Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 01 (With Commentary)

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[WARNING: This fanfiction is R-Rated for violence and sexual conduct. And for once, it’s really not kidding. First chapter is pretty boring, though, so don’t worry about gouging out your eyes today. :P]

Hey, guys! I don’t know if I’m going to make this into a series or not, but… Heh. I decided I needed a palate cleanser in-between NITWIT posts or I would just grow increasingly angry and thus make increasingly shitty commentary. I’ve been asked to do this fic back when I was doing the My Immortal Vs. Christan Potter thing and I said I wasn’t gonna do it, but after what I’ve been through lately; why the fuck not.

Some information on this fic:

It was written between Goblet of Fire and Order of The Phoenix. It thus follows events from two other fan fic series which I have not read, but based on this one… I’m gonna go on a limb and say were pretty dumb. Nonetheless they are “Mists of Time” by Nightfall and “The Psychic Serpent Trilogy” by Barb Purdom.

I’ve never read too far into this the first times I tried because I was honestly bored with it, but… People keep telling me it’s the most disgusting Potter fic they’ve ever read. So don’t think my eye gouging comment up there was a joke. If I continue with this, you better heed every warning I give, and follow through at your own risk. A rule to follow in life is that if I call something disturbing on this blog, you better freaking listen for the sake of your sanity.

The author’s name is ‘Neil’. I’m sure he’s a… Fascinating individual… >.>

Let’s get on with this thing…

Chapter One

Memories of the Way We Were

Saturday, August 30, 2003

As Professor Hermione Granger located an empty compartment and was seated, her mind wandered back to her first ride on the Hogwart’s Express, twelve years prior. [Oh, if you haven’t noticed, this is a ‘post-Hogwarts era’ fic. JOY] Has it really only been twelve years? It seems like a lifetime ago, she thought to herself. It’s amazing how something as insignificant as searching for a lost toad can change you life forever.Hermione Granger’s life had indeed changed the day she opened that compartment door and met Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. Little did she suspect then that those two nervous eleven-year-old boys would end up as her best friends; nor could she ever have envisioned the adventures they would share together. [As emotional as you think this is, we all know what happened in the actual books, genius. How about you tell us your story?]

Hermione’s eyes filled with tears as she remembered what the boys had looked like, [unnedessary comma is unnecessary. I would know, I’m the queen of unnecessary commas] that first day on the train; Harry with his unruly black hair and broken glasses and Ron with his smudged nose and mouth full of chocolate frogs. [Yes, we all know the goddamn story, Neil! PLEASE MOVE ON]

It’s strange how one’s perception of events changes as time passes. Who would ever think that being chased by a mountain troll and nearly killed in a girls’ toilet could become fond memories. [I’m pretty sure in canon Hermione wouldn’t consider these particular memories fond ones, Neil] And who in their right mind would ever wish they could be trapped in Devil’s Snare again or be a living piece in a game of Wizard’s Chess? [No one, that’s who.] The memories of those seven years with Harry and Ron constantly crept into her mind. [And if Hermione thinks of near-death experiences first thing when fondly remembering her best friends, I’ve gotta tell you, maybe it’s for the best they’ve drifted apart. I mean, that sounds less like ‘children getting into dangerous antics’ and more like ‘children have some weird deathwish-inducing adrenaline addiction’] If only she could turn back time and experience again those wonderful years. If only she could be a child again and be with Harry and Ron, but sadly a time turner can only turn back time a few hours, a day at most, but it won’t allow one to relive her life [*coughs* Pensieves *coughs*] and correct the mistakes she’s made. [This also reads like some really eerie Cursed Child foreshadowing now lol] And most sadly, Hermione reflected, it can’t bring back people or restore friendships lost years ago.

Hermione Granger finished Hogwarts with the highest marks ever achieved by a student since the founding of the school over one thousand years ago. [*sigh* Hermione was incredibly smart, yes, but why do people have to exaggerate this so damn much all the time? Was she not smart enough for ya in the books? You have to say she’s THE MOST INTELLIGENT PERSON EVER]  She was believed by many in the wizard world to be the smartest witch alive. [Oh no, when did McGonagall die? >.>] Clever with books, but stupid when it comes to life choices, Hermione thought to herself. All these years and not so much as an owl from either one of them; how could I have been so stupid? [Well, I give some props to this Hermione… She knows she’s a Sue. Also, is Hermione one of those girls who can’t call guys first? They have to call her? It’s 2003, hun, take some initiative. >.>]

Professor Granger tried to bring herself back to reality by going over her lecture notes, but had little success. Thinking of teaching Transfiguration just reminded her of the circumstances surrounding her receiving the position. [Wait, is McGonagall actually dead in this? I don’t know if I’m sad or relieved. :/] It all started when the centaur, Firenze, had interpreted that Harry, Ron and she were the three proclaimed by the prophecy to be the Coven that could defeat the Dark Lord. [*sigh* This is where the other fics’ canons come into play, I assume. Fine. This was pre-Order of The Phoenix, I’ll try not to bitch about it too much]

Nearly one third of the wizard population in England had died due to the war. [Wow, this escalated quickly, huh?] It was declared, by the members of the Order of the Phoenix, that the Coven should immediately seek out Voldemort and destroy him, no matter what the cost. [Wait, I thought this was written before The Order Of The Phoenix?] Harry had fought for Ron and Hermione to stay behind, as he feared greatly for their safety. Hermione long suspected that Harry looked upon the final battle between Voldemort and himself as a personal one, and that he didn’t want to risk any others. [Voldemort murdered his parents and marked him as the one fated to destroy him. I’d… I’d call that personal. Yes]

The Order insisted that Voldemort could only be defeated by the combined efforts of the trio. It had been foreseen that Harry would die if he battled Voldemort alone, and with his death, any chance of defeating the Dark Lord would be lost. [I think Deathly Hallows missed that particular memo with the whole ‘Harry needs to die because Horcrux’ deal] Realizing that he couldn’t persuade the Order otherwise, Harry insisted that for their protection the families Ron and Hermione be moved into the castle at Hogwarts. As soon as they were safe, the members of the covenant were given gifts by the Order, gifts that would aid them in the coming battle. Harry had been given the sword, Excalibur [lol, what? Why not Gryffindor’s sword then? If you’re gonna give him one, at least stick to this universe’s mythology. Yeah, Merlin existed, but no one’s ever actually mentioned Excalibur]. Ron received the Staff of Merlin [*facepalm*], and Hermione carried the orb of Mab. [lol… Okay, at least the other two are actual things… What in the actual fuck is this supposed to be? Okay, okay, go on… Since this whole chapter’s going to be exposition, might as well have fun with it]

Dumbledore had referred to trio more than once as the Heart, the Mind and the Soul. Due to the obscure nature of the spells and charms that bound the three of them, some personal questions had needed to be asked. [Oh, joooy… I can’t wait to hear about those] Hermione was more than a little embarrassed when she was asked if Harry and her [if she and Harry…] had ever been together intimately. But on [upon] answering yes, she was told that in order for this quest to be successful, it was necessary for the Heart and Mind to have been joined. [This fic just turned Harry Potter into the stupidest D&D game ever. And for any D&D players out there… My apologies. I give major props to you, one RPer to another. >.>]

The embarrassment didn’t stop there though, as she had to face Ron after answering knowing that they hadn’t ever been Intimate. [Why do fan fiction writers love to shit on Ron so much? Fucks sake!] The fact that Ron already knew about Harry and Hermione’s relationship during the fifth year did little to lessen the redness that Hermione could feel on her face. [Everything I’ve heard about this fic makes it extremely hard for me to believe Hermione has any shame] Dumbledore never answered her questions about what would’ve happened if Harry and she [she and Harry… Ugh, keep trying, you’ll get it right one day, Neil] had not been together. She even muttered under her breath that they probably would’ve been required to perform the duty with witnesses. [Y’know, if you’re gonna write this crap plot, you might as well have made it go that way. I might have been yawning less right now. >.>] Nor did he answer when she asked what would’ve happened if Ron and her [she and Ron… *sigh* we’re gonna be doing this a lot, aren’t we? -.-] had been as intimate as she and Harry [omg, you DID IT! HALLE-fucking-LUJAH!] were. [Also, I’m starting to believe that in fan fiction land if Ron gets to fuck Hermione the Universe implodes from the wrath of a million Harrmione shippers]

Now thinking back on it, and with the aid of hindsight [Riight… Because looking back on it without the aid of hindsight would be fucking difficult seeing as those two things are practically the same. Fuck’s sake, learn the meaning of words before you slap them on your story, please], she was glad that Harry and her [she and Harry, Neil! GAWD! I thought we were over this!] had the intimate relationship when they did. It gave her very fond memories to look back on. [I feel this Hermione has some serious issues. I mean, the only things she mentions as fond memories are near-death and underage sex]

The defeat of Voldemort certainly wasn’t simple and without the gifts it would have been impossible. [Riiiight… I’m sure Voldemort would’ve been undefeatable without the orb of blah blah or whatever it’s called. lol] But defeat him they did. After his essence was banished into oblivion, they returned to Hogwarts. After three years, they knew the wizard world could rejoice. [This is more than a bit ambiguous. Are you saying Voldemort had been in power for 3 years or that it took them 3 years to kill him?] They were finally free of the constant dread of the Dark Lord. None of them could keep the smiles off their faces as they grew closer and closer to their school and families.

Those smiles were quickly replaced with frowns and then looks of fear and anguish. As they approached Hogwarts, instead of seeing a great celebration, they all witnessed truth of the war in stark reality. Smoke was rising from the ruble that had once been the location of the Great Hall. Voldemort had ordered a Death Eater attack on Hogwarts before he’d been destroyed. [Okay, are you psychic or are you lying when you said this is before The Order of The Phoenix?] The Headmaster [Dumbledore dies here, so I’m gonna say it was a coincidence that you made an eerily similar battle in the Great Hall, but.. I’m watching you] and two of the professors had lost their lives in the attack, along with twenty-one students. Six other people had also been killed. Both Hermione’s and Ron’s parents had been killed along with two of Ron’s sisters [Wait, what? Ron only has one sister and I know for a fact she’s still alive in this thing. What in the actual fuck?]. Harry, of course, blamed himself for having suggested they take refuge in the castle. [enter Emo Harry]

A service was held and the hillside beyond the Quidditch field was turned into a memorial cemetery to honor those who had lost their lives. Harry didn’t attend. [he was too busy being emo] When Hermione returned to her room she found a simple note on her bed.

When someone destroys what is most precious to the ones he loves, that someone no longer deserves their love or friendship. [this is a horrible way to start a letter. Besides, that’s not for you to decide, dipshit] I can never give you back what I have caused to be taken from you and I cannot bear to look at your faces and know that I am responsible for the grief displayed upon them. I will love you both always. I know the love you have for each other will see you through this time of grief and that together you will in time find happiness. All my love forever. [“I love you and that’s why I can’t stand to actually be there for you in your moment of grief like an actual friend would. It’s too painful for me and I’m too much of a pussy to actually suck it up for your benefit. So Goodbye forever. Have a nice life.” OUR HERO, ladies and gents!]

It was signed Harry. Hermione ran as fast as she could to his room, but to her despair she found he was already gone. [AN: BE EMOTIONAL NOW]

Hermione lowered her head to her cupped hands. Tears came to her eyes. She missed her friends, and remembering such times did little to help the feeling of separation she felt from them. [Surprisingly, thinking about all the times they nearly died, fucked, and that time Harry utterly abandoned her and Ron to mourn their dead family, doesn’t make Hermione feel better. Huh] Suddenly, she was shocked back to the present with a loud rapping on the glass of the compartment door. [Wait, wait, wait… She started looking back on Voldemort’s defeat by thinking of how she got into the position of Transfiguration professor… Uhm… How did that lead to you getting the job, Hermione? What’s it got to do with anything!? What is even the point of all this fucking exposition!?]

The lovely red haired girl on the other side of the window said, “Can I join you?” [It’s the ghost of Ginny! Because, she’s clearly dead, being Ron’s only sister and all. >.>]

Hermione looked up in surprise, quickly wiping the tears from her eyes. “Ginny, I can’t believe it’s you. [I thought you were dead!] Come in. Come in.” As soon as Ginny had closed the door, Hermione put her arms around her and had held her in a tight embrace.

Ginny returned the embrace and they both stood like this for a few moments before the silence was broken by Ginny saying, “Hermione, are you all right? I thought I saw you crying.” [“Oh, well, you know… As most human beings, that’s absolutely the only way I can express any form of sadness, so… Get used to it.”]

“I was. Every time I think of …” [Case in point]

As if knowing exactly what Hermione was about to say, Ginny interrupted her, “I know. I know. It was so hard to lose so much you love and cherish in one day. I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over it.” 

As if trying to change the subject, Hermione quickly suggested, “Sit down Ginny. It’s so good to see you again. What are you doing on the train? [going to Hogwarts? It’s the Hogwarts Express. That means it only stops… At Hogwarts… *sigh* Hermione; smartest witch alive, can’t connect two fucking dots] Are you going to visit friends in Hogsmeade? Why didn’t you fly or Apparate?”

“Actually, Professor, I’m traveling to the same place you are. You’re looking at the new Muggle Studies professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I assume we both took the train for the same reason: fond memories.” [Muggle studies? And I thought Ginny canonically becoming a Quidditch player was kinda dumb… I’ll shut up about that forever now]

Hermione tried to hide the shocked expression she was sure covered her face, “You are going to teach Muggle Studies? Ginny, don’t detest me for saying this, but what do you know about the Muggle World?” [Don’t ‘detest me’? Humans do not sound like that, Neil]

“First, Hermione, I could never hate you and second, I’ve become rather knowledgeable about Muggles. You know that my father always had such a love for Muggle inventions. Well, after I left Hogwarts, I really didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I decided to learn all I could about the Muggle world and figured the best way to do it was to actually live in their world.” A look of pride washed over her friend’s face, “You, Professor Granger, are looking at a graduate of New York University.” [PFTHAHAHA… Oh brother… And surely New York University would take this random British chick who has no identification or high school diploma. Even Steven Universe knows better logic than this, and that’s a show were people don’t seem to bat an eye to the FREAKING ALIENS living in their backyard]

[When a kids show about lesbian alien rocks is more grounded in reality than you; time to go home]

Hermione couldn’t avoid showing a combination of pride and envy. She had planned on going to a Muggle University herself after completing Hogwarts. Her parents had always dreamed of her becoming a doctor and in memory of them she had wanted to fulfill that dream. [I would never let Hermione perform open heart surgery on me. She’s the smartest witch alive, maybe, but this is another thing entirely] However, when Professor McGonagall asked her to take over as Transfiguration Professor, she had found it impossible to turn her down. [So… McGonagall just asked you yo take the job, Hermione? How does that start with Firenze and all the coven crap? The only point of that story was telling the reader you fucked Harry, right? Shame on you and your narrative skills, Neil. *shakes head*] Not only was it an extreme honor to be offered such a position directly out of school, but also she had such respect for Minerva that it was impossible to say no, especially after her former teacher had almost died saving the lives of two students during the devastation.

“Congratulations, Ginny. I’m so proud of you, but then you did finish first in your class, so I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s certainly going to be nice to have another woman on the staff. I’ve felt extremely out numbered these last few years and now with Minerva retiring.” [*snort* What? Uhm… Madames Hooch, Pomfrey, Pince… Profs Trelawney, Sprout, Sinistra, Vector… Did they all fucking DIE?]

Ginny interrupted, “Knowing that I’d be teaching along side you is one of the reasons I decided to take the job when it was offered by Professor Snape. [Ugh, Snape is alive in this… I’m so unhappy about that right now…] Hermione, we were such good friends and then…well when Harry broke up with you and well… I know he dated Katie for awhile, but -” [Katie? Katie Bell? Uhm… You know what? I ship it. Anything that isn’t as overplayed as Harrmione goes at this point. Yes, even Luna, Doom! I don’t care anymore! *sigh* Carry on, fic]

“Ginny, it’s all right. I know what you’re trying to say. Harry and I, well I guess it must have been all hormones. [This fic is brought to you by… Hormones!] We were just so comfortable with each other and I guess I just convinced myself I was in love with him. Harry, on the other hand, should have broken up with me much sooner. [because you thought you were in love, but he clearly knew he wasn’t all along… Is that what you’re saying?] Not once did he tell me he loved me [you can say it first, ya know], probably because he never did really [you don’t really know that]. Ginny, I don’t blame you for our breakup. And yes, there is nothing more I’d rather see happen than us become good friends again. It’s been so lonely with out Harry and…” Hermione hesitated before saying, “Ron.” [do we need a lightning crash to emphasize the sheer dread of speaking Ron’s name?]

Ginny noticed the hesitation in Hermione’s voice before she had uttered Ron’s name.

“Hermione, no one blames you. Ron was a total arse [using  ‘arse’ or ‘shite’ doesn’t automatically make your character sound more British] and the whole world knows it. He just let the whole bloody Quidditch thing go to his head. Maybe if he had never made the team, things would have been different between you two.” [Okay, I see a shitload more exposition coming… Aaaargh…]

Hermione shook her head, “I don’t really know. There were so many ifs when it came to Ron and me. What if I had dated him first? [Harry’s hormones were too strong to resist, I guess… >.>] What if he hadn’t been bitten by Remus and turned into a werewolf? […ha… Ha… *snort*… PFTAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… RON IS A WEREWOLF!] What if we had ignored the dangers and made love? [Uhm… Is lycanthropy an STD now? That’s fucked up] What if he hadn’t made a professional team? Ginny, I just don’t know, but once he started getting that press and the girls started following him, we had no chance.” [Okay, so Ron’s not a rapist in this; that’s a plus. On the other hand… Diseased, womanizing, piece of shit… arse. Eh. Okay. I can live with that I guess]

“I was disgusted to have him as my brother. What did the headline in the Daily Prophet read? ‘WEASLEY SCORES 85 IN A ROW!’? Then the text went on to quote Ron as having said he wouldn’t be satisfied until he scored at least two hundred. I was totally confused. Keepers don’t score points. Then when I saw the pictures of all the girls, I realized they weren’t talking about Quaffles through a hoop it was about how many different women he had shagged in a row.” [PFTHAHAHAHA… Oh, God… Okay, uhm… 85 ‘shags’ in a row alone would kill a person. I’m dead serious. It’s impossible for a normal human heart to be able to handle that level of physical exertion. 200 is fucking ludicrous]

“Another Quaffle through a different hoop, perhaps?” Hermione said, the sarcasm edging her voice. [that was horrible and you should be ashamed. If shame was possible in this fic] “The money, the fame–we know which head that all went to. He definitely got the publicity he’d always envied of Harry. [ugh, everyone plays on this ‘Ron was jealous of Harry’ thing like it’s an excuse to make him a shit friend. Look, I’m the youngest of five kids, not a lot of money, you don’t get the attention or the things you want as a kid and you envy other kids who do get those things… I get what that’s like, alright? It doesn’t make you into a fucking piece of shit human and doesn’t excuse making this character into a piece of shit] He never apologized; do you realize that? Never an “I’m sorry, Hermione”. He just walked out of my life without so much as a goodbye. Harry, at least, left a note.” [Don’t say Harry skipping your parents’ funeral and ditching you without even saying anything to your face can be redeemable just because he left a note, Hermione. That’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t think I’d forgive someone who did that to me]

Ginny moved to the other side of the compartment next to her and embraced her tightly, not at all fooled by the amusement Hermione had attempted to convey. “Well, at least the devil got his due.” [took long enough for someone to call Ron the devil lol]

“Ginny, even Ron didn’t deserve that. As much as he hurt me as a girlfriend, I can’t hate him. He was a wonderful friend for seven years. If he came to me today and just apologized, I’d lean over backwards to get that friendship back. [Uhm…] Oh! Don’t get me wrong,” Hermione exclaimed, noticing the odd look on Ginny’s face. “I would never, ever think of him romantically again, but I miss the closeness we had. We three had a special bond.” [Stereotypical ‘girl with two friends ends up getting involved with both’… As someone who had a lot of guy friends growing up, this trope annoyed the shit out of me. If you grow up seeing someone as a brother/sister, you don’t end up fucking them when hormones kick in. That’s why most well-adjusted humans don’t fuck their actual siblings. Hormones don’t work that way!]

“I guess he would have made it to two hundred if it hadn’t been for that championship game that lasted four days. He had to know what would happen when moonrise came, but he was stubborn and kept playing.” [Oh joy, did Ron eat someone?]

“Were you at that game, Ginny?” Hermione questioned.

“Yes, I didn’t really want to go, but Fred and George insisted. ‘He’s your brother’, they said. It’s the championship game. The tickets are free. So we went, and on the fourth day the sun set and Ron turned into a werewolf. I’ll never forget the look on that poor chaser’s face when Ron went after her. Sometimes I have nightmares about it and wake up hearing her screams. It took ten Aurors to get him off of her. Till this day I don’t know how they avoided being bitten, too. But by the time the Aurors had subdued him it was too late. His bite had nearly severed the born girl’s leg and she had gone into shock.” [Oookay, we know, because we read Prisoner of Azkaban, that Ron knows about Wolfsbane potions and, you know, could he not find a way to get that if he knew the full moon was coming up? I mean I know not a lot of people can pull it off (Lupin needed Snape to do it for him), but out of many goddamn talented wizards in Ron’s life, SOMEONE should be able to do that. Or had he fucked everything that moved to the point where his friends would endanger everyone around him just because fuck that guy]

“Did anyone from the family ever try to talk to her?” Hermione questioned. [Why would they do that? Leave the girl alone]

“I tried to, but she wanted nothing to do with anyone who bore the name Weasley. I couldn’t blame her. She’s a beautiful girl. I imagine up till then she had to fight the boys off. Just eighteen years old. She had the most beautiful long blonde hair and her figure, well she’d even give you competition.” [Seriously, Ginny? “yeah, that girl my werewolf brother maimed and almost killed… she was totally hot. Almost as hot as you” *wink wink* ROFL that’s so horribly awkward. lol]

The fact that Ginny paid her such a nice complement in the middle of such a serious conversation caught Hermione quite off guard and she turned a bright red. “Now her life will never be the same” [It’s really amusing to me how the focus of the narrative in this bit is on how Ginny thinks Hermione is hot, but the dialogue completely ignores it. It’s like one part of this author’s brain is trying to stick to the script and the other part is like *fap fap fap fap*… Hahaha]

“No, the court, besides sending Ron to Azkaban for four years, liquidated all his assets and gave them to her, but her life is ruined. What good is money when the world shuns you? Most werewolves at least have the benefit of being able to hide what they are from the public. This poor girl had her face spread all over the wizard press. She can’t walk down the street without someone recognizing her.” [That’s very sad, but we don’t need to know all of this. AT ALL.]

“Ginny, isn’t Ron’s time up soon?” [Exposition… Exposition… *yawn*]

“Yes,” she nodded, “he’s scheduled to be released next Wednesday”. [Couldn’t you just introduce Ron later and then bring up all of this? Noooo, you have make an entire chapter or pointless exposition… Ugh]

“Oh! Have you talked to him? What are his plans?”

“I haven’t talked to him, but George and Fred have. He’s changed a lot. Not the same Ron we knew. Fred and George have offered him a job managing their store in Hogsmeade until he gets on his feet.” [So he’s not going to be teaching at Hogwarts… Probably the only character that didn’t end up doing that somehow; as we’ll see]

Hermione’s face turned as white as the blouse she was wearing. “He’s going to be here? Here in Hogsmeade?” [Okay, comparisons like this work when the reader immediately knows what the thing you’re comparing to is. If you have to tell us Hermione’s blouse is white then you shouldn’t compare her face to it as opposed to something EVERYONE immediately acknowledges as white… Snow, milk, a ghost, Hedwig’s freaking feathers… Anything would do]


From the look on Hermione’s face, it was Ginny’s turn to change the topic of discussion. “So what do you think Severus Snape will be like as a Headmaster?” [Why does Snape have to be a part of this? WHY?]

“Oh! Ginny, I don’t know what to say? Sometimes it’s almost as if he’s developed multiple personalities. I feel so sorry for him. First he loses Lily to Harry’s father. [Okay, no, I’m sorry… Before Order of The Phoenix, MY ASS. You’ve read past that or you wouldn’t know about Snape and Lily. You’re a LIAR, Neil, and you’re so busted right now!] Then after all those lonely years, he falls in love with your sister just to lose her so tragically. [WUT] You were there that first year after her death. What was he like in class?” [WTF WUT]

“He certainly wasn’t the Professor Snape that taught you. It was like he was there, but just going through the motions. He seemed like he didn’t care anymore. Oh yes, he taught the class, but he was completely calm and quiet. It was like he was some sort of zombie from an American horror picture. He didn’t yell. I don’t even recall him taking house away points the entire year.” [Right, because you’ll recall that was Snape’s entire character in the books]

“Well, now he’s a different person every day,” responded Hermione. “You never know what to expect from him. One day he can be so pleasant and very personable. The next day he’s mean and miserable. Day after that he looks so sad and lonely that you feel like you have to take him in your arms and hug him as tight as you can.” [I just had toast and milk, don’t make me vomit, fic]

“Hey! Hold on, girl. [rofl… I’m sorry, the mental image of Ginny speaking this line is just… lol] Sounds to me like someone has developed a little crush on old Snapie.” Ginny wiggled her eyebrows at Hermione. [Oh, God… Barf bags… I NEED BARF BAGS STAT!]

“No, it’s not like that Ginny,” Hermione blushed brightly. “He is an attractive man and honestly, we have taken in a few shows together [‘taken in a few shows’? What does that even mean?], but purely as colleagues. It was totally platonic. I could never picture myself in a relationship with Severus.” [The man is old enough to be your fucking father, not to mention he was an utter ass to you as a teacher; arguably worse than he was to Harry…  I’d expect; or at least hope, you wouldn’t!]

“Well, I sure could. When he was dating my sister he really took care of himself. His hair was clean and styled, not oily. He dressed differently; he was drop dead bloody gorgeous. There were many a night when I fell asleep thinking about him…” [WHYYYY… No. Why… AND SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING SISTER! Also, you made Snape into some… Some… PREP! >.>]

“Virginia Weasley! I can’t believe my ears.” [And who the fuck is that? That’s not Ginny’s name. And if you don’t know a character’s full name, don’t try to fucking use it. Also, my sister in law is called Virginia and I really resent her name being brought into this thing. =.= (Ginny’s full name is Ginevra btw, for those of you who don’t know)]

“Believe them. Ginny Weasley isn’t that timid shy little girl anymore.” Once again she changed the subject. “So, do you do the same Animagus trick to start your first year class that McGonagall did? I nearly peed my pants the first day when that cat jump off the desk and transformed into McGonagall.” [Hermione is an Animagus in this. Of course. because if something is supposed to be rare and difficult, EVERYONE in the fic has to be able to do it. I shouldn’t be so surprised. Carry on, fic. =.=]

Hermione blinked once and shook herself slightly, attempting to adjust to Ginny’s frankness before answering the other woman’s question. “I tried that my second year, but it didn’t work out quite as successfully for me as it did for Minerva. The first years were too frightened to enter the classroom. It seems a wolf lying on the professor’s desk is a bit more intimidating than a cat. [How dare you bring wolves into this, Neil? Now we can’t be friends. =.=] Oh, I nearly forgot. What years will you be instructing in Muggle Studies?”

“First through seventh.” [Yeah, I don’t see any circumstance where Muggle Studies becomes a mandatory class that needs to be taught to all years]

“Goodness, Ginny, are there enough hours in the day?” [says the character who literally bent time in order to study harder at age 13. Of course, Hermione’s priorities drastically changed when the ‘hormones’ kicked in]

“Oh,” Ginny smiled. “This isn’t your normal two or three times a week class. Since there is more and more interaction between the wizard and Muggle worlds, the Board of Governors wanted all years to at least get an introduction to Muggle Studies. They realized it would be difficult to squeeze it into the students’ already tight timetables, so the class will only meet once a week with two houses attending at a time. Actually, I’ll only have fourteen lessons a week. Professor Snape has even worked out the schedule so that I have no classes after noon on Thursday.” [That still amounts to a lot more hours than a regular teacher would have if my math is correct. It might not be; I hate math and it’s two in the fucking morning]

“Now I’m envious. Want to trade? My schedule is so full what with Animagus training and all that. [Wait, is she training to be an Animagus; which she already is, or is she training other to become Animagi, which… I don’t believe should be a thing] I have no idea when I’m going to prepare lessons and grade tests, let alone sleep.”

“Hermione, if you’re anything like you were in school, you’ll make time. I assume there have been some changes since I left. Who else is on the teaching staff this year besides us?” [Yes, who else is going to get dragged into this trainwreck of a fic?]

“Well, of course, you know Charlie is returning to teach Care of Magical Creatures and unfortunately Trelawney will be roosting in her tower again.” Hermione suddenly had a disgusted look on her face. [Charlie? As in Ron and Ginny’s brother, Charlie? You really couldn’t think of someone else to bring in for this? If I was gonna pick one of the gang for Care of Magical Creatures, it’d definitely be Luna, but then… I’m hoping not to see her here at all]

“You don’t like Trelawney, do you?” Ginny had a questioning look on her face. [She asked a question, you don’t need to drive that point home with body language, use it for something better… Like conveying emot-… Oh, who am I kidding…]

“It’s not that I don’t like her, it’s just that she’s so… fake. [You clearly don’t like her, Hermione. Your 13-year-old canon self wasn’t afraid to show it. Don’t be a pussy] And I hate that she goes as far as predicting student’s deaths. She did it to Harry year after year and now she’s doing it to Jamie. It really bothers the poor girl and she’s such a good student.” [Jamie? Omg do we have a homemade Sue on our hands?]

“First name. Sounds a little like she’s the teacher’s pet.” [Oh my Suedar is definitely going off now]

“No, not at all, she is just a very special girl.. [as someone who’s been a teacher’s favorite… I call bullshit on you] Jamie’s at the top of all her classes and like Harry, was made seeker of her Quidditch team in first year. The girl is absolutely beautiful, but doesn’t have a conceited or mean bone in her body. [you should not be paying that much attention to this teenager’s looks, Hermione. Also refrain from telling anyone anything about her body. Thank you] You’ll love her, believe me.” [I don’t believe you]

“Sounds to me like she the product of mixing Harry and Hermione genes.” Ginny laughed. “Have you not been telling us something?” [I definitely won’t be liking Jamie]

Hermione blushed because she often wished she could have a daughter, a daughter exactly like Jamie. [I already don’t like this girl enough as it is, fic… Stop making it so much worse] Unfortunately the father she wanted for her child wasn’t in love with her. In fact, he was no longer even a part of her life. [Wonder who the fuck that is]

“Well unless you’re suggesting that Harry and I conceived a baby when we were both nine years old– I’m afraid that’s out of the question. [I’ve seen stranger things in fan fiction so I wouldn’t call it inconceivable. Bad fic authors always find a way] Actually, I’ve met Jamie’s parents. They are very nice people and have another daughter named Emily who will be starting Hogwarts next year. Let’s see, where was I? Madam Hooch will be back for flight instruction and Professor Longbottom [Aaaw, Neville! No!]] will be once again teaching Herbology. Professor Monroe quit as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, so I guess we’re back to one-year guest appearances again. I haven’t heard who the lucky victim is this year. As long as it’s not another Gilderoy Lockhart we’ll be okay.” [Wonder who the fuck that’ll be]

“Hermione!” Ginny was practically shouting. “Professor Longbottom. Is that Longbottom, as in Neville Longbottom?” [Nooo… Neville!]

“The very same.” Hermione said. After Professor Sprout was killed there was some difficulty in filling that position, but Neville started last year and really took to it.” [I can see him teaching Herbology, but… I’m not going to like this, am I?]

“Is Neville still as good looking as he was your last year?” Ginny had a devilish look in her eyes. [Yep, Ginny’s skank senses are tingling…]

“No. Actually I think he has gotten even better looking.” Hermione couldn’t help but snicker. [This is Movieverse Neville then, I mean… *cough* Yeah. >.>]

“And you haven’t gone after–” Ginny was interrupted [why are you so interested in who Hermione bangs, Ginny? First Snape (ugh) now Neville… Geee… Just ask her to make you a list and spare us all the pointlessness, please]

“No, Ginny, Neville and I are close friends, but no more,” came Hermione’s firm response.

“Which sounds better, Hermione? Virginia Snape or Virginia Longbottom?” [I’m sort of glad he doesn’t get Ginny’s name right. I can just pretend this is an entirely different character]

“I’m not sure. How about Virginia Malfoy?” Hermione teasingly responded. “Draco is taking over as Potions Master now that Severus has become headmaster.” [Draco? Since when are you all buddies with Draco? He called you a mudblood, Hermione. You punched him in the face! Seriously at least try to remember the actual books a little bit]

Ginny Weasley’s face flushed as she sputtered, “Draco– Draco Malfoy is teaching potions?” [Ugh, I really don’t like where this is going]

[AN:] The action gets turned on in chapter two [‘turned on’? I really don’t like where this is going]. I hope you will join me for what promises to be a very reveling chapter [do you mean ‘reveling’ or ‘revealing’? Either way, I don’t like where this is going]. I’d like to thank Sarah for suggesting I give writing a try [o.o Wifey, how could you? *clutches chest*] and both Sarah and Andrew for beta reading this chapter. Thanks also to Ryan for britpicking. Please be a good reader and review. [I’m a fantastic reader, Neil. You should probably try being a better writer, though. Oh, hey, consider that my review for this chapter; be a better goddamn writer]

So there we go, guys… Hogwarts Exposed. Are you happy, now, Aussie? I did the freaking thing! >.<

*sigh* What can I say? I feel rather dreadful right now for what may lie ahead in this fic. Still, this was just a lot of boring exposition. It was literally just Hermione and Ginny sitting on a train either reminiscing or telling each other things that could have easily been brought up throughout the story, but nope. We get it all at once in this snoozefest of a chapter. Joy.

I’m not sure yet if I’m going to continue this, but… Possibly? I was a lot more amusing that NITWIT is being and I really need to laugh more at these things, rather than being pissed at them all the time. Might be good to do this for a while too. 🙂

It’s past 3 am now, so…

Later, guys!


2 thoughts on “Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 01 (With Commentary)

  1. Pingback: Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 02 (With Commentary) | Blackbird's Nest

  2. Pingback: Twilight Review: Preface + Chapter 01 | Blackbird's Nest

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