Late Night Wattpad Exploration pt. 01: Nicholas Cage

Yes, you read the title correctly. Nicholas Cage.

Dropping my Harry Potter fan fiction series left a giant badfic-shaped hole on this blog that longs to be filled. And it might not be for quite a while. See, there is a fine balance a fan fiction needs to achieve in order to be great commentary material. It needs to soul-drainingly terrible, but have enough substance so that I’ll have something to say about it. If it’s literally just shit grammar and poorly handled smut that sort of just… Takes care of itself… It doesn’t require my input. That’s what made My Immortal so iconic. Not only was it terrible on its own, but it had room for so many questions to be asked about literally everything. This doesn’t happen with every bad fic. NITWIT wasn’t nearly as fun to do; it mostly just infuriating. And Hogwarts Exposed was just gross. They weren’t great fics, even as far as badfics go to begin with. It’s not a great loss to discontinue them, but still.. They left behind a void.

And for now, I decided that random Wattpad scavenging is going to stand-in for those. At least until I come across something worthy of another commentary series. In order to choose a starting point for this, I took to Twitter and asked people to give me a random celebrity to look up on Wattpad. The very first suggestion I got was Nicholas Cage.

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In This World and the Next Chapter 05 Part 01 (With Commentary)

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Welp. This goes into the part of this fic I haven’t previously read. So I’m more than prepared to lose whatever’s left of my cool. Yeah. You thought I was angry before? You guys better hang on to something, because it’s all new for me at this point.

Since I will be reviewing Twilight chapter by chapter soon, I feel like going into this might help not hate that experience so much. Because this literally makes me angrier than even Twilight has. And that’s a goddamn feat.

Also, back when I started My Immortal, I used to do several posts in one night and then schedule them. These chapters are so long and they piss me off so much that it takes me a week to get through one half. :/

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Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 02 (With Commentary)

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Hey, guys! Been a while, I know. I had a sinus infection, was on medication for a while and now my sleep schedule is a bit fucked so I’m trying to get back into the habit of sleeping at night like a normal person. It’s being a bit tough. -.-

Looking at my stats for the past couple days, I see that someone binge read all my fan fic commentary posts and… Buddy, if you reading this: I’m really, really, sorry. I hope you’re still somewhat mentally stable. o.O

And with that said… Oh, boy. Shit is gonna get weird this chapter!

*Warning for: Nudity, inappropriateness, and just being fucking weird as hell.*

Nothing too mentally scarring yet, but I would advise not reading this where people might come up and read over your shoulder, lest you end up having to explain some shit.  😛

Seriously. >.>

Let’s get started!

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Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 01 (With Commentary)

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[WARNING: This fanfiction is R-Rated for violence and sexual conduct. And for once, it’s really not kidding. First chapter is pretty boring, though, so don’t worry about gouging out your eyes today. :P]

Hey, guys! I don’t know if I’m going to make this into a series or not, but… Heh. I decided I needed a palate cleanser in-between NITWIT posts or I would just grow increasingly angry and thus make increasingly shitty commentary. I’ve been asked to do this fic back when I was doing the My Immortal Vs. Christan Potter thing and I said I wasn’t gonna do it, but after what I’ve been through lately; why the fuck not.

Some information on this fic:

It was written between Goblet of Fire and Order of The Phoenix. It thus follows events from two other fan fic series which I have not read, but based on this one… I’m gonna go on a limb and say were pretty dumb. Nonetheless they are “Mists of Time” by Nightfall and “The Psychic Serpent Trilogy” by Barb Purdom.

I’ve never read too far into this the first times I tried because I was honestly bored with it, but… People keep telling me it’s the most disgusting Potter fic they’ve ever read. So don’t think my eye gouging comment up there was a joke. If I continue with this, you better heed every warning I give, and follow through at your own risk. A rule to follow in life is that if I call something disturbing on this blog, you better freaking listen for the sake of your sanity.

The author’s name is ‘Neil’. I’m sure he’s a… Fascinating individual… >.>

Let’s get on with this thing…

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Why NITWIT Pisses Me Off So Much

The friend who recommended me In This World and the Next for the fan fic commentary series asked me why it pisses me off so much. They honestly didn’t expect me to be so deeply insulted by this fic. And you know what, I get what they’re saying. I exaggerated a lot of my anger with School of Prayer and Miracles. And I actually love the stupidity of My Immortal; that’s not a secret to anyone.

I could write a lengthy essay about why this fic is so horrible to me, but I’m going to sum it up with “blatant contempt for the source material” and, mind you, misrepresenting characters annoys me, but I can get over it. Weird alternate Universes where everyone is an FBI agent for some reason (yes, really, I’ve seen it); totally fine. It’s a little bit blasphemous, but it’s for the sake of entertainment. Making a story to rewrite the original plot is delving into dangerous territory, though. And the sad thing is; it can be done pretty well. Doom and I actually discussed how this could be done pretty darn well, but… NITWIT makes every character who isn’t suddenly irredeemably evil, into a mouthpiece for everything this author thinks is wrong with the series. That’s all it is. And I’m sorry, but calling yourself a fan of Harry Potter and constantly treating its entire plot and characters like shit… Bothers me intensely. For what I read of this fic so far, everyone and I mean EVERYONE who’s ever befriended or helped Harry; save a chosen few, did so with some ulterior motive. No one actually liked him save those chosen few. And Harry himself is such a narcissist piece of shit, he doesn’t care whose lives he ruins in the process of bending the events of his past completely to his will. And guess what? This makes it so he isn’t the hero of the story anymore because he’s the one causing the majority of the harm to innocent characters. Because these people haven’t done any of the wrongful things Harry is getting them back for.

Honestly, guys, I started this commentary series saying I wasn’t going to be harsh with the author, but I don’t know if I can keep that promise anymore. :/

As a little bonus, lemme show you guys something, because pictures speak louder than words sometimes…


These are my original copies of Chamber of Secrets, The Philosopher’s Stone, and Goblet of Fire respectively (Prisoner of Azkaban was unfortunately lost in a book donation mix-up some years ago >.>). Do you see how utterly destroyed they are? And no, that’s not because I don’t take care of my books. Philosopher’s Stone was my birthday gift when I turned eleven, it’s 16 years old, but… My Lord of The Rings trilogy (and The Hobbit) are only a couple of years younger and equally loved, but they’re perfectly intact:

The reason for that is that I’ve read the Harry Potter series an INSANE amount of times. Considering how long I’ve had these books and how I’d often finish the most recent book and then just start the series over… The four first books; the ones that are looking most trashed, we’re probably read over 200 times. Easily.

So, you see, I love this series. I’m not a fanatic to the point where I can’t look at it objectively. I’ve done that countless times. And I sure can handle a bit of parody and a lot of weirdness when it comes to fan fiction; as you know, but certain things cross a bit of a line with me.

My Immortal took a piss on Dumbledore and Snape and Hagrid and… ‘Volximort’, but it had that childish ‘all adults are horrible’ mentality that just made it all so… Oddly enough, endearing. NITWIT doesn’t have its own canon where things are different from the books. It’s pretty much saying “this is how I see these characters” and that pisses me off.

So yeah. There’s plenty more I can say, but I’m only 4 chapters into this thing. There are 26 of them, if I recall correctly, so there’ll be plenty of opportunities along the way, I’m sure.

Til then… 

Later, guys!


In This World and the Next Chapter 03 part 02 (With Commentary)

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Hey guys, been a while, huh?

Sorry this took so long, but this one really bugged me and… I was having trouble giving better commentary than just… Angry rants. As much as I do often angrily rant, I actually try to be sensible in my commentary, but this one was too difficult. So I had to stop and take some time off. Coming back to it, it wasn’t much better, so I’m sorry if the commentary for this part isn’t so great, but I just have to push through it if I want to move forward with this series.

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In This World and the Next Chapter 02, part 01 (With Commentary)

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As you can see by the title, I decided to split these chapters. I didn’t do this with the first one because I needed to get to the point where they travel back in time in one go, or else you wouldn’t be able to grasp the exact kind of insanity we’re dealing with here.

I cut this chapter off in a very specific place too, just to instill Doom with an extra sense of dread (you’ll see what I mean XP). I’m not sure yet if I’ll do the rest of it in one go or make the whole chapter a 3-parter. I’ll see about it when I get there.

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