Twilight Review: Preface + Chapter 01

[First (you are here!)] [Next (coming soon…ish…)]

Disclaimer: I’m not a professional critic. This is strictly my (clearly biased) opinion and if you like this book; hey, good for you. Don’t read this unless you know you can take a punch and laugh about it. Also, I tried not to curse but failed, so… Strong language ahead.

Alright. I’m doing this. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!? >.<

Sorry, guys, that was just a personal message for the dear, dear, friend who bribed me to do this for her. -.-

I’m not going to do much introduction to this. Everyone is sick of knowing what Twilight is and it’s not much of a secret that I hate it with the fire and fury of a thousand suns.

That said, I gave my word that I would be as fair as I possibly can about this book and I meant it. I don’t want this review series to turn into a rage induced rant (we already have NITWIT for that, don’t we? -.-). Because, in all honesty, the first time I read this book I was so angry with it I spent an entire afternoon ranting about it to Wifey over IMs and then in person to another friend who was sitting next to me enjoying the spectacle of smoke coming out of my ears. I was so angry that I decided not to read the rest of the series for my own sake and that of everyone around me. That was a good number of years ago., though, and I would like to think I’ve matured since then and can now go through this without completely losing my shit.

Time will tell, I guess.

It’s the first time I do a chapter-by-chapter review so, I’m going to give a very short summary of what happens in the chapter, then break it down by quoting certain ‘notable’ passages and talking about them, then finally I’ll give my final thoughts. Since a requirement for this review is that I find a positive in each chapter, I’ll leave that part last. You know, to end on a positive note. Or something. *groans* UghI’malreadyregrettingthis.

Let’s begin! -.-


The preface of this book is basically a misdirection tactic to make you believe there is actually an interesting climax at the end when in fact there isn’t. This is something Stephenie Meyer will perfect over the course of this series, culminating in the infamous “the only interesting thing to ever happen in four books wasn’t actually real. Haha, you suckers.” ending of Breaking Dawn. Granted, I’m going by the movies in this particular assessment, but I’ve been told it’s not that different. Funny how Twilight is one of the most faithful book adaptations I know and yet… *sigh* Heh. I wonder if my friend is regretting this as much as I am at this point.

Let’s start over.

The preface is basically a tease to the end of the book. With Bella being all “This isn’t how I thought I’d die” about it. Before I had ever heard of this book series or its movie adaptations I knew for a fact Bella Swan wasn’t going to die at the end of Twilight. I mean, authors, we know the protagonist isn’t going to die. Don’t insult our intelligence with this goddamn trope anymore. It’s not a poetic way to start your book, it’s not fooling anyone, and until we actually know and care about the character it invokes zero sense of dread. In short; it’s fucking pointless and you should spare us, and yourselves, the embarrassment.

It’s literally four paragraphs; two of which consist of a single sentence, consisting solely of Bella musing that she’s about to die. The only thing noteworthy about it is the fact it’s called ‘Preface’ and not ‘Prologue’. Whatever, though, we have bigger issues here.

Let’s talk about chapter one.

What Happens

Bella leaves Phoenix, arrives in Forks, hates everything, goes to school, hates everything some more, meets Edward, gets girl boner, he’s an ass to her, she cries about it.

End chapter.

Let’s Break It Down

I’ve told a lot of people my main issue with this book is the fact it’s narrated in first-person. We’re constantly in Bella’s head. And Bella… is not a good person. It’s not that she’s a bad character (although she is also that), but she’s just a bad person. If you kill all hope of me liking your main character, sorry, but I already hate your book. In Twilight, this happens extremely fast. The other main problem with this is that, and this is true for a lot of 1st-person POV stories, there’s no emotional weight to anything. Because we’re not being shown the character’s emotions; we’re being constantly told how they feel. Not all 1st person stories are like this, but a lot of them are. Twilight included.

For instance, we start with Bella driving to Phoenix airport and then saying goodbye to her mom before boarding the plane to, you guessed it, Forks.

It was to Forks that I now exiled myself— an action that I took with great horror. I detested Forks.

Bella clearly doesn’t like Forks. And we know this because she tells us. Just like she tells us she loves Phoenix. And much like she tells us literally every little thing for the next 11-or-so pages.

“Bella,” my mom said to me — the last of a thousand times — before I got on the plane. “You don’t have to do this.”

Then why are you doing it? I’m serious. We’re given no specific reason why Bella needs to go to Forks other than her mom found herself a dude and then she herself decided she needed to be out of the picture. Why? See, maybe elaborating on that might give your character some depth, instead of making it seem like she’s endlessly bitching about things she imposed on herself for no real tangible reason other than ‘plot, I guess’.

My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines.

*siiiigh*

I remember in the first chapter of Hogwarts Exposed where I said and I quote “Okay, comparisons like this work when the reader immediately knows what the thing you’re comparing to is”. And I bring this up because, apparently, this published author with a goddamn Bachelor’s degree in English (yes, really) doesn’t understand this shit either. I’d expect someone with a degree in this to know better than me when I never graduated college and don’t even speak English as a native language! I mean, really? Do I actually have to explain this again here?

We don’t know what Bella looks like and unless we’re told this right now this comparison is pointless. And no, we’re not told what Bella looks like for a few pages still. Therefore. Yeah. Utterly pointless. In my gigantic effort to be polite during the course of this review, I’m going to call this beginning ‘underwhelming’ and leave it at that.

If you’re wondering how quickly I’ve begun disliking Bella. It was probably here;

How could I leave my loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself? Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still…

I’d like to imagine Stephenie Meyer wrote this thinking that it sounded really endearing, but here’s the thing; Bella makes her mom sound like she’s got a case of premature Alzheimer or is just not smart enough to survive if left to her own devices which, is the most condescending shitty thing I’ve ever seen. You’d have to assume that this woman not only kept herself but also Bella, alive, fed, happy and in good health for the past seventeen years and this self-important twat has absolutely no respect for her. At all.

Never mind gratitude. What is that?

Regardless, she lies a thousand times more about wanting to go to this place she clearly despises, says her goodbyes to her mom, and gets on a plane.

Four hours later we’re in… Well, not Forks, Port Angeles, and we’re introduced to Bella’s dad; Charlie. If I thought Bella had no respect for her mom, forget about poor Charlie.

Earlier in the chapter, we’re told that after a certain point Bella refused to go to Forks and demanded Charlie vacationed with her in California instead. Which, being the invested parent he is, he did. I’m assuming by spending money out of his measly small town cop salary.  I’m sorry, but if this was my child I’d tell her to shut her whiny hole, go visit her father, and fucking enjoy it. >.>

But then, Renee is incapable of feeding herself apparently, so, that’s probably why Bella always gets her way. I mean, other than the fact she’s a Sue, of course.

When Bella disembarks in Port Angeles Charlie’s there to pick her up. She’s worried about driving with him for an hour because they don’t have much to talk about; which, yeah, fine, that’s me 99% of the time so I’ll give it a pass. I’m also assuming that when you’re a child of divorce there’s always more awkwardness with one parent than the other. This is also perfectly fine. I’m not going to hate on everything Bella does. See, I’m being good. >.>

So, in the car, Charlie’s trying to make conversation, and he mentions the fact he bought Bella a truck. This, here, was the moment I went from ‘dislike’ to ‘hate’ with Bella. Mind you, we’re two pages into this chapter at this point.

“I found a good car for you, really cheap,” he announced when we were strapped in.

“What kind of car?” I was suspicious of the way he said “good car for you” as opposed to just “good car.”

“Well, it’s a truck actually, a Chevy.”

“Where did you find it?”

“Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?” La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.

“No.”

“He used to go fishing with us during the summer,” Charlie prompted.

That would explain why I didn’t remember him. I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.

“He’s in a wheelchair now,” Charlie continued when I didn’t respond, “so he can’t drive anymore, and he offered to sell me his truck cheap.”

“What year is it?” I could see from his change of expression that this was the question he was hoping I wouldn’t ask.

“Well, Billy’s done a lot of work on the engine — it’s only a few years old, really.”

I hoped he didn’t think so little of me as to believe I would give up that easily. “When did he buy it?”

“He bought it in 1984, I think.”

“Did he buy it new?”

“Well, no. I think it was new in the early sixties — or late fifties at the earliest,” he admitted sheepishly.

“Ch — Dad, I don’t really know anything about cars. I wouldn’t be able to fix it if anything went wrong, and I couldn’t afford a mechanic…”

“Really, Bella, the thing runs great. They don’t build them like that anymore.”

The thing, I thought to myself… it had possibilities — as a nickname, at the very least.

“How cheap is cheap?” After all, that was the part I couldn’t compromise on.

“Well, honey, I kind of already bought it for you. As a homecoming gift.” Charlie peeked sideways at me with a hopeful expression.

Wow. Free

Sorry, that excerpt was on the longer side, but let me break down everything that annoyed me with this exchange; Charlie’s, again, going out of his way for his kid here, he had agreed to help her find a car and he stepped up more than adequately.

Probably due to the fact I grew up mostly without my dad, I really want to beat the shit out of Bella for calling a fishing trip with her father a ‘painful, unnecessary thing’. There are people who would bend space and time to give themselves that kind of memory, you self-entitled bitch.

She doesn’t even bat an eye to the mention of Billy Black being in a wheelchair. Not even in an “I don’t really care, but I’m gonna ask just to be polite” kind of way. Not even the customary ‘Oh, that sucks’ awkward people give when they’re not sure what to say about something like this. Nothing. She only cares about the car.

“Wow, free.” Show some fucking enthusiasm, you stupid teenager. Gawd. =.=

She does thank Charlie for giving her the car to which he says he wants her to be happy which, is really sweet and she appreciates it… Although thinking that being happy in Forks was an impossibility because remember; Forks is hell on Earth. And here’s another thing I hate about Bella… Even when good things happen she needs to put a negative spin on it. Like, anything slightly positive is immediately followed by a complaint. And it feels like the author starts writing her like a normal human being at points and then remembers ‘wait, this is a teenager’ and cranks up the angst factor to make up for it.

Case in point:

It was beautiful, of course; I couldn’t deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.

It was too green — an alien planet.

It was too green. Seriously. Talk about looking for stuff to bitch about, Bella.

Also, the air filtered down greenly? I, just, I… That is one of the most awkward adverb uses I’ve read since My Immortal. Also, if the air is actually green… You probably shouldn’t breathe that shit in. Pretty sure that’s poison gas or something. ^.-

They arrive in Forks, there’s a bit of describing the house. Bella is introduced to her car and, surprisingly, she loves it. I’d say she was happy about it, but… Bella Swan is incapable of happiness. I’m not kidding.

“Wow, Dad, I love it! Thanks!” Now my horrific day tomorrow would be just
that much less dreadful.

“Thank for the car, dad! I love it! I might actually just cry myself to sleep instead of actually slashing my wrists tonight!” Spoiler alert: she does literally cry herself to sleep later.

Also, this happens while she’s describing the car, which I found… Slightly worrying. I mean… Are you alright in the head, Bella? I mean, you’re probably not, this whole book series considered, but… Whoa.

Plus, it was one of those solid iron affairs that never gets damaged — the kind you see at the scene of an accident, paint unscratched, surrounded by the pieces of the foreign car it had destroyed.

She’s seeing this car for the first time and is already imagining it amongst a pile of wreckage, fire, and I’m assuming the disembodied scattered limbs of some other driver.

Yeeeaaaaah… o.o

We move on to describe the house some more and Bella’s room and… hmph… I said I was going to be civil and I didn’t want to nitpick but… Dial-up internet? This… This book was released in 2005. Even my grandpa had better internet at this point.

Also, I don’t know who was in charge of editing this book (I literally couldn’t find it anywhere), but after reading this sentence…

The room was familiar; it had been belonged to me since I was born.

I’d like to think it was this guy:

2055363800_b7dd36c8d5

But yeah, more description, she complains about having to share a bathroom with Charlie, which, boo hoo. You’re an only child. Try sharing a bathroom with four older siblings and then we’ll talk. She describes literally everything in the house as ‘small’ in order to make it sound a lot worse than it is so we’ll see she had a point in complaining, but what she describes seems to me like a really nice house. She also says that the best thing about Charlie is his ability to leave her alone to ‘look dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let a few tears out’. Yes, it actually says that. 

I feel that if Twilight was trying to be sarcastic about how utterly emo its main character is, it might have been great satire. I mean, this is what teenagers look like to us full grown adults most of the time. Thing is… Teenagers are actually human beings. They act like shallow pieces of shit, but most of them actually aren’t. A real person in Bella’s situation would have real human emotions about this situation. They might be angry and feeling left out of their mom’s new ‘family’, they might be afraid of not being able to reconnect with their dad. Bella is sitting in this room, that she claims had been belonged to her since she was born, and she describes it like she’s seeing it for the first time even though almost nothing has changed. There is no emotional weight conveyed here. She just complains about things being small and having to share a bathroom.

I wasn’t in the mood to go on a real crying jag. I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to think about the coming morning.

Are you aware how real human emotions even function, Stephenie Meyer? I don’t want to be cruel here; in fact, keep in mind that everything in this review is me being nice, but no one does this. “Oh, I’m gonna save up my tears to have a real good cry later tonight”. Bella Swan reads like an alien who came to Earth with only some emo kid’s LiveJournal as a reference for normal human behavior. And yes; this is really the nicest way I could find to express my feelings on this character right now. Bella has no real human emotional traits and it is painfully clear that she doesn’t read like a real person. No good story can revolve around a non-character like this. *throws hands up*

We’re not even in school yet and this post is already getting long. I apologize. So let’s move on.

Bella looks at herself in the mirror and we finally get a description. Three pages after being told her mom looks like her. We could have been spared the cliche ‘looking at herself in the mirror’ scene if only she’d describe herself then.

I should be tan, sporty, blond — a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps — all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.

As someone who’s been described as ‘the whitest Brazilian I’ve ever seen’ on repeated occasions, I can attest to the fact that being born in a sunny place will not automatically give you the genetic predisposition to sport a bronzed tan. That has to do with your melanin levels. Because, you know, when you tan, that’s your body actually trying to protect you from ultraviolet radiation from the sun by increasing the melanin on your skin. If your melanin levels are too low, you will skip that step of the process entirely and just straight up get a sunburn instead. Which I often do; even though I do tan a little bit, I often get mild sunburns in the summer. Even though I’ve lived in a sunny place from birth. It’s just how the human body works. Five minutes of Google will tell you that.

Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn’t have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself — and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close.

I’m glad that Bella is not a redhead. She definitely doesn’t have the personality needed to pull it off. And, welp… As the walking disaster that I am… I can also attest to the fact that hand-eye coordination is something that you can develop with practice. I mean, I sometimes can’t nap without somehow getting hurt, but I used to play basketball and table tennis in school without killing myself or anyone around me in the process. I could also (occasionally) hit a bullseye with an arrow at a 50-70m distance. And yes, I hurt my entire arm so much learning to shoot a bow. There were not enough bracers to protect me from my own stupidity, but I did get better. By, you know, training. So… Excuses, Bells, excuses.

My skin could be pretty — it was very clear, almost translucent-looking — but it all depended on color. I had no color here

Are you an albino lizard? Because I don’t think even an albino person is so white they’re actually translucent. God, Stephenie Meyer, learn the actual meaning of words. While someone can have ‘clear skin’ and translucent is one synonym of ‘clear’, it is a not a synonym of the same definition of clear. Clear can mean ‘unblemished’, but it can also mean ‘transparent’; translucent. Bella’s skin is not fucking transparent unless it’s paper thin. In which case she should be put inside a protective bubble lest a breeze blows over and gives her internal bleeding. No joke here. Your skin exists to protect your goddamn insides and if it’s so thin you can see through it then it obviously can’t do that.

And yes, I’m aware that’s an actual term people use for when you can see veins under the skin, but they shouldn’t. Especially not in writing where people need to form mental images based on what you tell them. If you say translucent skin, this is what I imagine:

cvovdu8veaaoai2

Yes, this is a real frog. Cool right?

If you missed that description amongst my commentary, here’s a picture of Stephenie Meyer, Bella is literally her:

3766

Notice the transparent sk-… oh, wait.

Bella does have a good cry and has trouble sleeping because it’s raining. Yeah, I dunno. I actually had to Google this; because hey, I live in Brazil, but it does actually rain in Phoenix sometimes. So, I’d expect she’s at least familiar with the concept enough that it shouldn’t actually plague her sleep.

Breakfast with Charlie was a quiet event. He wished me good luck at school. I thanked him, knowing his hope was wasted. Good luck tended to avoid me.

Fucking Eeyore would tell this bitch to lighten up and he’s a clinically depressed donkey.

Sorry, that was mean and biased and stuff.

I’m trying really hard here, though, so give me a pass. >.>

Before she leaves for school we have her being a bitch to Charlie in narration some more by noticing all the school pictures her kept of her, calling them embarrassing, and thinking she needs to get him to take them down. Because him caring enough to keep all those pictures means less than nothing to her. And then this.

It was impossible, being in this house, not to realize that Charlie had never gotten over my mom. It made me uncomfortable.

So sorry your father’s heartache inconveniences you, you self-entitled robot!

I’m sorry. I’M TRYING.

*deep breath*

I’m going to try and sum this up, even though I have so much stuff highlighted in this section that the bright yellow highlight is actually hurting my eyes a little. Bella goes to school in her car. She complains about how the school doesn’t look enough like an institution and is upset there aren’t metal detectors as if metal detectors are actually a good sign when arriving at a new school. Trust me, where there are metal detectors there’s also the need for metal detectors, which means people wanting to smuggle shit past them, Bells. So… You not possibly getting shanked in the locker room; although sad news for me, is actually a good thing. -.-

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.

If this is an attempt at foreshadow, please stop. If it’s an attempt a clever humor, please stop. Whatever it is you were hoping to accomplish here, Stephenie Meyer, just stop.

She goes to the main office for information, finds different classes, meets teachers; some of them make her introduce herself, so she hates them. This.

I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher had given me. It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I’d already read everything. That was comforting… and boring. I wondered if my mom would send me my folder of old essays, or if she would think that was cheating.

First of all; of course she already read everything. What angsty teen in a romance book wouldn’t be obsessed with classic literature? Second, yes that absolutely is cheating. That said, I would much like to read an essay on Wuthering Heights written by Bella Swan. I’m pretty sure she would have some fascinating insights to share. *eye roll*

And since I am criticizing, I’ll admit that I only read A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Othello from Shakespeare and that I couldn’t get too far into Wuthering Heights if my mother’s life depended on it (sorry mom) because I was so bored with it, so… Yeah, whatever rocks your boat, Bells. No, I don’t even care what the other guys did at this point. I know they’re important, but I’m not gonna sit here like a pretentious bitch and pretend I’m versed in English Literature when we didn’t take it in school. Which is a shame, because Portuguese Literature is horrible. There are only so many pages-long epic poems about boats a person can handle, you know? But I digress.

At some point, this kid comes by and asks if she’s Isabela Swan, and offers to help her find her next class. I don’t know if you guys remember me previously stating that I didn’t understand why people like Bella so much when she’s such a bitch, but… I do now. It’s because she doesn’t actually act like a bitch, she only inner thinks horrible shitty things about people in the narrative. She’s being totally nice to this kid while in narration describing him as ‘a gangly boy with skin problems and hair black as an oil slick’ (oh, yeah, Bella is incredibly shallow btw) and calling him ‘over-helpful’ like he’s pathetic for trying to be nice.  This also happens:

“You don’t look very tan.”

“My mother is part albino.”

He studied my face apprehensively, and I sighed. It looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn’t mix. A few months of this and I’d forget how to use sarcasm.

Bells, here’s the thing about sarcastic humor; people understand you’re being sarcastic, what they don’t know is whether you’re trying to be funny or telling them off. And if you clearly don’t know the difference; you shouldn’t expect them to either. You, bitch. Nice, I’m being nice. >.>

She does this with almost literally everyone she meets. Even the people she ends up having lunch with; whose names she can barely remember because they mean less than dirt to her. Not kidding.

I forgot all their names as soon as she spoke them.

At lunch, at last, we see the Cullens. And here is Bella’s first impression of them:

They’re fucking hot as all FUCK.

What, you think I was going to bother quoting her on this? Nah. That’s basically it. I mean, she describes their every little move as unnaturally graceful and beautiful and omg I can hear angel choirs just thinking about it. But the gist of it is that: they’re hot. especially Edward. That’s it.

Now they have this little exchange where this girl starts explaining about the Cullens… They’re all adopted, fostered, some of them are dating each other which we all agree is weird, but Bella is ridiculously defensive of these extremely beautiful people she never met in the narrative, like anyone being suspicious of them makes them horrible people.

“They look a little old for foster children.”

“They are now, Jasper and Rosalie are both eighteen, but they’ve been
with Mrs. Cullen since they were eight. She’s their aunt or something
like that.”

“That’s really kind of nice — for them to take care of all those kids
like that, when they’re so young and everything.”

“I guess so,” Jessica admitted reluctantly, and I got the impression that
she didn’t like the doctor and his wife for some reason. With the glances
she was throwing at their adopted children, I would presume the reason
was jealousy. 

What other reason could there be after all? They’re beautiful so they must be unquestionably good people beyond any reprehension. Do you draw your morals from Disney Princess cartoons, Bella? I mean, come on!

“That’s Edward. He’s gorgeous, of course, but don’t waste your time. He doesn’t date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him.” She sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes. I wondered when he’d turned her down.

Bitch. Bella is a total bitch. I’m sorry, but I’m calling it for what it is this time around.

Next class; biology, she gets to sit next to Edward and he mostly either ignores her or looks her funny like she smells bad or something. Which, following the above statement she made about Jessica makes me extremely happy. Because fuck you, Bella.

After the class, she meets Mike and… I love Mike. Mike is my favorite character and I’m glad how much of a friendzoning bitch she is to him because honestly; Mike deserves better than Bella Swan. She considers him the ‘nicest person she met’, which is ridiculous because everyone was extremely nice, she just decided she wasn’t going to like them because she’s a bitch.

They have Gym together and even though Bella is not asked to participate this time we’re still graced by her bitching that she hates Gym. And after that, she goes turn in this little attendance sheet at the main office and finds Edward there trying to get out of having to take biology with her which makes her really devastated. For some reason. Like, she doesn’t know this guy and he was an absolute ass to her for no reason.

Oh yeah, he’s hot. Pft. I almost forgot.

So yeah, she’s upset and she cries on the way home. That’s the end of the chapter.

My thoughts

Do I really have to say this? I don’t like this book. At all.

It’s got some really bad grammar. Like, really bad in some places. The main character is unlikable, it makes pointless comparisons, has flowery language inconsistent with its 17-year-old narrator. I’d really like the know the name of the person who edited this. Not what publisher they worked for but the actual person who had to edit this book for mistakes. Are they even still alive? I mean, if this is the final product I don’t want to imagine what the unedited version looked like.

The fact this was published insults me as a person and a writer. Twilight’s existence and long-running success spit in the face of all my hard work because I look at it and I don’t see half of it here. I mean, Shadows Rise is behind schedule because I’m worried I can’t make the second chapter get across what I need it to. I’m worried it’s not good enough. I want it to be the absolute best I can make it. And I don’t see that kind of concern here.

Bella Swan is the epitome of lazy writing. She’s a cardboard cut out with ‘insert real character here’ written in red marker across the forehead and Stephenie Meyer’s solution to this has her self-insert Sue’s narrative put down everyone else around her in an effort (and I use that word loosely here) to make herself look even the least bit interesting. As if we wouldn’t see right through that. It’s pathetic, shameful, and foils any attempt to make her relatable.

There are two options here, looking at the end result: Either the author didn’t give a shit about this story; which makes her iredeeemably lazy, or she did and genuinely thought this was good writing; in which case she’s stupid. I’m sorry, I don’t want to flat out insult Stephenie Meyer, but unlike her audience, she’s a grown ass woman who thought this was quality literature. Fucking stupid doesn’t begin to cover that.

And remember; I’m being nice.

On the bright side? It’s inspirational.

No, I’m not being sarcastic. It really is inspirational. This book sold millions of copies and I know for fact I couldn’t write something this bad if I tried. As in, there are lines in this book I could barely look at without cringing. I would never write a Twilight. And hey, maybe that means I’ll never sell millions of books and maybe I’ll never make money, but at the same time… My name won’t be known for something like this.

It also shows me I’m worrying too much and working myself too hard. I could be lazier and people will either like my stuff or not. I’m not going to say it’s arbitrary whether you succeed, but if people just outright like the story, they probably won’t mind if it’s not as well-written as you think it should be. I’m also not saying I’m not going to put in an effort, but I think I can tone down on the obsessive perfectionism a little and maybe I’ll get through my writer’s block for good.

So, thanks, Stephenie; your laziness inspired me to become a better person. Your book is shit and I wish it never existed, but thanks for that. 😛

Is chapter two going to be better? Welp, it starts really promising.

The next day was better… and worse.

Oh, Bella… You insufferable twat. I sure do love hating you. 🙂

B.B

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