No, this isn’t going to be one of those posts where I self-loathe-myself and wonder why I’m even doing this writing thing. Halt your eye-rolls right there. I mean it. I’m actually in a very good emotional state where my writing is concerned.
Why did I dare call myself a terrible writer on this post title then?
Because, for all effects and purposes, regardless of how I feel, that is technically true.
No matter how much I improve or how far I progress and how many people come to enjoy or, dare I say, praise my work in the future. To someone, somewhere, I’ll be a terrible writer. Someone, somewhere, is going to hate my inability; or unwillingness, to provide clear villains. Someone is going to hate my morally questionable characters, my floaty as heck “I can’t decide if this is omniscient or not” narrative, my stupid out of nowhere silly moments in otherwise serious scenes that you can read and know, for sure, I was laughing at myself like an idiot while writing, my love for sad flashbacks involving a character’s dead relative, the way I clearly don’t write with a defined ‘bigger picture’ scenario in mind 99.9% of the time… How vocabulary and my grammar need ridiculous amounts of work. Especially my stupid grammar. Fucks sake is my grammar shit.
I also don’t know how to edit to the point where my self-edited work will always look like a barely-polished
turd draft and not a finished piece. I have no real understanding of structure and my pacing is shit sometimes.
Bottom line: I could fill a book of all the filthy writing habits I may never be able to completely ween out, or that have turned into guilty pleasures I have no intention of giving up. I’m sure someone would hate that too. And it would probably sell because people tend to be entertained when I torture myself *points are her ‘still somehow getting daily views’ fan fic commentary posts*
And these are all reasons Shadows Rise is not going to be the best-written thing you ever read. If you happen to be so kind as to check it out when I release it and start begging you all to ‘please please please look at this thing I did’ a few months from now.
And you may be thinking that it’s stupid of me to be saying this when, as a writer who wants to be read, I should be ‘selling my work’ and portraying it in a positive light always. Thing is, I’m shit at that too and I’m not gonna lie to you guys or anyone else. Shadows Rise is not a polished novel. Right now I’m not a good enough writer to produce anything that I may consider polished-novel-material. Shadows Rise is as web serial based on a roleplay and written in less than a year (you know, taking away the months I was unable to work on it at all). It’s going to be self-edited by me; the non-editor, and chock-full of all the little ‘wrong things’ that I love.
Because here’s the thing; there’s a lot of things my writing is not, but it definitely is, and always will be, 100% me. Right now, this is who am, so this is what I have to offer. It’s not perfect and it may even be a bumpy ride as far as quality goes, but it is undoubtedly my best.
And right now you may be thinking “You said you weren’t self-loathing yourself. This sounds really defensive”. Eeeh… Yes and no. I’m not loathing myself and I’m not defending myself either. In fact, of all the people who’ve read early drafts of SR, most had really positive things to say. And the ones who didn’t also provided me with valuable criticism that I was very grateful to receive. No one has hated on this and I don’t expect anyone to hate on this. I’m not justifying myself and being like “I’mma be me” or “haters gonna hate” or whatever the fuck kids are memeing these days.
The point I’m trying to make, in my usual rambling way, is that I’m comfortable being terrible right now because I’m not stagnant. I’m improving. I’m just improving at a pace where I have to accept my shortcomings in order to publish something. Or I won’t. Valcrest is turning seven years old this month. I’m not stalling this for seven more so that I can feel more capable. I’m diving the fuck in and learning as I go.
And if I ever feel able to produce a polished-novel-worthy work, I’m sure someone, somewhere, will think it’s shit. Because of course. 😛
TL;DR: The moral of the story is, as I’ve stated a few times before on this blog, just write it. Keep learning. Improve always. Never settle. But write it anyway.