Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 02 (With Commentary)

[First] [Next (Coming soon!)]

Hey, guys! Been a while, I know. I had a sinus infection, was on medication for a while and now my sleep schedule is a bit fucked so I’m trying to get back into the habit of sleeping at night like a normal person. It’s being a bit tough. -.-

Looking at my stats for the past couple days, I see that someone binge read all my fan fic commentary posts and… Buddy, if you reading this: I’m really, really, sorry. I hope you’re still somewhat mentally stable. o.O

And with that said… Oh, boy. Shit is gonna get weird this chapter!

*Warning for: Nudity, inappropriateness, and just being fucking weird as hell.*

Nothing too mentally scarring yet, but I would advise not reading this where people might come up and read over your shoulder, lest you end up having to explain some shit.  😛

Seriously. >.>

Let’s get started!

Chapter Two


Sunday, August 31, 2003 5:50 AM

The room was still dark as Hermione stretched and crooked her head in the direction of the nightstand. She squinted at the alarm clock. The hand was pointing at Go Back to Sleep You Still Have 10 Minutes. [Your alarm clock is an idiot if it thinks going back to sleep for only ten minutes is a good idea. It’ll only make you want to sleep in more. Trust me, I know >.>] Hermione reached out and turned the alarm off. She couldn’t remember the last time she had actually heard the alarm scream Time to Get Up Lazy Bones. It seemed her body had just simply become conditioned to waking up every morning by 6:00 AM no matter how late she might have stayed up the night before. [As an insomniac who was forced to do this for a great part of her life, the implication that this bitch can wake up ready to take on the day regardless of how much she sleeps, angers me. If you want to be a writer in the very least you should know how human beings fucking work!] It’s good to be back at Hogwarts, she reflected as she tossed the covers aside and sat up. [This whole paragraph could have been summarized in a sentence and nothing would have been lost. Hermione woke up before her alarm, as usual. There. That’s all you wrote here]

The start of a new year at Hogwarts always held the promise of novel and surprising things. Already Hermione had been surprised by the appearance of Ginny. It was a very pleasant surprise indeed, but a surprise none the less. [This sentence implies that unpleasant surprises are the norm here. Which actually makes sense in this fic… So carry on, I guess] She had often wondered what had become of her in the years where Hermione had little contact with the Weasleys. Yesterday on the train she had been envious of Ginny for having attended a muggle college [Yes, we know. This happened literally a chapter ago. Get to the fucking point Neil. Goddamn it, man!], but deep down inside she realized she didn’t want to be a physician. She loved books, she loved children, but most of all she loved teaching at Hogwarts. This was her home now and she cherished it. Okay Hermione, lets get the day started. Promptly she stood up and walked to the bathroom. After answering nature’s call [was this really necessary, Neil?] she brushed her teeth and washed her face. She looked at her hair disgustingly and reached for a hair band. No sense worrying about that now, I’ll be running alone this morning anyway. [Ah, fanfic Hermione; as always, teaching us women the valuable lesson that anything you do only has value if a man is there to see it] She slipped on a running bra, a pair of shorts and sat down on the bed to put on her socks and running shoes. By 6:05 she was headed for the door. [Oh, yeah, all of this was fifteen minutes of her day, folks… We’re in for a good chapter here. -.-]

Hermione and Harry had started running together during the summer prior to their fifth year. Harry was no longer a part of her life, but she had continued running daily. [Huh, I guess she will do some things without a man there to show his approval. A step up from NITWIT, I guess… but let’s not give this fic too much credit this soon >.>]

It was a beautiful late summer morning. It was warm: at least warm for Scotland. [Haha, Scotland weather, no one’s ever mentioned anything like that in a Harry Potter fic ever… EVER… -.-] Hermione had only begun her warm-up exercises when she was startled by a voice calling out, “Mind if I join you Granger?” [Oh, wait, never mind… Here comes a man. I bet Hermione wishes she prettied herself up this morning after all. :P]

Looking up when she heard her name, she was shocked to see Draco Malfoy walking towards her. Though maybe she should’ve expected it considering the use of her surname. [I wouldn’t expect it considering the lack of any racial slurs following the use of her surname. I mean, I know I said they overuse it in NITWIT, but this is Malfoy, right?] Hermione ran to meet him, immediately giving him a big hug and a brief kiss on his cheek. He returned the hug and kiss with equal enthusiasm. [wut? =.=]

“Draco, it’s so good to see you again. [wut? =.=] What’s it been, three years since I ran into you during my vacation in the States? [wtf… wut? =.=] Welcome back to Hogwarts.” [So, they’re… friends… in this? *sigh* WHAT?]

Draco smiled in a slightly devilish manner, and Hermione could feel his gaze, or more succinctly where his gaze was fixed on. “It’s good to be back and grand to see you once more. I’m pleased to see that you’re taking excellent care of that rack of yours.” […How old was the author of this fic? Because unless Neil was twelve, or had never once seen two human beings interact in his life, there’s no excuse for dialogue like this. Even if a guy is 100% only interested in fucking you, he should be smart enough to not say the word ‘rack’ literally two sentences into a conversation… And no, Tinder doesn’t count as a conversation.]

Hermione blushed [but of course, Hermione is amused and deep down flattered by this, because being an adult means that sexualizing everything is suddenly socially acceptable… seriously, how old was this author? I really want to know] as she gave Draco a good-natured punch in the arm. “Hey don’t bruise the merchandise,” Draco complained. 

Hermione found herself checking over Draco for a brief moment and had to admit that he was looking quite good. Not that she’d ever let him know that. [but let’s be fair, it’s not just guys who are constantly horny pervs, women are too! Because hormones work that way, kids! *shakes head* Oh, Neil…]

Hermione shook her head in mock disgust. In reality she found it oddly comforting. “You’ll never change, Malfoy. Less than a minute together and you’re already making wise cracks about my breasts.” [I knew Harry Potter was missing something important… Malfoy’s boob humor! Pft… I’m surprised Cursed Child didn’t fix this issue]

She’d always been slightly embarrassed by the fact that she was quite well endowed [Right. Because Hermione is a sex bomb, but she’s modest, so totally not a slut. She’s totally not a slut, you guys!] Growing up she’d concentrated so much on her studies and mind that she’d almost grown into a woman without her or anyone else noticing it. That at least was the case until her fifth year. [‘grown into a woman’ at age fifteen is a really disturbing implication to make in fan fiction land…] Still even now seven years later she felt slightly embarrassed whenever any attention was brought on her physical attributes. [Oh, poor Hermione, people keep telling her how hot she is… Why couldn’t Satan have made her less beautiful… It’s a fucking curse! *snort* At least My Immortal was straightforward about the Sueness of its protagonist. Between this and NITWIT, I’m starting to genuinely miss that] She’d almost died of shock when Playwizard magazine [I’d mock this, but it’s honestly a lot less stupid than the Wizard credit card from NITWIT] had offered her more money than she would earn in ten years teaching to pose for them. She knew that she had a good body. All the years of running had seen to that, but no matter how high the money, she was never going to seriously consider it. Her body was for her and her future husband to see, not the whole wizarding world. [Yeah, no. You can’t go on and on about all the underage sex Hermione’s had and then try to paint her as this pure virtuous maiden. It’s one or the other Neil… and I think you and I know damn well which one. And in any sane Universe, I’d say that there’s no way in hell a school teacher who wants to stay employed would pose naked for a magazine… But this is fan fiction]

It wasn’t that she had never been seen naked. She and Harry had been as intimate as two could be with each other during their fifth year. [Aaaand, right back to the underage sex. Good job, there, buddy. Good job!] Also, in one of [one of? ^.-] the accidents that occurred during that year, she had inadvertently shown way more of herself to Ron, Draco and Ginny then she had ever planned. [Didn’t she date Ron after this? Had she dated him with literally no intention of ever being naked in front of him? Wow, what a bitch] Something Hermione realized that Malfoy was still fondly remembering till this day when he asked, “Have you flashed anyone lately, Granger?” [*sigh*]

He moved quickly out of the way of her swinging arm.

“You better duck,” Hermione yelled at him. “Look, do you want to work out with me or is it your intention to spend the entire morning embarrassing me.” Hermione vividly remembered the day that Draco, Ginny and Ron had walked in on her and Harry after they had spent the night together. [Is this a My Immortal type situation? Were they fucking in the halls or in a classroom? Because they both shared rooms with other people so… Where were they that they had enough privacy to ‘spend the night’, but not enough privacy that Ron, Ginny, and Malfoy of all people could just walk in on them? Sense: you’re not making any. At all] She had been asleep and sat up, not realizing they were in the room. The covers had fallen to her waist before she realized they were there and she had ended up given the three of them quite a show. Draco evidently had never forgotten that moment and didn’t plan to let her either. [To be fair, considering how she had to add a comment about Hermione’s attractiveness in the middle of talking about this girl whose life Ron ruined, I’m assuming Ginny hasn’t quite forgotten it either. And you know what? I’d actually like that ship better than the unavoidable Harrmione this fic is about to shove down my throat. Yes; I am sick of Harrmione. Very, very, sick. -.-]

“Let’s exercise. I have to keep my gorgeous body in shape,” was Draco’s response.

Hermione just looked at him and shook her head. He’s conceited, but he’s right about his body. [*shakes head* Let me save you guys some time; everyone is incredibly hot in this fic. Unless they’re evil, I’m assuming]

The final exercise they did was sit-ups. Firstly, Hermione held Draco ankles as he did fifty sit-ups and then Draco reciprocated as Hermione did one hundred [lol, is your Sue such a Sue that she even has to do more sit-ups than any other character? Really?]. Hermione was concentrating on each sit up, but Draco failed to notice. He had fallen almost into a trance watching Hermione’s shorts grow ever tighter between her legs with each successive movement that she made. [Blatantly staring at a woman’s crotch; what a gentleman]

She first leaned down to the front, easily touching her toes. Then went to a sitting position. Then laid back on the ground with her arms stretched back as far a possible. Each time she laid back her shorts seemed to ride up a little more and become tighter and tighter. By the time she was at sit-up fifty Draco had become entranced. By the time she reached number seventy-five her shorts had ridden up so far that he was starting to perspire. By the time she reached one hundred, Draco was in a panic as to how to hide the physical effects of his entrancement. [90% of this fic for what I can tell is fetishizing everything Hermione does while still insisting that ‘she’s totally not a slut, you guys’. But then, maybe it’ll get worse soon because, remember, we have some totally ‘original’ Sues coming up in this one. I can’t fucking wait]

Hermione jumped to her feet as if she had spent the last few minutes taking a relaxing nap instead of exercising. [*sigh* seriously, dude, no one’s gonna think less of your character if exercising makes them tired, okay? Give us at least one normal human behavior, PLEASE] “Okay, lets go. How many kilometers are you going to run? I usually do five.”

“In all probability only three. You go ahead and begin. I’ll catch up.” He searched for an excuse. “I have to tie my shoe.” [Oh come on, Draco, you’ve been on about Hermione’s boobs and that was fine, but showing off your boner is too much? Seriously, if this was a bit more over the top it’d be funny, but this author seems unwilling to admit his pervs are pervs, so it’s just annoying]

“I can hang around,” she said.

“No, no you go ahead and start. I can catch up,” he said as he sat with his arm discreetly hiding the bulge in his shorts. 

“Okay, but don’t take too long or you’ll never catch me,” she said as she ran off.

Damn! Draco checked out her firm butt as she ran off. She looks as good going away as she does coming. Speaking of which Granger, I’m definitely shagging you this year. [*facepalm*]

* * * * *

Sunday, August 31, 2003, 10:45 AM

Hermione took a very pleasant lengthy shower, had a little breakfast and then curled up for a couple of hours with a book. Now she felt prepared to take on the world. [Did she really have nothing to do all morning? I know school hasn’t started yet, but… Really?]

It was hard not to think about all the times gone past as she walked down the corridors of the school towards the Great Hall. So much of her life had occurred here. So much happiness. So much sadness. [Omg, how does this bitch get any work done at this school when everything; literally everything, gives her flashbacks!?]

As she rapidly walked toward the large double doors to the Great Hall she smiled to herself. Today is officially the start of a new existence for Hermione Granger. No more living in the past. No more dreaming about what could have been. From here on I live for the future. [Yeah, you’re doing a shit job of that, Hermione]

When she entered the Great Hall it seemed so bare. The house tables had not been set up yet for the Welcoming Feast and neither had the long table where the staff normally partook of their meal. The only furnishings in the room were an outsized rectangular shaped conference table in the very middle and chairs surrounding it. There was one at either end and five on either side. Near to the large table there was a much smaller table containing cups, coffee, assorted cold drinks and snacks.

Neville and Draco had arrived already and were standing next to the smaller table holding beverages and ostensibly engrossed in a lively conversation. That is until the door closed after Hermione. For a short time they both seemed to gape at her as if in suspended animation. [Hermione’s hot. WE GET IT] Hermione in an automatic nervous response looked down at her robes. She occasionally had nightmares in which people were staring at her because she was naked. [Gee, I wonder why #FORESHADOWING] The look in they eyes made her momentarily feel like perhaps she had left her quarters in her birthday suit.

Before she realized what was happening both men approached her and as if they had rehearsed it for hours said in unison, “Would you like a drink, Hermione?” [Uuuuugh. Never do that again]

“Yes please, but only one,” Hermione laughed at the strange way Neville and Draco were acting. [How stupid are you? Because you need to literally be a doorknob to not understand why they’re acting this way. Smartest witch alive, my arse]

Now after asking if she wanted a beverage, they both stood there looking at each other as if silently debating who should hang about and who should go get the beverage.

Hermione shook her head and smiled. “Why don’t we all go? I might have something to eat as well.” [Ugh, just…. UGH… Okay, so you do know these idiots are hitting on you and you’re just condescending them. Great. Lovely. What totally-not-a-cunt you are]

Just as they started toward the table, Professor Vector entered the room followed by Ginny and Trelawney. The two women were clucking away as if they were life long friends. As Hermione was getting her drink Ginny gave her a quick wave, but then returned right back to her conversation.

Well, so much for that grand friendship we were going to have. Looks like I’m odd man out. [Okay, okay, see I think I understand why you have no female friends at this school, Hermione; even amongst your former teachers. I mean, if Ginny being friendly with any other women translates to ‘welp that means we can’t be friends like I wanted’, yeah, I think you have some fucking issues]  She had been counting on Ginny being someone she could talk with. She never really had a close female friend. When she was a student she spent so much time with Ron and Harry that she never became very close to any of the other girls. [this is hilarious because, throughout the course of the books, Hermione and Ginny do actually become pretty close friends. They were always hanging out when Hermione was at the Burrow and Hermione was the one to play the older sister to Ginny about her crush on Harry. So… It’s hilarious to me how Harrmione shippers always have to pit them against each other in some way shape or form. *shakes head*] Actually back then it didn’t matter to a large extent because no one could have been a better friend than Harry or Ron. [Also, I hate the trope that the girl with the male best friends just can’t get along with girls. In general writers do this to imply that girls won’t like other girls who have a lot of guy friends because they’d be jealous of how ‘popular’ the are, which is fucking retarded] But now they were gone and it got somewhat lonesome at times not having somebody with whom she could really talk.

Sybil Trelawney and Hermione, well that was like oil and water. Madam Pomfrey although quite nice was so much older then Hermione and spent all her time in the infirmary [you could visit her, you lazy bitch. I mean, you do like 100 sit ups without sweating, taking a stroll to the infirmary is literally no effort to you]. Then there was Madam Hooch…. Well, Hermione preferred to not socialize with the broomstick-flying instructor. [*sigh* are you ready for this? Brace yourselves; we’re going into flashback mode]

* * * * * *

Hermione was free, but completely naked. She ran down the corridor as fast as her legs would allow, tears streaming down her face. [this fic is called Hogwarts Exposed for a reason. Can you guys venture a guess? -.-]

What if someone sees me? Two months as a professor and I’m streaking the halls of Hogwarts. Please God help me. What have I ever done to deserve this? [I think Hermione is becoming self-aware for a moment here and cursing her own existence in this goddamn fic] Please let me make it to the faculty area, please.

Finally after what seemed like hours but in actuality was only a few minutes she reached the staircase to the faculty area.

The portrait, I’ve made it. Hermione gave the password and was in the staircase that led to the faculty quarters. [are you confused about wtf this has to do with Madam Hooch? Hang on to your innocence. Trust me. You’re gonna regret asking soon enough]


“Hermione, did you hear me? I said what the bloody hell is she doing here?”

Draco’s voice cut through Hermione’s thoughts and when she turned to look at him, she saw that he was staring a hole through Virginia Weasley. [Fuck. Damn it. That’s not her goddamn name] The look on Draco’s face made it clear that he was not happy to see his former girlfriend. [Of course. Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley. OF COURSE]

“Ginny’s teaching Muggle Studies,” she responded.

“Well isn’t that bloody perfect. If Snape had told be that bloody bitch was going to be here, I never would have taken this bloody job.”

Hermione couldn’t resist saying, “Is that a bloody fact.” [When your dialogue is so stupid even your Mary Sue is mocking it]

Neville who all this time had been staring at Ginny like a dog in heat [isn’t Neville, like, super hot now? Why do you make it sound like a guy who never gets laid? -.-], laughed just as Charlie Weasley strolled into the hall. Charlie gave Ginny a quick hug.

Hermione was just about to make a comment to Draco and Neville when Professor Binns floated into the room saying, “The headmaster is on his way. Please everyone take a seat. Ms Granger, The headmaster would like you to sit at this end of the table.”

I wonder why? Hermione thought as she headed for her seat. [Because you’re SPECIAL, Hermione, geez aren’t you paying attention? -.-] Neville and Draco vied for the seat to her left, with Neville winning [I can’t believe I’m saying this… again… but My Immortal did this better. I mean, it wasn’t good; at all, but it was funny]. Draco looked at the chair to Hermione’s right, but Charlie had already taken it, so he reluctantly sat next to Neville. Draco couldn’t believe his luck when Professor Binns sat next to him. Professor Vector likewise looked uncomfortable as he took the empty chair next to Binns. Sybil and Ginny were just taking their places when the new Headmaster walked into the room.

Hermione stared in shock when Professor Snape walked through the door. It wasn’t the appearance of the former Potions Master that stunned her though. Accompanying him was the new Minister of Magic and someone she hadn’t seen for over five years. [It’s Harry. We’re all expecting it at this point so don’t try to suspense it, Neil] Someone who she never thought she’d see again, even though her thoughts were filled with memories of the times before he left. [yes, she remembers her school years. WE KNOW. Fuck’s sake, stop!] There he was, walking next to the Minister. Harry Potter had come back to Hogwarts. [Ugh]

She watched as he took a seat next to Ginny and the Minister took the end chair to the left of the Headmaster. Hermione was sure her face looked as though she’d seen a ghost, for that was what Harry had been to her for these past years. Then she realized Harry hadn’t even looked in her direction. It actually seemed like he was intentionally avoiding looking toward her end of the table. [Oh, wow, a guy who isn’t paying attention to her. I don’t think Suemione can withstand that]

Severus began, “Good morning and welcome back. I hope you all had an enjoyable vacation and are looking forward to the school year ahead of us as much as I. [Snape is being nice. Make it stop] Before we get down to business I would like to introduce the new Minster of Magic, Emma Wrong [*snort* Wow, seriously? Couldn’t you have picked a less obviously evil name for this character, Neil? Jesus fucking Christ. This is like if I had named Sean “Joe McBackstabby” back in the SOP days. And you know, in some parallel Universe where I’m a shit writer, I like to think I did :P]. Minister Wrong can only stay a few minutes, but would like to update us on the increase in Death Eater activity that has occurred this summer.” [omg, is it an actual attempt at plot I’m seeing? Ssshhh… *whispers* no sudden moves guys, we might scare it away o.o]

The headmaster sat down as the Minister Wrong stood to address the teachers. “Good morning. I’m not here to make a speech, but rather to bring you up to date on the Death Eater menace. This is a casual meeting so please feel free to interrupt at any point with questions and I will try my best to respond to them.” The minister looked about the room. [Well, right off the bat she seems like a pretty nice and professional lady. If only her name wasn’t so obvious we might actually like her. Oh well, maybe I’m misjudging Neil and she won’t turn out to be the villain later. Won’t that make me look stupid? >.>]

She continued, “Once Voldemort was destroyed in 1997 the wizarding world enjoyed two years of relative peace and quiet. The ministry realized that it was just a matter of time until the Death Eaters who had not been killed or imprisoned would start regrouping. Signs of this regrouping started to emerge in the summer of 1999. First they operated in local gangs, then gangs merged and grew.” [I will give Neil credit where it’s due; this seems like a perfectly natural thing to happen after Voldemort’s defeat. It’s not a bad plot idea, but quite honestly I have little hopes the execution will do it justice]

“Minster Wrong”

“Professor Longbottom, isn’t it?

“Yes. Is it possible that the leaders of any of these groups could become so strong that they could control all the Death Eater in one country or worse multiple countries” [Punctuation, Neil!]

“Regrettably, that is quite possible. I will use Voldemort, himself, as an example. Tom Riddle was not born with great power; he achieved it. He was a student of this school, a brilliant scholar, who took an unfortunate curiosity in dark magic. The greater his knowledge of Dark Magic grew the more Death Eaters aligned themselves with him. Soon his influence covered all of Europe.” [I’m annoyed that the obvious villain is the only character in this I don’t hate so far. She actually sounds like a reasonable human]

“Is that likely to happen here in Britain again and so rapidly?” questioned Harry.

“Harry, or rather Professor Potter I should say.”

Hermione’s eyes widened. Professor Potter? Did that mean that Harry was the new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor? [Hermione, for fuck’s sake, we’re talking about Death Eaters on the rise and you’re worried about THIS? Also… WHY ELSE WOULD HE BE HERE, YOU MORON!? Seriously, if Suemione is the ‘smartest witch alive’ the Wizarding world is FUCKED!] She looked at the wide range of expressions around the room. Neville had a questioning gaze. Draco was disgusted and had broken his pencil. Professors Vector and Binns were smiling. Ginny looked ready to jump out of her seat with joy. Trelawney was in a fog as usual and Charlie was grinning. Hermione couldn’t quite place the expression that Severus had on his face. [Was this really worth interrupting actual plot over? I mean, you almost had me interested for a second, there, Neil. *sigh*]

Minster Wrong persisted with a very dejected look on her face, “I’m fearful it already has happened.” [Ooh, I’m almost interested again. I hope it lasts]

Before the Minister could continue, Hermione injected, “If the Ministry knows the Death Eaters are gathering numbers and power so fast, why isn’t something being done to seize their leader?” [Right, because they’re out in the open showing their face all willy nilly. *sigh*]

“If only it were that straightforward, Professor Granger. We don’t know who he is nor where they’re headquartered. For that matter we don’t even know absolutely that the leader is a male.” There was a look of frustration on Emma Wrong’s face.

Draco had a puzzled look on his face. “Haven’t you tried infiltrating their ranks?”

“I’m sorry, but we haven’t met yet.”

“Draco Malfoy, Potions Master”

“Extremely nice to meet you, Professor Malfoy. In response to your question, yes we have, on numerous occasions as a matter of fact. Our last spy returned to us castrated.”

Several of the men swallowed quite hard. [It’s funny how some writers think that just throwing shit like this into a story out of nowhere will actually have any sort of effect. It really doesn’t. Also, if in the Harry Potter Universe they can easily grow back all the bones in someone’s arm, I’m pretty sure they can grow back a dick. So, while painful, not quite as tragic]

“He had no knowledge of it happening,” the Minister continued. “He remembered being captured by Death Eaters and then he was standing in a field. It was, however, two weeks later.”

As the others continued to ask questions, Hermione sat in a daze. Harry is back! I missed him so much. Why is he ignoring me? If anyone should be angry, it’s me. Where was he? Can we be friends again? Or more? Why won’t he acknowledge my presence? [Holy shit, Hermione! Can you stop thinking with your girl boner for two fucking seconds!? Maybe Harry is ignoring you because, oh, I don’t know, Death Eaters! Death Eaters cutting off people’s dicks! Maybe that’s a little bit more important than you right now; just a thought. FUCKING PRIORITIES!]

“Well then if there are no more questions I must be on my way. Remember if you deduce any Death Eater recruiting is taking place on the school grounds please contact my office.” Emma Wrong had completed her remarks and was ready to Apparate when Professor Snape whispered in her ear, that wasn’t possible on Hogwarts’ ground. “Thank you, I had forgotten about that. No need to see me out. I know the way.” [Okay, she’s not as smart as I thought, but still… Emma Wrong is my favorite character so far. And she’s so obviously evil it’s painful. lol]

The Headmaster waited until she had left the room. “I have a few comments to make and then we shall have our lunch.” First I would like to welcome Ms. Weasley, Mr. Draco [Mr. Draco? Uh… It’s Malfoy, Snape. Seriously] and Mr. Potter to the Hogwarts staff. We now have the youngest instructional staff in the history of Hogwarts. I am sure you will make up for your lack of experience with an abundance of enthusiasm. Ms. Weasley will be teaching Muggle Studies. Mr. Draco [Malfoy. Did you literally forget his last name, Neil?] will take over my former position as Potions Master and although he knows little about the subject, Mr. Potter will be instructing Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Everyone laughed at this comment and Hermione thought, Severus must be in a good mood today. [I don’t like it, make it stop]

“Next,” he continued, “I’m sure you have noticed the absence of Madam Hooch. She is experiencing some personal problems and will join us as soon as possible. That will not be for at least three weeks. Because of this it will be necessary to cancel first year flying lessons and possibly delay the start of the Quidditch season.” [Oh no! Wonder if anyone will be able to fill that role at all… *eyeroll*]

Hermione wondered if she was imagining it, but it looked like Severus was making sure she heard him very clearly. [We’ll come back to this later. It’ll be glorious]

Neville whispered to Hermione, “That won’t go at all well with the students.”

“It has been brought to my attention that the students do not find me the most understanding and pleasant person to speak with.” [I don’t see why. You’re being super pleasant so far. It sucks. Really, stop that] There were a few chuckles at the Headmaster’s comment. “With that in mind I have decided to have Professor Granger act as Assistant Headmaster and Dean of Students.” Hermione blushed slightly as the others gave her polite applause. [Fanfic authors… Stop making your female characters blush at every little compliment. This is not how females work. Thank you] She was one of the people who had commented to Snape about his handling of students, but she was quite surprised and proud about her new position. [Yes, she’s super duper competent at everything, but she’s also oh so humble, WE FUCKING GET IT] “Professor Granger, please see me in my office as soon as you have completed lunch. Speaking of lunch; shall we?”

While everyone tucked into the quite generous meal in front of them, Hermione suddenly found her thoughts filled with memories she tried so hard to forget. [Off to flashback land again!]


Almost there, she said with relief as she ran down the last hall and turned the corner to her room only to stumble over Severus Snape who had leaned over to pick something up off the floor. [Yep, we’re back to running around naked in the past. And she landed on Snape of all people. Let’s see where this goes…]

Oh! My God, Hermione thought. I’m starkers laying on top of Severus Snape. It rapidly became apparent that her two tiny hands were rather inadequate at covering all the parts she wanted covered. [AN: Hermione has boobage, let’s keep that in mind always] She quickly rolled off of Severus and he jumped to his feet.

“Good gracious, Hermione, what happened?” Alarm covered his face as he promptly removed his robe and tried to covered the girl as she attempted to get to her feet while simultaneously trying to cover three body areas, but succeeding somewhat poorly. “Have you been raped? Dear Lord I’ll contact Minerva immediately. We’ll form a search party. We’ll catch the bastard that did this to you and … and we’ll give him to the Dementors.” [seriously, I don’t like super-helpful-nice-guy-Snape, make it stop!]

“No, please Severus.” Hermione could not get used to calling Professor Snape by his first name. “Please don’t tell anyone what happened.” [fan fic Hermione: teaching women another valuable lesson… If someone rapes you, don’t report them! =.=]

“But Hermione, the Bastard that did this to you must be punished. He can’t be allowed to get away with this,” Snape responded emphatically. [I hate you nice guy Snape. You suck]

“No please, Severus, I’ll tell you what happened, but please… Ow.” Hermione winced in pain and grabbed her right breast. In all the panic to get back to her quarters she had ignore the pain, but now that things had slightly calmed down it couldn’t be ignored any longer. She looked down at the robe she was now wearing, Severus’ robe, and noticed a large circle of blood had already formed. She turned away from Severus in order to block his view and opened the robe just enough that she could observe her breast. “Oh my God,” she cried. “She bit off my nipple.” [Holy crap! What did I just read? HOLY CRAP! I… Hang on a second, guys. I need a moment…]


[Okay, first of all, having your nipple bitten off is not the kind of pain you ignore no matter how much fucking adrenaline is flowing through your body, okay? Having any part of you bitten or cut off is the kind of pain that makes you go into shock and pass the fuck out. No. Just no. Second, what in the actual fuck why is this a thing that happens here. Third… ROFL, WHAT!? This shit is hilarious. I’m sorry, I know this is supposed to be, I don’t know, a dramatic moment, maybe? But I swear to God I laughed so hard it actually took me three hours to come back and comment on it. I wouldn’t know how to make shit like this up]

“SHE,” was all he could say as his face turned white with shock. “Quickly then, we must get you to Madam Pomfrey immediately. A human bite carries more disease than that of an animal. And your breast, that part of it must be regenerated. It can not be allowed to heal shut.”

“Please, no Severus. I don’t want anyone to know about this. You can give me a potion to prevent disease and you’re a hyperempath. [he’s a what now?] You can heal my breast?”

Severus just looked at the girl. “Hermione, we must talk. Would you feel more comfortable in my quarters or yours”? [….He said it, I don’t even have to make the joke]

“Mine, if you don’t mind,” she said as she opened her door and lead the way into the room.

“Please sit down,” Severus said sounding very apprehensive. Hermione sat down on the edge of her bed and Severus sat next to her. “Hermione, you’re a full hyperempath. [Mind explaining wtf this shit is?] You know that in order to heal a body part you must handle it. My hyperempathcy powers are not nearly as strong as yours. [Naturally] In order for me to regenerate a body component such as you ask I must hold the injured part in one hand and an identical uninjured part in the other. I cannot do what you ask without physically holding your breasts in my hands and working with the one. [Convenient. You know, I don’t usually let my characters comment on fan fiction like this, but I do have both a magical healer and an empath on my cast and, you know, expert opinions and all… Annie, is this how healing works? “Not in the slightest. I mean, if you’re a beginner some form of physical contact may be required, but if that’s the case you’d hardly be able to regenerate a body part like this.” Mhm. Uhm, Crys, is this how empathy works? “What in the actual fu… No! No, it’s not!” Okay, well, thanks, girls, very helpful. So yeah, my question here is, to sort of quote my own character… What in the actual fuck? -.-]

“Yes, I know.” Hermione’s voice quivered. The nerviness she felt because of what was about to take place was apparent in her voice. “Can you excuse me just a minute, please,” she said while picking her slacks up off the chair where she had laid them when first preparing for bed. She then headed for the bathroom.

After closing the door Hermione removed the cloak [wasnt it a robe, though? There actually is a difference. >.>] Severus had given her. She looked in the mirror. The bleeding had subsided slightly, but her breast hurt like hell. She tried to wash the blood off as best as feasible and then leaned on the sink looking in the mirror. Her breast looked awful. ‘Can I do this, can I actually ask Severus to hold my breasts? [I don’t see why not. I mean, legitimately I don’t see why not. If it’s an actual healing process and this is someone you know and trust… Whatever works, dude] If I were able to do the regeneration to myself it would probably take about ten to fifteen minutes. [Yeah, uhm, why can’t she do it to herself? It’s not in an unreachable area and her healing powers are clearly more developed than his… Is there a reason why it can’t be done? I mean, I know that the norm is to not have healer characters be able to regenerate themselves, but honestly… In the Harry Potter Universe, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of any type of magic a Wizard can’t inflict on themselves if they want to] With his limited healing power it will probably be more like an hour. An hour he will have to massage my remaining nipple between his fingertips. [is Hermione worried she’s gonna like this? I’m starting to suspect that’s the issue here. And if so… Iiiiiw] What if I just left him heal the wound? He could do that with his wand without me even taking my shirt off. Yeah sure, and then if I ever find mister right I get to explain why I only have one nipple. [Priorities!] What if I have children? I want to breast-feed them. [you can do that with the one intact nipple you still have, ya know. You don’t need both at the same time]

I don’t have a choice. I have to do this. I have to. [Whatever, Hermione, we all knew you were gonna]

Hermione placed Severus’ cloak back on over her slacks and bare upper torso, figuring it was already ruined so there was no sense in getting blood on something else. She stepped out of the bathroom. Hermione was petrified and her voice trembled. “Maybe we should sit at the table so that you can lean your elbows on it. Holding your arms out in front of you for an hour will be quite uncomfortable.”

“Hermione, are you sure you want to do this. Wouldn’t you feel more comfortable going to Pomfrey?” [Nice Guy Snape has a point. Also, he’s so reluctant to do this it’s actually kind of cute. I hate it. Make it stop]

Oh yes, thought Hermione. That would definitely be more comfortable, but then everyone would find out what happened. “No I can’t, if you’re willing lets get started.” [Seriously, women of the world; don’t report your rapists… That’s the way of the Sue. Seriously, you dumb bitch… =.=]

Severus and Hermione took seats at the corner of the table. “Now I can’t talk to you at all or I’ll lose my connection, but you can speak, up until the last phase; then you must be quiet, also. Suppose you use this time to tell me exactly what happened to you. I’m ready to start whenever you are.” [Why does he have to explain to her how this shit works if she’s presumably better at it than him? >.>]

Hermione contemplated. If we wait till I’m ready, we’ll be here forever. She stood up, opened the front of the robe. Took a deep breath, closed her eyes and allowed the robe to slip off her back. She sat back down and started to apprise Severus of the events of the evening her eyes still closed.  [Nice Guy Snape is being very professional about this, but even so… I can’t think of a worse decision for a writer to make than have a character recount the sexual assault she suffered while having her breasts fondled. Who would ever think this is a good idea?]

Severus softly spoke, “I’m going to start now.

Hermione nodded ever so slightly as her body trembled awaiting the touch of his hands. First he tenderly placed the palm of one hand against her still bleeding injured breast. This palm would remain there, not moving for the next hour. Next he took his other hand and gently placed his finger on her nipple which instantly hardened. He began moving the finger in a clockwise direction. [….Yeah, she was afraid she’d like it. Fuck my life. -.-]

After about twenty minutes she realized that the pain had completely left her breast. She studied Severus’ expressionless face and his eyes that remained fixed on her chest.

Although she noticed he seemed to be staring through her instead of at her. [Is that disappointment I sense here, Suemione?]

Her story had barely ended when he gently shook his head left to right without moving his eyes off his target. This evidently meant for her to remain quiet. For the next ten minutes they just sat there; his eyes fixed on his target and her eyes watching him. Then he first lifted his hand off the previously injured breast and then the other. He looked back and forth between the two before simply saying, “Perfect.” [I think this fic annoys me more when it’s trying to be serious than when it’s trying to be… I don’t know what else it was trying to be earlier, but THAT; whatever it is]

His work done he rose from the chair and picked up the blouse that Hermione had thrown on the bed. He handed it to her without comment.

Hermione slipped on the garment, but merely held it shut instead of buttoning it. “Thank you, Severus.” 

His voice showed concern as he said, “Hermione, are you absolutely sure about not informing McGonagall.” [“Hermione, are you sure you don’t want to report the rapist who is definitely someone who resides in this school full of vulnerable female students?”]

“Definitely.” [“Nah, that’d be, like, so awkward for me”]

“I disagree, but will abide by your wishes. Now I think its best you get some rest.” He headed to the door and Hermione followed to leave him out. [“Well, fuck you, next rape is totally your goddamn fault.”]

He had opened the door and was just about to leave when Hermione reach out and put her arms around him. “Thank you again, Severus. I don’t know what I would have done without you.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. [Ugh, such fucking inappropriate behavior right now]

Severus smiled and left, but after taking only three steps he turned; Hermione was still standing at the door. Because she had not considered holding her blouse shut, her breasts were quite visible. [of course they were!] The older man simple said, “Your beautiful.” Then he turned and proceeded down the hall. [UGH]

Hermione just stood there until he had closed his door and then quietly said aloud, “So are you.” [UUUUGH… *gag*]

Read? [unfotunately!] Review! [Fuck you! How’s that for a review? =.=]

I would like to clear up some confusion that Chapter One created. This story is not only a spoiler for canon, but also for Mists of Time by Nightfall and The Psychic Serpent Trilogy by Barb Purdon. The defeat of Voldemort in year seven is primarily based on Nightfall’s story. [Normally I’d complain that Neil should explain this shit in story, but honestly, this thing had so much exposition already that I’ll gladly take this in Author’s Notes instead!]

Some of the qualities and history that the canon characters have can be attributed to events that occurred in the PS Trilogy. Examples would be that Harry and Hermione are Animagi and that Ron was bitten by Remus and turned to a werewolf. Through out the story references will be made to things that occurred during the fifth and sixth year.

These references are drawn from the Psychic Serpent Trilogy. One such reference is that Ron had two older sisters that were kidnapped before his and Ginny’s birth. [okay… And how did one of them hooked up with Snape? And if they were kidnapped how were they in The Burrow with Ginny so she could perv on Snape? *sigh* You know what, I don’t care… I DON’T EVEN CARE!]

The reading of Mists of Time or The Psychic Serpent Trilogy is certainly not necessary to follow this story, but they are excellent reads that I recommend.

Once again I want to thank Sarah for her suggestions concerning this chapters [damn it, Wifey!]. Special thanks to Andrew for all the time and effort he has put into beta work on this chapter. Chapters three, four and five are written and will be posted as soon as the beta work is complete. Thank you for reading and please take the time to review. [Ugh, Neil, what have you done to humanity?]

Well, guys, I hope my suffering is enjoyable to you. Because yeeeah… This was horrible and I don’t think it’s getting any better.

Still, I’m sure I’ll be gladly running back to this after I do some more NITWIT.



One thought on “Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 02 (With Commentary)

  1. Pingback: Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 01 (With Commentary) | Blackbird's Nest

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