Fuck my life. Fuck my life. Fuck my lif-…
I mean, uh… Hey, guys! Let’s do some more NITWIT! Hooray! >.>
Disclaimer: I write purely for fun and it’s free, anyone wishing professional standards of writing should go and buy a book. [I write for fun and for free and I still try to do my very best for my (one or two) readers, you arrogant wanker. Also, we did buy the books; they were fantastic]
Waking with Hermione in his arms had been the norm with Harry for the last six months, waking with an eleven-year-old Hermione Potter in his arms was totally different yet just as wonderful. [It’s still fucking disturbing. It will never not be fucking disturbing. Stop drawing attention to the fact these are two CHILDREN]
He watched as his wife’s large front teeth dug into her bottom lip, informing him that she was not only awake but deep in thought. He pulled her closer to him, “Ok love, spill it before you burst!”
Hermione could only smile at how well her husband knew her, “I was trying to figure out how my parents kept their memories and wondering if anyone else might.” [I’m too broken at this point to actually hope this will lead to some form of explanation]
He knew not to offer up some flippant answer when Hermione was in serious mode, “The sorting hat said the ‘powers that be’ wanted to help us, I don’t think they could have helped me anymore yesterday than your mum and dad remembering us being a couple. I had visions of sleeping in the dog kennel in the back garden.” [Short answer; the author pulled it out of their ass so deal with it]
Hermione was giggling, “You know we don’t have a dog, far less a kennel!”
“Your dad would have built one for the boy who dared to come near his daughter, bet the roof would have leaked as well.”
Images of her dad out in the garden, sawing planks of wood while muttering about ‘protecting his princess’ had her shaking with laughter, Harry was probably closer to the truth than he thought. [I don’t know what’s more pathetic; that Hermione’s father is a fucking ‘overprotective dad’ stereotype or that he’s this incompetent at it]
“I can’t think of anyone else who could really help us by retaining their memories.”
“What about Sirius?” she offered quietly, unprepared for Harry bursting into laughter.
“Can you imagine anyone giving that sort of knowledge to a marauder? It would lead to total chaos, ok our way might lead us there eventually but Sirius or Remus would see it as their duty to muck things up as much as possible just because they could.” [Sirius, maybe, but Lupin was always the responsible one; in canon at least. He’d be way more help than Mr and Mrs Granger]
Hermione had to agree with him, “The only other person I could think of would be Luna, since we already know Neville didn’t.” [Apparently, Luna and Neville are the only other characters actually worth something in this author’s eyes. Can’t wait to see more of them… *shudders*]
Harry was thoughtful for a minute, “Did you get a chance to talk with Luna about her time in Malfoy Manor when we were at Bill’s cottage?”
Hermione shook her head, “I was still recovering myself and you had just buried Dobby, not one of our better days.”
“I spoke to her a little and there was pain behind those lovely eyes [no one says that about a friend. Actually, no one talks like that; period], I don’t know if it was because her father betrayed us or her experiences at the manor. Knowing who we were dealing with, nothing would surprise me with those animals.” [Oh yes, Luna’s father committing the unforgivable sin of betraying this kid he’s met once to try and save his only daughter’s life would shame her to no end, I bet. And I hope you’re not implying what I think you’re implying by saying ‘nothing would surprise me with those animals’ because we’ve had enough rape in this fic]
Hermione had his ribs almost squealing in protest with how tight she was holding him, “If that was the case then I hope she doesn’t get her memories back, we’ll get to know her much sooner and I promise to be a better friend this time.” [I know I said writers should be free to decide when this sort of subject matter fits their story, but this person clearly doesn’t have the maturity to write it. Also… Leave. The Lovegoods. ALONE]
Harry kissed the tension away before answering, “We both will love.” [NO! And learn fucking punctuation, damn it]
Breakfast time in [at] the Grangers and the four fell easily into their well-established pattern, [I was going to suggest ending this sentence here, but then…] they had been doing it as a family for six months in Australia [this part really should be phrased differently. This fic is disturbing enough without anyone ‘doing it as a family’], the only difference here was that they now had a snowy owl perched on Harry’s shoulder and Hermione fed Hedwig all her bacon.
“Well I’ll see our lawyers first thing this morning; get them on to Harry’s guardianship and finding a buyer for our practice.” [You’re eating breakfast first thing this morning. If you’ve already done something else, then seeing the lawyers isn’t the first thing you’re doing. This is more of a criticism of how people use this saying in general than the fic itself, but whatever. This is my commentary series, I do whatever the fuck I want. :P]
Emma nodded in agreement, “While you’re in there I’ll check the travel agents across the street for brochures on Australia, perhaps you two could pick up some books while you’re out shopping?” she noticed Hermione had her head lowered so not to look at them, “Hermione love, that’s not a criticism of you, we really enjoyed our time there in the place you chose for us but we have other considerations to take into account this time. We’ll be a family and I would prefer somewhere that had a school for you both nearby, well at least closer than five hundred miles and preferably one we could at least see.” [this is completely pointless dialogue seeing as if they don’t stay in Hogwarts there is no point in this story… Well, less of a point.]
Hermione understood, “We’ll try to find information on Australian magical schools but the British ministry doesn’t seem too keen on supplying information about alternatives to Hogwarts. We may have better luck in Gringotts than Flourish and Blots. That will allow us to do our clothes shopping in London.” [Okay, look, I get that in the books it’s somewhat stated that Goblins are not 100% on board with wizards running things and stuff, and I don’t think it’s a completely terrible idea to have Harry turn to them in his paranoid delusion that the entirety of the magical world is against him save a chosen few… but Gringotts is a fucking bank. Stop treating it like it’s the Goblin consulate or some shit; it’s not. It’s a bank. Also, like it or not, Harry is himself a wizard, so if you’re going to have Goblins be the go-to ‘fuck the wizard rules’ characters… Why would they give a fuck about helping Harry? A good number of them allied with Voldemort in previous occasions because he promised them freedom from the Ministry. Harry has shit to offer, other than heaps of gold and I don’t think greed is a strong enough motivation seeing as Goblins are supposed to be fucking smarter than that. Even without taking all that into account… For what reason would Goblins give a fuck about Wizard schools anywhere? If you’re gonna make up shit, at least be logical about it]
The expression on his wife’s face was one Harry had only previously associated with libraries, he would quickly come to realise that Hermione adored shopping, not for her self per se but the chance to buy her husband nice things was better than a book. [Oh yes, Hermione’s greatest joy in life is spoiling her dipshit husband. What a female role model. I swear, I’m very anti-feminist when it comes to some shit they consider misogyny nowadays, but this fic… Fuuuck]
Breakfast at the Burrow was nothing like routine, their father’s rant at them last night was so surprising that it forced the family to sit back and take notice. The only conclusions they could draw from his words was that the Weasley family were in serious trouble. They had always known they were poor but they might now get the chance to discover what poor really meant. It wasn’t being unable to afford the latest broom or buy new books for school, they’d always had food on the table and clothes on their backs, if their father lost his job that might not be the case. [I think it’s hilariously tragic how this one paragraph manages to draw more sympathy for our supposed villains that the entire fic has done for Mr and Mrs Sue so far]
Molly was bustling about in her kitchen not really accomplishing anything, after the children had been sent to bed, Arthur had very carefully yet rather forcibly explained exactly how much trouble her actions had landed them in. While seriously worried her thoughts couldn’t help but keep returning to another matter. [And yes, I understand that we’re supposed to be mad at Molly for putting the Weasleys in this situation, but the truth is I was already hating The Sues so much by the time she tried to murder them that I was, honest to God, rooting for her like she’s a goddamn action hero]
Her pipe dream of Ginny marrying the-boy-who-lived and solving all their financial problems would appear to be just that. The lad was the spitting image of James and her Ginny could easily be mistaken for a younger Lily Potter, how could the boy be married to the bucked-toothed, bushy haired bitch when he was only eleven? It wasn’t the young age that bothered Molly, more the thought that she could have her Ginny in place and her hands all over the Potter money years sooner than originally planned. [No, okay. Just no. Stop playing it like everyone wants Harry’s money. His is not the last of the existing gold in the Wizarding world!]
She was rudely ejected from her muse by the highly unusual spectacle of her husband cursing up a storm, she approached and noticed the object of his venomous outburst was this morning’s Prophet.
“We’re in so much shit, it’s even worse than I thought!” [And stop making everyone curse, for fuck’s sake]
The first thing Molly noticed was a picture of the lad with that bitch,[end sentence here, start a new one. Do you even English, buddy?] before her blood got time to boil the headlines cured that affliction and left her requiring to sit.
Boy-Who-Lives-Snapped-Wand-And-Left! [Why-Is-This-Whole-Thing-Hyphenized? Is-This-A-Thing-People-Do? I-Don’t-Get-It!]
Harry Potter and his wife were attacked by a woman and her family of redheaded children [why continuously point out their hair color? Who the fuck does that? Especially in a news article] while eating breakfast in Hogwarts yesterday. The Hogwarts staff and the Headmaster stood by and left the young couple to defend themselves, only to then punish the Potters for doing so. This was the final straw which saw his broken wand laying on the castle floor, after the headmaster’s thinly veiled attempts at threatening him with having his wand snapped failed to keep them in Hogwarts.
Harry Potter exclusively revealed the reason behind this action to the Daily Prophet, these are his own words, unedited as was our agreement with the young man.
This was not the action of a petulant child [saying you’re not a petulant child doesn’t make it any less true], rather of someone who gave the British Magical community one last chance and it failed just as spectacularly as all my other dealings with it. It is now my intention to leave these shores for good, since the country holds nothing but bad memories for me. [this is the action of a self-entitled little shit who’s only been a member of the magical community for five fucking minutes and then decided it’s too good for it. And everyone immediately agrees because… He’s that one-year-old who didn’t actually do shit but somehow defeated the Lord of all evil who no one knows is still alive or believes will come back. Look, if John Lennon couldn’t get away with saying the Beatles were greater than Jesus, Harry Sue shouldn’t get away with blatantly pissing all over the British magical government like this either. The ministry practically launched a campaign against him in the books just out of fear people might believe him about Voldemort, I don’t see them just bending over and taking this shit]
To explain will require me revealing details I might wish to remain hidden but I really am past caring, the story begins in the evening of the first of November 1981.
From what I have since read, very few of your readers will remember this day as most were spending their time celebrating; meanwhile an orphan was left on a muggle doorstep with a letter pinned to his blanket. That orphan was me, is this the way adoption usually happens in the magical world? Strike one against! [Again; it was for his own fucking protection! The protection granted by Lily’s sacrifice required that he lived with Petunia because she shared his mother’s blood! This isn’t fucking hard!]
The muggles on whose doorstep I was left hated magic with a passion, thus my life was made hell. Living in a cupboard with barely enough food to keep me alive, not knowing my parents names far less my heritage [you’re called Harry Potter, not Dursley. You knew their fucking names. Petunia cared enough for Lily to pay for her funeral and keep the blanket Harry was wrapped in. She didn’t pretend they didn’t exist]. I have to this day yet to see a picture of them [how ’bout you fucking ask your mom and dad’s friends for one instead of bitching about it? Asshole. Not like you don’t know Hagrid has them]. No one ever checked up on me [not true, Ms. Figg was a witch and she was constantly checking up on you. Which you also know], I was just abandoned there, again I ask is this what normally happens in the magical world? I spent ten years of my life believing my parents were drunks who died in a car crash that gave me the scar on my forehead. For that alone I should leave the country, never to return. Strike two against!
When my girlfriend, now wife became eleven she received a visit from Professor McGonagall. The professor explained in great detail to Hermione and her nonmagical parents exactly what was involved with her being a witch and attending Hogwarts.
Hermione had already decided not to attend without me [Eleven. These characters, as far as everyone is concerned, are fucking eleven. At least try to pretend you know what eleven-year-olds can or cannot fucking do! It’s not an eleven-year-old’s decision whether they attend a school or not and ‘I’m not going without my eleven-year-old boyfriend’ is not what parents consider a fucking valid reason to let a kid have their way in a matter like this!] when she discovered her boyfriends name in a magical book, [end sentence, start a new one] it’s in quite a few of them apparently. The dates and scar all fitted so we both threw ourselves into learning as much as we could and waited to see if I would be contacted [end fucking sentence, fucking start a new one!], on my eleventh birthday I received a visit from Hagrid.
He was incensed that I had been told nothing of the magical world and was under the impression that he was delivering the son of his friends their Hogwarts letter [Hagrid only came because Harry wasn’t getting his usual letters and he was there on Dumbledore orders, you twat]. He’s a smashing big guy who I would consider a friend [‘would consider a friend’, wow, just wow… you can just feel the total lack of affection there] but he would be the first to admit he was ill equipped to inform a basic muggle born on the magical world and Hogwarts.
At Kings Cross I was accosted by a strange plump lady with red hair that just wouldn’t take no for an answer as she tried to drag me off somewhere [I would give him this, if I didn’t know for a damn fact he premeditated the whole thing], the station authorities dealt with her as I sped to board the train and find my Hermione. [fuck you]
The same woman attacked me next morning as I sat having breakfast and only my wife’s quick reactions saved me from her obvious rage [stop trying to make Hermione competent by having Harry say she is. After being subdued by Ron ‘the shit Wizard’ so many fucking times, it’s not gonna work]. Is it usual to have intruders walk right in to your school unopposed and attack students? Strike three against!
My wife and I then had to defend ourselves against four of her children while the staff watched on [reaction times are a thing, you know], only when we had them subdued did the staff act. A greasy-haired professor by the name of Snipe gave Hermione and me detentions in a childishly obvious attempt to keep us in the castle [No. You assaulted people. You fucking psychopath]. Backed-up by a Headmaster who was more interested in detaining us in the castle than seeing justice done, isn’t he the Supreme Mugwump in charge of the courts? Strike four and time to get out of there. [Good-fucking-riddance! Why are people even trying to make you stay? At least Tom Riddle bothered to put on the act of a decent human being when he was your age. You’re literally worse than Voldemort now, Harry]
The expression of undisguised glee on Snipe’s face as we left the castle worried me, I don’t know what the man teaches but I wouldn’t want my wife or me anywhere near the creep. [okay, Snape was seriously a giant creep. This is legit something I thought about Canon-Snape in the first couple of books. I want to, but I can’t stay mad at this comment] In the muggle world all teachers are vetted to ensure they’re suitable to be teaching children. Even just from first impressions I could never imagine him passing any serious examination of his personality, far less teaching methods. [omg, go live as a muggle then, you annoying piece of shite]
After the way the magical world had treated me we had decided to give it one last try, one day in Hogwarts was enough to let us see this was not for the Potters. [this little shit is literally saying, repeatedly, that he is too good for this world. This is any writer’s greatest fucking nightmare where it comes down to character likability] We had originally looked at moving abroad and that is now the route we will take, my wife and I came into the newspaper to tell our story before the rumours take over.
Through extensive research the Prophet can reveal that the family in question are the Weasleys and Snipe is none other than head of Slytherin, potions professor Severus Snape. [Did you seriously need extensive research for that? SERIOUSLY?]
Mr Potter wasn’t prepared to answer any questions but could understand that our readers would want to know how it was possible for him to be married at eleven, he then gave the Prophet the following explanation. [Fuck you. I don’t want to hear about this bs made up marriage law again]
Hermione has been my best friend for many years before becoming my girlfriend. [You’re eleven, Harry, did you start dating at eight years old? Yeah, that makes it less disturbing] On the train to Hogwarts I asked her to always be mine and she answered that she would as I placed a ring on her finger. The ring came from my vault and it turned out to be the Potter family ring. [ You know, I can see two kids jokingly getting married like this if such a law existed, but… The way they make it sound 100% absolutely serious makes this so cringe-worthy. For fucks sake, I know they’re not actually eleven, but everyone believes they are. And no one. NO ONE. Seems to think that, oh, eleven-year-olds aren’t fit to make these sorts of life decisions. Nope. Children can legally marry and that automatically emancipates them because MAGIC!] Combined with our feelings towards each other this resulted in us becoming married. As marriage was always going to be in our future together, this has just brought the happy event forward a few years. I just hope her father forgives me for not asking his permission first.
We here at the Prophet can’t help but think that any young witch returning home to inform her parents she was married to Harry Potter would be just cause for a massive party of epic proportions. [Hermione’s parents are muggles, why would they give a fuck who Harry Potter is?]
Having spoken to this lovely young couple we call on the ministry to investigate the bizarre and totally irregular occurrences in this young man’s life and answer the glaring questions that his interview has thrown up. [This interview has definitely thrown up something alright. >.>]
Why was the boy who saved us all, abandoned at night on a muggle doorstep? [For his own goddamn protection. The books explain this shit]
Why was he never checked-up on and left ignorant off our world? [No.He was definitely checked up on. Constantly. The ministry knew where he was and Dumbledore had people looking out for him. Again, the books explain this. And I feel that I have to make this clear, because this author set up this fic to be set in the same continuity as the books. The only alternate reality is whatever the Sues fuck up in their new timeline. Originally, their lives happened like the books (save for the ‘years later ending’ I guess, because someone’s def butthurt about that part. WOW)]
Are our children really safe at Hogwarts when people can just walk right in there and attack a student eating breakfast in the great hall? [Welp, no one was safe at Hogwarts in any of the books, so I guess not? But we all know that safety should never get in the way of adventure. >.>]
What part did Albus Dumbledore play in all this? Remember the final event that decided the Potters to leave our country happened right in front of him. [Yes, let’s forfeit all respect for Dumbledore and everyone who spent years of their lives actually fighting a fully powerful Voldemort in favor of a spiteful little eleven-year-old shit who’s literally done nothing to deserve it]
Our country has at most a few days to convince this wonderful young couple that Britain is, and can be their home, before the last members of an ancient and noble family leaves us for good. Is this really what James and Lilly Potter sacrificed their lives for, to see their son and his bride forced to leave the country they died saving? [I respect James and Lily enough to wholeheartedly believe they’d be profoundly ashamed of the self-entitled asshole Harry’s become. Furthermore, if he was my kid, I’d beat the shit out of him]
Arthur could see no way his family could stay in the country now, unfortunately he didn’t see any way for them to leave it either. Their only asset was the land their house was built on, he wasn’t naïve enough to think their house added anything to the value of the land, or that there would be buyers queuing up to take it off his hands. [The Weasleys are losing their home… Yay, justice. Doesn’t this just give you all feelings of satisfaction? =.=]
He rose to head of to work when the ministry owl flew in the window, carrying a letter that had him sitting back down. Arthur discovered he wasn’t sacked but ‘indefinitely suspended without pay while investigations are carried out.’ This was the ministry’s way of forcing you to hand in your notice as you sought work elsewhere to feed your family. [Yes! Take that you evil, evil, man! Now you can’t feed your family anymore! =.=]
It quickly became apparent that the ministry owl was the first of many headed in their direction, howler after howler arrived heading directly for Molly. Arthur managed to shepherd the children into the living room before having to answer the door.
He found Amelia Bones and two aurors standing there, “Morning Arthur, we’re here to speak to Molly since we received two complaints about her behaviour. That was before this mornings Daily Prophet hit the breakfast tables, I assume she’s at home?”
The scream of pain had them all rushing into the kitchen, Molly was surrounded by howlers that continually ‘went off’ but she was currently in agony as large yellow boils were growing on her face and hands. [I can just imagine the author’s manic laughter while writing this part]
“I started destroying them with my wand but one exploded and covered me in undiluted bubotuber pus. Get the children out of here in case there are any more like that.”
The two aurors began scanning the continual stream of letters before destroying them while Arthur tended to his wife, gauze covered with neutralising potion was applied to her face and wrapped around her hands. Percy herded the others back into the living room, it was beginning to dawn on them just how much their lives were about to change. [Yes, Hero-Fucking-Potter, destroying people’s lives since 1991]
Amelia was angry that someone could send something so dangerous by owl, supposing a child had opened that? Still, she had a job to do, [“Screw this act of attempted murder, I have a job to do!” – No decent person ever] “Molly Weasley I have received two complaints that demand I investigate your actions against Mr Harry Potter.”
“My actions? What about this on my face and then what he said about me? I’ll ‘strange plump lady’ the little shit if I ever get my hands on him.” [I don’t think I can muster a comment on just how stupid I think this line of dialogue is, let’s move on]
Arthur was left wondering if he had enough gauze left to stuff in his wife’s mouth.
Amelia kept her cool, “Could you please explain to me what happened on the first of September in Kings Cross Station.”
“Albus asked me to keep an eye out for him, so when I saw the lad looking lost I offered to help him onto the platform but he started screaming that I was trying to take him away. Muggles came from everywhere and jumped all over me and my family, Ron got his jaw broken and the muggles drilled holes in it and wired it up. Didn’t see that mentioned in the bloody Prophet but then Ron’s not the famous boy-who-married-at-eleven!” [Valid point. I mean, Ron’s gotten the shit beaten out of him twice at this point, but despite being an equally defenseless child, no one’s given the slightest fuck about it]
The slip about Albus would be chased up later but Amelia wanted to get to the meat of the complaint, “Mr Potter claims you neither introduced yourself nor would take no for an answer. He claims you grabbed him by the arm and started dragging him away…”
Molly interrupted, “I was leading him onto the bloody platform, I told him Ron was going to Hogwarts but he started shouting anyway.”
“Can I ask you how many times you’ve been to Kings Cross Station?”
Arthur could see the trap but his wife blundered on in anyway before he could say anything, “Dozens but I hardly see why that is significant.” [I don’t see it either]
“Oh I was just wondering how many more children you’ve helped through the barrier?” Amelia asked. [Right, because there’ve been kids alone and confused on the platform every single time Molly’s been there, without exception, she just never gave a shit. Your line of questioning is pathetic]
“That was my first and bloody last if this is the thanks I get.” [I can’t argue with that]
“So, let me see if I’ve got this right. In all the years you’ve been going to Kings Cross, Harry Potter is the first child you’ve tried to help through the barrier. That leads me to question why Harry?” [Because he was fucking alone with a goddamn owl in the middle of the station maybe?]
“I told you, Dumbledore asked me to keep an eye out for him.” [Okay, sure]
“Ah but why were you keeping an eye out for him? Surely if the Headmaster suspected a student of his might not be able to make their way through the barrier, he should have sent a member of staff to ensure they made the train. Not entrust the saviour of our world to a parent who arrived in the station ten minuets before the train left.” [Mhm, because not like Dumbledore knows this woman in any way at all. She didn’t attend Hogwarts or have children in the school for freaking ages, or anything like that. And why would he ever assume having a mom keep an eye on a child instead of sending a teacher would be better? Pfft… How dare he? *sigh* First of all, surely the staff have better things they need to do at this point, but also; suuuure… freaking Snape or Quirrell or whoever would be totally less threatening in this scenario than a woman traveling with her kids. Surely Hagrid wouldn’t draw all the attention in a train station full of muggles… What an oversight on Dumbledore’s part; he should’ve just sent him! ]
Molly could hardly say it was so Ron could befriend Harry Potter so she just had to bluster, “I don’t know, you’ll just have to ask Dumbledore.” [Alright. What interest would Dumbledore have in Harry befriending Ron?]
“Hogwarts is our next stop and you can be assured I’ll be asking him more than that. Now did you attack, or attempt to attack Harry Potter in Hogwarts?”
Molly had considered this carefully, “I was angry and wanted a word with the lad, I can see how it could be misconstrued as an attack.”
“I have two sources that tell me your hands were outstretched as if to throttle the child, had Mrs Potter not cast that spell it would appear the most likely outcome.” [You can’t prove that]
“I will admit I was going to grab hold of him, but only because he’d slipped away the day before.”
“So you were in Hogwarts about to grab hold of a child?”
Molly figured this was the best she was going to get, “Yes.”
Amelia paused for a moment, “Those actions in themselves could see you hit with a heavy fine if the boy presses charges. I shall carry out further investigations when I reach Hogwarts, your children could be construed as aiding their mother so I don’t think there will be any charges against them. I was considering placing you under house arrest, for your own safety I now believe I should. Do not leave the grounds of the Burrow or you will find yourself spending the night in entirely different accommodation. You will be hearing from us.” [I’m gonna place you under house arrest. For your protection. And if you don’t comply we’ll lock you up in the prison with the soul sucking demons. For your protection]
They left, leaving Arthur to deal with the steady flow of owls. A heavy fine on top of their troubles could break his family, he hoped the boy wouldn’t press charges. [Uuuugh. I hate this the most because either Harry will totally fuck them over, or he’ll make himself look like a hero by showing mercy to these people whose lives he ruined for reasons completely unknown to them]
The boy in question was currently pressed up against the bar, trying to protect Hermione as best he could. They had casually walked into the Leaky Cauldron, en route to the alley and been instantly mobbed. Unlike the situation in Devon though, there was no anger here, these people were pleading with the Potters not to leave Britain. [So glad they didn’t stick to that ‘let’s not draw attention to ourselves’ plan. I mean, that would have made more sense, but how many opportunities would it create to have literally the whole wizarding world sucking Harry’s dick like this? Pfft, plot consistency, what’s that?]
Tom fired off a noisemaker spell to restore order, “We all want this young couple to stay but harassing them in my bar isn’t going to help our case, stand back and give them some air.” [You know, I’m pretty sure all those celebrities who vowed to leave the US if Trump won expected exactly this. “Oh, please don’t leave, Lena Dunham! How would we live without that poor excuse to show your boobs you call a TV show!” *snort-giggle* I’m not a Trump supporter by any means, but… How can you not laugh at these people? But I digress. We’re talking shit-fiction and not shit reality here. >.>]
Harry remembered being uncomfortable the first time he entered here and was recognised but nothing had prepared him for this. [Seriously, bitch? What did you expect would happen?] Perhaps the alley wasn’t such a good idea today.
Four aurors exited the floo, “What’s the disturbance you reported Tom?” [I love how Aurors just pop up out of nowhere over every little fucking thing. Aren’t these guys, like, expertly trained to hunt down Dark Arts practitioners? Of course, in this fic’s universe that’s not as important as making sure Mr and Mrs Sue are happy and healthy. Because the powers-that-be want everyone’s lives to always revolve around Harry’s butthole]
“Young Mr and Mrs Potter here were getting mobbed by well-wishers; I managed to get them to take a few steps back though. Suffocating the couple they were.” [Oh, no, what a tragedy!]
The lead auror approached the Potters, “Sorry about this folks, it would appear your story in the Prophet has caused quite a stir. Perhaps you would allow us to escort you to wherever you’re going? We can then ensure this little scene isn’t repeated.” [Guys, don’t you have more important things to do? Seriously, guys.]
Hermione could see the clientele of the Leaky Cauldron hanging on every word so decided to leave them with something to think on. “That would be most considerate of you. We were heading to the bookstore and then Gringotts to try to find information about Australian magical schools.” [Oh, wow, Hermione… You’re a cunt. I hope you die in a goddamn fire. I mean that.]
There were groans in the pub and one woman even started crying as they made their way through to the alley entrance with an auror escort. [That’s honestly pathetic]
Hermione had her head on Harry’s shoulder as she whispered in his ear, “I wasn’t expecting this level of reaction, I wonder what it’s going to be like at Hogwarts when the papers are delivered.” [What reaction were you expecting? Seriously. You’re supposed to be smart, Hermione. Dumb washed up reality TV contestants can predict they’ll gather attention by going to the fucking media with something! If this wasn’t what you planned that WHAT THE FUCK was the point of doing it in the first place?]
“I think we can expect a visitor from Hogwarts sooner rather than later as they try to entice us back to Scotland.” Harry replied. [This is a game to you, ain’t it Harry? Fuck the lives of all these people who are completely ignorant of who and what you really are and have literally done nothing to deserve your contempt! Because you suffered some shit in chapter one so everything you do is completely justified! GAWD THIS IS SHIT!]
Okay, guys, sorry this took me so long to get out. I clearly have other things going on and sitting down with this fic actually takes a lot out of me. It’s not something I can go on to do after writing or doing work for several hours. I’ll try to get these out a bit more frequently from now on, though.
Thank you for your patience and I hope my pain is at least entertaining to you. lol