Twilight Review: Chapter 02

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Disclaimer: I’m not a professional critic. This is strictly my (clearly biased) opinion and if you like this book; hey, good for you. Don’t read this unless you know you can take a punch and laugh about it. Also… Strong language ahead probably. I hate Twilight with a fury.

Twins help me. It’s this thing again. *sigh* Usually I’d say something like ‘better late than never’, but this is Twilight. I’m not fooling anyone with that.

Still… A promise is a promise is a promise. And I agreed to do this. When things are a little more stable concerning doing actual work and producing better-written things than this tripe, I’ll try to get these chapter reviews out more frequently. After all, we have a lot of ground to cover in this goddamn series.

The bright side is, I talked to the friend who asked me to do this and she agreed that asking me to be ‘nice’ about it was too much. She changed that term of our agreement to ‘be objective’, which as much as I curse this book, I always try my hardest to be. So no problem there.

I still need to try and point out a positive at the end of each chapter though. So. Ha. 😐

With that out of the way, let’s move on to Twilight chapter two, expertly titled…

Open Book.

Okay, whatever, I’m not good enough at titles to properly express my thoughts on that.

I’m moving on.

What Happens

Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. -.-

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Have You Heard Of Our Lord And Savior Plotist?

If you haven’t, oh buddy, let me open your eyes to something that’s going to make your writing life 20x easier.

Now, before you get mad at me for sounding like a freaking infomercial or something, let me tell you that anything I say here I’m saying from experience. I found Plotist way back last year when I started thinking about going into Shadows Rise.

Because this story takes place decades before the main story and encompasses events that greatly influence the main storyline, the first thing I decided I needed was to build a timeline. I needed to be able to keep track of what happens when so that I didn’t somehow destroy the entire series with my silly pantser ways.

In order to build a proper timeline, I went around looking for software or apps that would help me keep things organized. Because, as you may know, I’m terrible at it.

Plotist was a result of that search.

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Disney Revisited Part 03 – Dumbo (1941)

Movie Title: Dumbo

Release Date: October 23, 1941

Based On: Dumbo by Helen Aberson and Harold Pearl

First Impression

I was really, really young when I first saw this movie and it honestly made no impression on me. I mean, I vaguely remembered it being cute and that was about it.

My Impression Now

I’m not sure what to think of this one. It feels like such a step back in terms of… Everything… compared to Snow White and Pinocchio. And seeing as it came out following something like Fantasia (a movie that I honestly couldn’t place on this list, but I will come back to eventually), it’s so unbelievably underwhelming. The music feels so incredibly dull and generic that it even pales in comparison to When You Wish Upon a Star; which you may recall I referred to as boring in my review of Pinocchio. The animation style looks much older than something like Snow White. This is especially apparent in the sections with the circus train. The way the train moves honestly made m think back to that Steamboat Mickey Mouse cartoon from 1928. Overall, while there was such love and attention to detail pouring out of every single frame of the previous entries in this series, Dumbo honestly feels… Very half-assed. :/

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Twilight Review: Preface + Chapter 01

[First (you are here!)] [Next]

Disclaimer: I’m not a professional critic. This is strictly my (clearly biased) opinion and if you like this book; hey, good for you. Don’t read this unless you know you can take a punch and laugh about it. Also, I tried not to curse but failed, so… Strong language ahead.

Alright. I’m doing this. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!? >.<

Sorry, guys, that was just a personal message for the dear, dear, friend who bribed me to do this for her. -.-

I’m not going to do much introduction to this. Everyone is sick of knowing what Twilight is and it’s not much of a secret that I hate it with the fire and fury of a thousand suns.

That said, I gave my word that I would be as fair as I possibly can about this book and I meant it. I don’t want this review series to turn into a rage induced rant (we already have NITWIT for that, don’t we? -.-). Because, in all honesty, the first time I read this book I was so angry with it I spent an entire afternoon ranting about it to Wifey over IMs and then in person to another friend who was sitting next to me enjoying the spectacle of smoke coming out of my ears. I was so angry that I decided not to read the rest of the series for my own sake and that of everyone around me. That was a good number of years ago., though, and I would like to think I’ve matured since then and can now go through this without completely losing my shit.

Time will tell, I guess.

It’s the first time I do a chapter-by-chapter review so, I’m going to give a very short summary of what happens in the chapter, then break it down by quoting certain ‘notable’ passages and talking about them, then finally I’ll give my final thoughts. Since a requirement for this review is that I find a positive in each chapter, I’ll leave that part last. You know, to end on a positive note. Or something. *groans* UghI’malreadyregrettingthis.

Let’s begin! -.-

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In This World and the Next Chapter 05 Part 01 (With Commentary)

[First] [Previous] [Next (Coming Soon Maybe)]

Welp. This goes into the part of this fic I haven’t previously read. So I’m more than prepared to lose whatever’s left of my cool. Yeah. You thought I was angry before? You guys better hang on to something, because it’s all new for me at this point.

Since I will be reviewing Twilight chapter by chapter soon, I feel like going into this might help not hate that experience so much. Because this literally makes me angrier than even Twilight has. And that’s a goddamn feat.

Also, back when I started My Immortal, I used to do several posts in one night and then schedule them. These chapters are so long and they piss me off so much that it takes me a week to get through one half. :/

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Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 02 (With Commentary)

[First] [Next (Coming soon!)]

Hey, guys! Been a while, I know. I had a sinus infection, was on medication for a while and now my sleep schedule is a bit fucked so I’m trying to get back into the habit of sleeping at night like a normal person. It’s being a bit tough. -.-

Looking at my stats for the past couple days, I see that someone binge read all my fan fic commentary posts and… Buddy, if you reading this: I’m really, really, sorry. I hope you’re still somewhat mentally stable. o.O

And with that said… Oh, boy. Shit is gonna get weird this chapter!

*Warning for: Nudity, inappropriateness, and just being fucking weird as hell.*

Nothing too mentally scarring yet, but I would advise not reading this where people might come up and read over your shoulder, lest you end up having to explain some shit.  😛

Seriously. >.>

Let’s get started!

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Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 01 (With Commentary)

[First (you’re here!] [Next]

[WARNING: This fanfiction is R-Rated for violence and sexual conduct. And for once, it’s really not kidding. First chapter is pretty boring, though, so don’t worry about gouging out your eyes today. :P]

Hey, guys! I don’t know if I’m going to make this into a series or not, but… Heh. I decided I needed a palate cleanser in-between NITWIT posts or I would just grow increasingly angry and thus make increasingly shitty commentary. I’ve been asked to do this fic back when I was doing the My Immortal Vs. Christan Potter thing and I said I wasn’t gonna do it, but after what I’ve been through lately; why the fuck not.

Some information on this fic:

It was written between Goblet of Fire and Order of The Phoenix. It thus follows events from two other fan fic series which I have not read, but based on this one… I’m gonna go on a limb and say were pretty dumb. Nonetheless they are “Mists of Time” by Nightfall and “The Psychic Serpent Trilogy” by Barb Purdom.

I’ve never read too far into this the first times I tried because I was honestly bored with it, but… People keep telling me it’s the most disgusting Potter fic they’ve ever read. So don’t think my eye gouging comment up there was a joke. If I continue with this, you better heed every warning I give, and follow through at your own risk. A rule to follow in life is that if I call something disturbing on this blog, you better freaking listen for the sake of your sanity.

The author’s name is ‘Neil’. I’m sure he’s a… Fascinating individual… >.>

Let’s get on with this thing…

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Why NITWIT Pisses Me Off So Much

The friend who recommended me In This World and the Next for the fan fic commentary series asked me why it pisses me off so much. They honestly didn’t expect me to be so deeply insulted by this fic. And you know what, I get what they’re saying. I exaggerated a lot of my anger with School of Prayer and Miracles. And I actually love the stupidity of My Immortal; that’s not a secret to anyone.

I could write a lengthy essay about why this fic is so horrible to me, but I’m going to sum it up with “blatant contempt for the source material” and, mind you, misrepresenting characters annoys me, but I can get over it. Weird alternate Universes where everyone is an FBI agent for some reason (yes, really, I’ve seen it); totally fine. It’s a little bit blasphemous, but it’s for the sake of entertainment. Making a story to rewrite the original plot is delving into dangerous territory, though. And the sad thing is; it can be done pretty well. Doom and I actually discussed how this could be done pretty darn well, but… NITWIT makes every character who isn’t suddenly irredeemably evil, into a mouthpiece for everything this author thinks is wrong with the series. That’s all it is. And I’m sorry, but calling yourself a fan of Harry Potter and constantly treating its entire plot and characters like shit… Bothers me intensely. For what I read of this fic so far, everyone and I mean EVERYONE who’s ever befriended or helped Harry; save a chosen few, did so with some ulterior motive. No one actually liked him save those chosen few. And Harry himself is such a narcissist piece of shit, he doesn’t care whose lives he ruins in the process of bending the events of his past completely to his will. And guess what? This makes it so he isn’t the hero of the story anymore because he’s the one causing the majority of the harm to innocent characters. Because these people haven’t done any of the wrongful things Harry is getting them back for.

Honestly, guys, I started this commentary series saying I wasn’t going to be harsh with the author, but I don’t know if I can keep that promise anymore. :/

As a little bonus, lemme show you guys something, because pictures speak louder than words sometimes…


These are my original copies of Chamber of Secrets, The Philosopher’s Stone, and Goblet of Fire respectively (Prisoner of Azkaban was unfortunately lost in a book donation mix-up some years ago >.>). Do you see how utterly destroyed they are? And no, that’s not because I don’t take care of my books. Philosopher’s Stone was my birthday gift when I turned eleven, it’s 16 years old, but… My Lord of The Rings trilogy (and The Hobbit) are only a couple of years younger and equally loved, but they’re perfectly intact:

The reason for that is that I’ve read the Harry Potter series an INSANE amount of times. Considering how long I’ve had these books and how I’d often finish the most recent book and then just start the series over… The four first books; the ones that are looking most trashed, we’re probably read over 200 times. Easily.

So, you see, I love this series. I’m not a fanatic to the point where I can’t look at it objectively. I’ve done that countless times. And I sure can handle a bit of parody and a lot of weirdness when it comes to fan fiction; as you know, but certain things cross a bit of a line with me.

My Immortal took a piss on Dumbledore and Snape and Hagrid and… ‘Volximort’, but it had that childish ‘all adults are horrible’ mentality that just made it all so… Oddly enough, endearing. NITWIT doesn’t have its own canon where things are different from the books. It’s pretty much saying “this is how I see these characters” and that pisses me off.

So yeah. There’s plenty more I can say, but I’m only 4 chapters into this thing. There are 26 of them, if I recall correctly, so there’ll be plenty of opportunities along the way, I’m sure.

Til then… 

Later, guys!