours that they had to bring them up to date with. [Fuck this is so stupid. I almost forgot how fucking stupid this is]
When they finished Emma hugged them both, “Even death couldn’t separate you two, I always knew Harry was the one for you darling and, although you physically appear to be eleven I couldn’t be happier that you’re together. We’ve seen the alternative and intend to make sure it never happens like that again.” [Unnngh]
“First thing tomorrow we’re off down the travel agents, I think Australia beckons. Why the hell should you risk your lives for these bastards after the way they treated you both [Three chapters in and I’m running out of ways to explain to these idiot characters why defeating THE LORD OF ALL THINGS EVIL is a good idea], we know your real ages but please listen to us on this.” Dan pleaded.
“I think Australia is definitely in our future but we have a few things to do here first, knowing that Gringotts will destroy horcruxes, for a fee, [by shoving them into a pig… I… *sigh*] takes an incredible amount of pressure off. We also know where another two are, just sitting waiting on us picking them up, combined with the cup and the one in my head already gone we’re over half way there. The diary isn’t available to us until next summer [already explained why this is stupid too… come on, give me something new to bitch about, NITWIT…] and I really would like some help to get the ring as it has traps surrounding it.”
Harry was appealing to Dan who understandably wanted the four of them on the first plane out the country, “There are people who are important to us we can help, and in some cases save their lives. If we can destroy the horcruxes then that only leaves the snake, who knows if the prophecy is actually still valid since I’ve already killed him? [*rubs temples* Nooo… No… NO…. Just because you remember, it doesn’t mean time hasn’t reset for everyone else, you STUPID… STUPID… Even if this Harry already killed Voldemort once, the Voldemort he killed was not THIS Voldemort. THIS prophecy would apply to THIS Voldemort only, because the Voldemort whom Harry killed doesn’t exist in the same timeline this prophecy was created! For fuck’s sake… I can’t tell if this plot is getting more nonsensical or if I’m getting dumber for trying to follow it!] I will quit the country as soon as those goals are met as I have no intention of making Hermione the youngest widow in Britain. We will be ruthless and take no chances, at the first sign of not being able to handle something I’ll pay for first class tickets on the next available plane.”
[I just want to take a moment here and point out that, this section up there was where I went ‘fuck it’ and rage quit on this for… However long it took me to get this post out. I just… Can’t… Handle… It’s just too stupid. If you don’t understand that tampering with a timeline in the smallest of ways nullifies EVERYTHING your character would have lived the first time around then you shouldn’t be writing it into your story. It’s THAT simple. Just don’t touch that shit if you can’t handle it! God damn it! *sigh* Okay. Fine. I’m fine. Let’s just… Go on talking about how rich Harry is for the thousandth fucking time. =.=]
Dan looked at his new son-in-law as if he was joking.
“Trust me dad, Harry could buy the plane if he wanted. Mr Potter here conveniently forgot to mention that he’s one of the richest wizard’s in Britain.”
“I think you’ll find that’s ‘we’ Mrs Potter, you have as much access to our vaults and properties as I do.”
Hermione blushingly [No. This is not an acceptable adverb. You’re giving me My Immortal flashbacks now and you’re not funny enough to be My Immortal. Stop that shit] took out her new passport and bank card out the brand new bottomless bag they’d purchased in the alley, she also took out the document she’d been looking for, “We also hired ourselves a lawyer that the goblins recommended, he drew up these.”
Emma took one glance at them before giving the order, “Dan, get the car keys!”
When the doorbell rang Petunia wondered who it was, she quickly pulled a cover over her Dudders who was laying face-down on the sofa, his surgeon said the poor little trooper wouldn’t be able to sit for a few days yet. [I know this is bad when I start feeling sorry for the Dursleys just for being forced to appear in this =.=]
She opened the door to find an immaculately dressed couple standing there, “Mrs Petunia Dursley? Hi I’m Dr Emma Granger and this is my husband Dr Daniel Granger, can we come in?”
“Oh yes please, we thought that your clinic was a bit on the expensive side but we never realised that you made house calls, my little darling is right in here.”
Petunia led them straight into the lounge where the Dursley males were glued to the TV screen, she whipped the cover off Dudley. “We’ve been trying to make sure the wound remains clean but it’s not an easy job, I can’t tell you how pleased I am that you can change his bandages and…”
Petunia was interrupted by a hated voice, “Wow Dud, full moon tonight! Hermione love you might want to cover your eyes from this hideous sight, personally I think they cut off your best feature cousin, it was the only part of your body that could even remotely be considered cute.” [I’ve been pretty lenient, but now I’m going to address this shit because it’s starting to bug me and I KNOW it’s going to continue throughout all 26 chapters of this thing… When you’re addressing someone as ‘love’, you need to put a comma in between the person’s name and the word. “Hermione, love” is addressing her as such “Hermione love” sounds like an awkward attempt at innuendo =.=]
Vernon attempted to spring out of his chair at Harry, it actually took three attempts before he managed to become vertical, though that didn’t stop him yelling at the top of his voice. “Freak! What are you doing back here? Did they discover what a useless waste of space you really are and kick you out?”
Harry wandlessly pushed the astonished walrus [and there it is. I was waiting for the walrus remark. It’s somehow even less funny than I thought it’d be. =.=] back into his chair, “No uncle I was just missing my family so much I wanted to come home,” the sarcasm in his voice was as unmistakable as the power he now appeared to wield. “Dan would you have a look in the cupboard under the stairs?”
If he thought this was a strange request, Dan didn’t say but when he saw the panicked expressions on the Dudley’s [Where was the fucking proofreader during this? I don’t know if he means “the Dursleys” or just “Dudley”. Not that I fucking care at this point] faces he went and looked anyway. When he came back, his fists were clenched and his eyes were boring into Vernon although it was to Harry he spoke, “How long?”
“All my life actually, it was only last month they moved me into Dudley’s second bedroom, they were afraid the magic users would find out.” [No, they were trying to keep Hogwarts from contacting you. The magic users clearly already knew if your mail was being addressed to the fucking cupboard. And don’t give me the whole ‘Dumbledore knew and was hiding it’ shit because Fudge totally fucking knew in the books! God fucking damn it!]
Emma was getting nothing but barely controlled rage from her husband so she went to see what the fuss was about, seconds later she came charging back in and smacked Petunia on the jaw. “How could any mother treat a child like that? Far less one as wonderful as your nephew, Harry let’s get the police involved, I’m sure they would be arrested for child cruelty.” [If Molly Weasley had done this in the books I would have cheered, but here it just comes off as self-righteous Harry worship, so fuck you, Emma]
Harry shook his head, “That might still happen but I just want to be rid of them.” Hermione took some documents out her bag before removing her camera and heading towards the cupboard.
“Right, here’s the deal. Sign these papers and the Grangers will become my legal guardians, if you don’t object it will be fast tracked through the courts and you’ll never see or hear from me again. Fight it and I’ll tell everyone the way you treated me, including the pictures of my ‘bedroom’ Hermione’s now taking.” To let that sink in Harry shouted through to her, “Be sure to get some of Dudley’s bedroom for comparison love,” before returning his attention to his relatives, “anyway the choice is yours.”
Vernon snatched the paper out of Harry’s hands, “Just show me where I sign boy, we have no intention of fighting this, we never wanted you here in the first place but were denied a choice in the matter.” [The books explained that Petunia KNEW that accepting Harry in her house would protect him from Voldemort and that the ward would not work unless she took him in willingly. In fact, in Order of The Phoenix, when reminded of this fact, she immediately told Vernon that Harry needed to STAY. So yeah, the Dursleys were assholes, but they; or at least Petunia, SAVED HARRY’S LIFE by taking him in]
Petunia was still rubbing her face and afraid to say anything in case she got hit again, the man appeared ready to rip them all limb from limb, she very quickly and happily signed the form.
Dudley lay face down with both hands covering the site of his very recent surgical procedure, the thought of another tail had him whimpering in fear. As they didn’t know if this couple were magical or not, he just assumed the worst and kept very quiet.
The paper was signed before Hermione whipped her wand out and, to the absolute horror of the Dursleys, transfigured the coffee table into a live pig. “This is what I wanted to do with you but my Harry won’t let me, how he learned compassion and morals while living with you disgusting people is an unexplainable wonder. [PFFFTHAHAHAHA…I’m sorry, but there’s no way to convince me NITWIT Harry knows anything even remotely resembling morals when he spent half of every chapter so far talking about how he’d have no trouble pissing off and leaving thousands of innocent lives entirely at Voldemort’s mercy just because half a dozen people ‘wronged him’] Should we meet again nothing will stop me having my revenge on Harry’s behalf, it will be the slaughterhouse for you pigs rather than surgery you’ll be facing.” [This is Hermione, folks; bested by a shit wizard, but supposedly competent against muggles and eleven-year-olds!] With a casual flick of her wand the squealing stopped as the pig was once more a table, “Let’s get out of here before I do something they’ll regret.”
As the four left their house the Dursleys didn’t know whether to cheer, cringe or cry. If only they could believe they would never see the boy again the choice would be easy, as easy as deciding they definitely didn’t want to lay eyes on that girl again. Pigs would fly before they would contest Harry leaving for good but when your table can change into a porker then flying hogs was a distinct possibility. [Honestly, I know how they feel =.=]
Back in the car heading out of Little Whining Harry had a suggestion, “Pick a restaurant and Hermione will buy us all dinner.”
“Why Hermione?” her mother asked.
“Oh she just loves handing over her card and signing her name as Hermione Potter!” [This is fucking sad. Just… Fucking sad. Hermione Granger is… No more. There are only The Sues now]
It was a harassed Arthur Weasley who exited the fireplace at the Burrow, he started bemoaning his luck the second he left he floo, “What a day I’ve had, you’ve no idea the uproar your little spat in the station caused, I was getting dirty looks all day about the extra work you created but when word spread it was the-boy-who-lived, I’m lucky still to be in a job.” [Gee, wonder how that affects the whole of the timeline. As in, maybe he won’t be investigating the Malfoys next year. Like I fucking predicted he wouldn’t. So there’ll be no reason for Lucius to plant Riddle’s journal on Ginny at all… Or something… No, I’m not ever letting this go >.>]
He’d walked from the living room into the kitchen while talking and got a shock to see four of his sons sitting there instead of being at Hogwarts, Arthur had a very bad feeling about this. “What happened?” he asked, though dreading the answer. [I’m dreading this too. =.=]
What happened was five people all started trying to tell him their version of events at the same time, making the noise unbearable, even for the Weasley kitchen.
“QUIET!” He shouted before Arthur noticed the apple of his eye sitting quietly with tears running down her cheeks, “Ginny tell me what happened please?” his whole demeanour warned the rest of his tribe not to interrupt.
Her voice was soft and she seemed far away but Ginny’s words struck fear into her father’s heart, “He was just sitting there quietly eating his porridge when she went tearing after him like a bear, his wife protected him and between the two of them put these four on the floor. He then snapped his wand and threw it at my feet before both Potters walked out of Hogwarts, I’ll never get to go now dad or meet him, she’s ruined everything!” [You’re making me not like Ginny. YOU’RE MAKING ME NOT LIKE GINNY!!!! *breathes*]
Arthur turned pleadingly to his wife, “Please tell me you didn’t attack the-boy-who-lived in the middle of Hogwarts?”
“No I didn’t,” Arthur’s relief was short lived, “That little bitch of his cursed me before I could get my hands on him and give the little shit a piece of my mind…”
Arthur roared at his wife, “What bloody right have you to go anywhere near that boy? Have you any idea what you’ve done or just how serious this is? Our world has waited nearly ten years for Harry Potter to return, now, because of your actions, he’s snapped his wand and left Hogwarts.” The repercussions of this were making Arthur feel sick, “It’s probably just as well you lot got sent home because when I get fired tomorrow we wouldn’t have been able to afford Hogwarts anyway.” [You know, I can’t get over how this fic feels perfectly justified shitting on characters like Dumbledore and Molly Weasley, and Snape, acting like Harry is the only all-powerful fucking savior of the world when he wasn’t even alive when Voldemort first rose to power. Even in book canon, he didn’t have to live an ounce of what this previous generation has. Molly and Arthur Weasley survived shit Harry couldn’t even imagine in the books. In Goblet of Fire, that is pretty fucking clear when Harry and the others first see the Dark Mark. He has no understanding of what seeing that mark represents to the people who were there when Voldemort was still around. Here he’s all “Pfft, we can just shove Horcruxes in a pig, Dumbledore is such a fucking moron for never thinking of that and pretty much getting himself killed trying to destroy them”. Seriously, sir/ma’am… fuck you]
George corrected his father, “We didn’t get sent home, Ron got sorted into Slytherin and didn’t want to go there, Mum demanded they change it or we were all coming home.”
Fred filled in the rest of this expanding horror story, “McGonagall then took Percy’s badge for getting beat-up by a firstie and told us we were welcome to leave.”
His twin finished off the sorry tale, “We begged to stay but mum dragged us all home.”
The picture being painted here was not a pretty one, Arthur was very disappointed in his family so started with his youngest son, “You didn’t get the house you wanted so came crying home to mummy, is that it?” he then turned to his wife, “and you bloody encouraged him instead of telling him to suck it up and make the best of it, what kind of example does that set?” Finally his gaze turned to Percy, “You were a prefect, why were you fighting with a first year anyway?”
Arthur could see the storm coming but was unable to stop it, his wife would be portrayed as the wicked witch of the West Country and his family would be lucky if they didn’t have to move to a far away land where they’d never heard of the name Weasley.
Albus sat in his office, drinking cocoa and wondering how the last twenty-four hours had gotten away from him so disastrously. His eyes cast a glance at the silver instruments that had monitored Harry Potter for the last decade, the only reading he could get now was that the wards at Privet Drive had totally collapsed. On Mr Potter’s health or whereabouts there was nothing, it was as if the boy he cast them on didn’t exist. [Technically, he doesn’t. This timeline’s Harry’s been replaced, by a self-entitled fucktard]
Albus could only assume that his marriage had negated all his monitoring charms as the boy would now be considered an adult, this did not bode well for his plans. [What the fuck is the logic in this!? So any ‘head of house’ can give their loved one a family ring and regardless of their age they’re both automatically adults? Wow, pedos must fucking love this little loophole. Way-to-fucking-go NITWIT]
He would give the Potters and Minerva a couple of days to calm down before suggesting she make contact with them again, he didn’t want to become personally involved unless absolutely necessary, Minerva’s comment about them wishing to move to Australia struck fear into his heart.
If Harry Potter emigrated to the other side of the world he would be condemning Britain to Voldemort’s rule, that could not be allowed to happen. Having been raised and treated they way he was now worked against his plans, Harry’s current circumstances would also make telling him the prophesy at this time a disaster.
Not only would Harry have no reason to lay down his life [That’s not what the prophecy SAID! It says “either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives”. So while it said he would have to kill Voldemort (one would have to kill the other; more specifically) it never specified how, it never mentioned any fucking Horcruxes or the fact Harry was one. Having Harry ‘die’ to defeat Voldemort couldn’t be Dumbledore’s original plan! In fact, Dumbledore explicitly says he didn’t believe the prophecy would be the reason Harry would fight. Have you even read the fucking books, mate? Or are you just saying that everything everyone says in canon is a deliberate manipulation with the sole purpose of making Harry ‘sacrifice’? Because I honestly don’t know what’s worse], with his wealth [yes, he’s rich, WE KNOW] and a new wife, the boy would in all likelihood tell him he owed the magical world nothing, probably getting out of the country as quickly as possible.
What Albus needed was some way to connect Harry to the wizarding community, at the moment his only positive experience was meeting the young Longbottom boy. He could only hope the events of today didn’t become public knowledge before the couple could be enticed back to Hogwarts.
Albus had no idea that the next issue of the Prophet would blow the whole sorry scandal wide open, combined with letters from the Potters and McGonagall making their way to Amelia Bones would see him being asked questions he didn’t really want to answer. [Seriously, dude, you’ve twisted the whole “the ministry doesn’t interfere with Hogwarts” thing from the books waay too fucking far!]
Back in Crawley four tired people were discussing their next move, “I don’t think I can go to work every day as if nothing has changed, we’ve already lived the next seven years and I can’t do that again, not without slipping up badly.” [These people are literally going “fuck it, we don’t have to do any of this shit” and this author is still acting like he can use the original plot as an outline somehow when none of it could actually happen… WHAT IS LOGIC! Ehem, sorry. >.>]
“Emma there are no financial reasons for you to continue working, we can clear the mortgage on your home and provide anything you want. Would you like to roam the world searching for a nice bolt hole for us? No problem, it’s yours.” [Yes, Harry is rich. We know. THANK YOU]
“Harry you’re our son-in-law and we’re also going to be your guardians, can we give mum a try? Your offer sounds fantastic but if Dan and I sell our practice we will be financially quite comfortable, and apparently we no longer have to worry about Hermione’s future, I was really thinking more of a change of direction. Something like charity work appeals to me, nothing with a lot of ties in case it becomes necessary for us to leave at a moments notice.” [They’re doing charity, the fucking saints! I don’t care. I still hate every single one of these characters]
“I think you’re right sweetheart, I’ll contact our lawyer in the morning to inform him we’re interested in selling. The thought of living those years over the exact same way again does not appeal to me either, this time travel seriously messes with your head. I mean what’s the point of going to the football when you already know the result?” [it’s not football, it’s your fucking life! And ‘living everything exactly the same away again’ or ‘fucking changing my life completely’ are not the only two options available. Are you telling me the Grangers weren’t dentists because they like it, then? They just didn’t know any better? These characters’ decisions make no fucking sense]
“It also messes with your energy levels, I’m knackered!” Hermione reached out her hand for Harry, “Time for bed love.” [there won’t be one single time where there’s actually a comma before addressing someone as ‘love’ in this fic, will there? *groan*]
Harry’s focus shifted immediately to his wife’s parents but it was Emma who put his mind at rest, “Harry we trusted you with our girl when you were eighteen and she was nineteen, I think we can trust you now you’re both eleven.” [Oh, for fuck’s sake stop reminding me of how stupid this is]
“You made one very serious mistake though Harry, you gave my daughter a credit card, I don’t need a prophesy to predict a shopping trip in your future.” Dan was failing valiantly in his attempt not to laugh at the looks his daughter was now dispatching in his direction. [The last thing I want to do is sound SJW-y, but holy shit this fic goes out of its way to be sexist sometimes]
“My husband [stop that!] and I will be going shopping tomorrow as he only owns the clothes he’s currently standing in, it was my intention to buy some gifts for my fabulous parents but don’t worry mum, we’ll still get you something.” Hermione couldn’t hold her stern expression any longer as a smile kept breaking through. She hugged them both.
“Thanks for making this so easy for us, my husband [stooop thaaaat! Stop saying ‘my husband’ every two fucking sentences! He’s got a fucking name, everyone knows you’re married, you don’t have to point it out] was really dreading informing my parents he’d just married your eleven-year-old daughter. I’m so glad you have those memories and can help us plan for the future, or is it the past?” [Yes, it’s all so very convenient and not at all nonsensical, aren’t we just ecstatic? =.= Also, why would it be the past? In what logic would it be the past? Stop talking and just look pretty Hermione, it’s actually less embarrassing >.>]
Harry placed his arm around her, “Too tired to care love, let’s get some sleep as I have a feeling tomorrows going to be a long day.” [This has been a long day for me too, buddy. A long few days, actually >.>]
A/N Thanks for reading
Yay, I survived. I can’t believe it took so long to get through this, but I kind of snapped at the continuity/alternate timeline thing, it’s just… It’s so stupid I still can’t stand it. Holy shit. *sigh*
Anyway, I’ll try to not take so long on the next chapter. There’s still a lot of ground to cover on this thing. =.=