Things I’d Like To See (More) In Fiction

I’m tired and character analysis takes time and attention span (I am doing it, though). So have this nonsense instead. 😛

1) The main characters not getting together portrayed as a good thing.

“Hey, uhm, so, we’re clearly attracted to each other and I’m not gonna pretend I don’t see it, but… The world nearly got exploded, reality as we knew it is a lie, and I think we might both have PTSD. So how about you hit me up in a year or so? I’m going to find myself a good therapist. I suggest you do the same.”

2) Two friends permanently falling out without one of them turning evil

“How dare you step on my toes, Bob? FRIENDSHIP OVER!”

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that, Steve. Seeing as I’m the hero of this story, I guess you’ll be joining the bad guys now, huh?”

“What are you, stupid? Why would I do that? Those guys are psychopaths! I’m not dooming humanity because of you, you egocentric douchebag.”

“Oh. Well, then… See you on the final showdown I guess.” 😐

“Just remember that even after we triumphantly save the world… I hate you forever.”

“Fair is fair, I guess.”

3) A friend showing concern over their friend’s relationship because they’re genuinely concerned and not wanting to get in their pants

“So, uhm, Jenny, that guy you’ve been dating…”

“Ugh, Mark, can we not have this conversation again? You don’t know him the way I do.”

“The man is literally a serial killer.”

“Look, you’re my best friend, I love you like a brother… But this jealousy thing you have going just needs to stop.”

“That’s sweet. And right back at you with the best friend thing… But I’m not jealous.”

“You never like any of my boyfriends!”

“That’s because you keep dating creepy stalkers and literally fairytale monsters! Just pick a normal person, Jen! Billy from the coffee shop, maybe? I don’t know!”

“Ugh, I don’t want to date Billy. What guy just asks a girl out for coffee instead of silently staring at her from the corner for two days straight?”

“You need psychiatric help.” -.-

4) A plausible explanation for why ‘this person’ needs to save the world that doesn’t involve them being super special… Or alternatively this:

“Okay, but… Why do I have to fight the dragon? I’m a farmer. There is literally an army at your king’s disposal.”

“Well, the dragon destroyed your village and murdered your family. We’d expect you to want revenge.”

“What I want is for the authorities to do their damn job for once. That’s what I want.”

“…Well then.” 😐

5) Responsible adults

“Soo, you’ve come to tell me I’m a wizard?”

“No. I’m with child protective services. Someone has brought to our attention that you’ve been made to sleep in a cupboard for ten years?”

“Oh.”

” Mhm. ‘Fraid that’s very much against the law, son. Your aunt and uncle might be doing some prison time.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. We’ll have to place you and your cousin in custody of the state for a while.”

“Oh.”

*fake enthusiasm* “It’ll be like going on an adventure!”

Sorry, I had to. In all seriousness, though. What is up with all the straight up shitty parenting in all forms of media. Kids can’t have adventures if they have decent parents? -.-

6) Cliffhanger where character almost dies… Leading to an actual character death

“Well, Bob… Looks like we’re in a terrible situation, huh?”

“Yeah. And right when we were about to save the day too. I wonder if that asshole Steve will make it in time to save our asses…”

TO BE CONTINUED

“Hey, guys! Did I make it in time?”

“Yeah, no, Steve. We’ve been locked in this evil prison for like two months. Bob didn’t make it.”

“Oh. Awkward.”

“Yeah. Guess it’s on us now.”

“Whatever, that guy sucked anyway.”

7) Adult bullies being treated like adult bullies

“Hey, loser, you’re in my seat.”

“Uhm, no. I got here first.”

“Yeah, but this is my seat. Permaenently. I’ll kick your ass if I ever catch you in my seat again.”

“Uhm. Okay. Sure. That would be painful for me, but I’ll also have the police and a lawyer on your ass so damn fast you’ll never be able to use this or any other seat ever again. So how about you act your damn age?”

8) Common guards/soldiers who actually question their orders

“Stop right there! We have orders to arrest you on sight!”

“Okay, but you do realize that the guy ordering you around is just… Incredibly evil and about to doom the entire world, right? Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

“Hm… now that you mention it, he does monologue about his world domination plans an awful lot. And he will probably kill us all when we’re no longer useful. I might not have picked the best team here.”

“Yeah. So how about you just pretend you never saw us so you can go home and hug your children tonight?”

“That sounds like a plan.”

9) Genuine fear of death

“Okay, so… Uhm… Here we are… Final showdown.”

“Yup.”

“I wish Bob was here.”

“Oh, have you forgiven Bob, Steve? That’s great.”

“What? No. Screw that guy. I just don’t want to die here. I have a wife. And kids. Who’s going to support them if I die here? You? Bob was supposed to do this shit, I was just tagging along.”

“Uhm… Steve… Are you okay there, bud?”

“I wanna go home.” -.-

10) Straight up horrible plans that fail horribly

“Okay, so… Maybe storming the evil wizard’s castle completely unprepared for battle and demanding he ‘cut that shit out’ wasn’t the best idea.”

“It was Bob’s plan, he was the leader… for some reason… We never really questioned it.”

“God damn it, Bob. Even in death, you’re an asshole.”

B.B

 

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