Playing Portal With Luckas

Quit now and cake will be served immediately.

“Wait, what are you doing? She said we can have cake!”

“Luckas, there’s no cake.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve played this game before, I’m pretty sure.”

“Fine, but if we miss the cake, I’ll be very pissed.”

The Enrichment Center is committed to the well-being of all participants.

Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test.


*sigh* “Do I tell him?”



The experiment is nearing its conclusion.

The Enrichment Center is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake.

“CAK-… Waitaminute.”


“I don’t like the sound of that. At all.”

“Welcome to the final test!”

“When you are done, you will drop the Device in the equipment recovery annex.”

“Enrichment Center regulations require both hands to be empty before any cake– [garbled]”

“Yes, finally! That cake better be worth it!”

“Uh… Lukey…”

“Congratulations! The test is now over.”

“All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin.”

“Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence.”

“Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity.”


“Wait, what? WHAT? That’s not cake, that’s a giant furnace…. YOU LIED… SHE LIED!!!”

“Yeah, she kinda does that. Don’t worry though we can get out of this…”

“Who lies about cake!?”

“Sshh… I know, I know. Calm down.”

“What are you doing? Stop it! I… I… We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you.”

“We are very, very happy for your success.”

“We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success.”

“Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides.”

“A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party.”

“Make no further attempt to leave the testing area.”

“Assume the party escort submission position or you will miss the party.”

“Fuck you, you… you… LIAR!”

“Lol, calm down, Luke.”


“Why didn’t you warn me this is a horror game?” >.>

“Horror game? Don’t be so dramatic, Luckas.”

“Someone died in this place… AND THEY NEVER GOT THEIR CAKE!”

“Yes, that’s tragic, but…”

“I don’t wanna die without cake!”


“Okay. The test is over now. You win. Go back to the recovery annex. For your cake.”

“It was a fun test and we’re all impressed at how much you won. The test is over. Come back.”

“Uh oh. Somebody cut the cake. I told them to wait for you, but they did it anyway. There is still some left, though, if you hurry back.”

“I… Am… Going… To… END YOU.”


“This is your fault. It didn’t have to be like this.”

“I’m not kidding now. Turn back or I will kill you.”

“I’m going to kill you, and all the cake is gone.”

“You don’t even care. Do you?”

“This is your last chance.”

“You’re one dead stupid robot!”


“Who are you?”

“What is that?”

“Oh, what’s that?”

“Ha, look at it, it’s kinda cute.”

“What’s that?”

“What is THAT?”

“Ooh, that thing has numbers on it!”

“Can we keep it?”

“Uh, no, Luckas… We’re supposed to, you know, incinerate it.”

“But… But… LOOK AT IT. It’s so cute.”

“Yeah, but we’ll die if we don’t.”

“Where are we going?”

“Oh, what’s in here?”

“Do you smell something burning?”

“Aaaaw… It’s SCREAMING! It feels pain! Aw, nooo…” *curls up into a ball*

“You’re too soft for this game. Just sit over there while I finish this.” =.=

– Some time later –

“Oh, hey, hey, Luke… Look!”


“Is that…?”



“Yup. There really was cake, I guess… Either that or we died and this is some weird afterlife. Either way, we finished it!”

“We didn’t die, there’s a sequel.”

“True. I guess we’re in a coma, though… Some time passes in between games.”

“Who cares? CAKE!”



Yeah, I was playing Portal this afternoon and I couldn’t help but imagine Luckas playing along and reacting to GLaDOS’ empty promises of cake. He… He takes cake very seriously.

And yes, the Curiosity Core is adorable and I always feel bad for burning it. >.>

Don’t get me started on the Companion Cube. T.T


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