I know it’s been a while. December is a busy month; as I’m sure it is for everyone. The Holidays are drawing near, the year is coming to an end and all that. I’ve been great this year compared to the previous two. I’d say I’m running on 90% of my mental capacity now whereas in 2016 if I managed 10% I’d call it a ‘good day’. I made a lyric video for a song I’ve been obsessing over lately, so allow me to set the mood with it:
I’ve been wanting to make a post about writing grieving characters because a) I hate some ways people go about this and b) I’m dealing with a lot of that in Shadows Rise right now and will do plenty more in the future, so; relevant.
And I will get to that post eventually. I’m not going to cram writing advice in the middle of an update post. That’s clumsy even for me. I do want to talk about, you know, how I’m stuck in this one particular scene in the current chapter I’m working. And, after last night, I think I figured out why. It’s… Uh… It’s hitting a bit closer to home than I’d like.
I know that I talk a lot about how emotionally invested I can get in my characters, but this is different because it’s something I’m still going through myself in a way. I don’t know about everyone by there are certain levels of realization for me when it comes to losing someone and the worse of it is when everything starts going back to normal; when in my mind it becomes accepted and okay that this person no longer exists in my life. Because that tends to put me in this weird place where I want to hold on to grief. I want to keep this empty space in my heart because it shouldn’t be okay. Because moving on also means you can never really go back. It’s closing the door and putting something in the past. You can look at it from a window; through a glass pane, but you can’t reach out and touch it anymore.
Ugh. I don’t know if I’m making sense, but fuck it. Emotions are complicated.
I decided to make that video last night at around 2 am, because I’d been listening to this song a lot lately and I wanted lyrics. While I was working on it, it dawned on me that trying to write this for my character while I’m still somewhat going through it myself is what’s giving me trouble.
It’s been over a year since my grandfather died and, yeah, I’m still coping with it. His death meant closing the door on a lot of good things in my life. It meant losing a great deal of support, it meant selling the house where I spent a lot of summers since childhood, it meant losing Christmas traditions that have existed since before I was even alive… And don’t get me wrong, we have plans for Christmas, I’m actually excited about them, but a part of me just doesn’t want to be. A part of me doesn’t think it’s right to be.
A tiny part of me still wants to curl up like a child and convince itself this change doesn’t really have to happen.
I swear I’m not as depressed as it sounds, lol. I think… I just need to get through this chapter.
But yeah… How’s December going for you guys so far? 😛
In any case, see you all when I see you.