10 – All The Harry Potter Movies
I decided to start with this because… Well… THESE MOVIES PISS ME OFF!!!!
Hollywood is Hollywood and fine they’re going to mess shit up when they adapt books into film. I hate that, but I’ve accepted it by now. The reason I hate these movies is that their character development is shit. It’s absolute shit. Now, Harry was never my favorite character in the books. He was not even in my top ten in fact (that’s a different post though). But I at least liked him. In the movies I just… Nothing him.
It’s like they gave every character, save five or six, the Bella Swan treatment and made them so bland that viewers didn’t care how much screen time was taken away from them to show off all the pretty special effects.
I also hate Dumbledore in all these movies. In the first three movies he’s just meh and from Goblet of Fire onward he’s fucking INSANE.
I won’t even get started on Goblet of Fire or we’ll be here all day…
THEY FUCKING SHOWED VOLDEMORT’S AGENT IN THE BEGINNING OF THE FUCKING MOVIE!!!!! GAAAAAH!!!!
*breaks all the furniture*
AND IT WAS DAVID TENNANT!!!
With that out of the way….
09) American Beauty
I was a little young when I first watched this movie, so I put it on a ‘rewatch in a few years’ list. And you know what… I still hate this goddamn movie. It’s trying to be deep, but it’s just boring. It’s boring for the sake of being boring. Not to mention it’s just some pretentious attempt at forcing the viewer to question their own mortality.
It’s not artsy. It’s not deep. It just sucks.
08) Dead Poet’s Society
I love Robin Williams. I always will love Robin Williams. I just feel the need to say this because he’ll be on this list again. Yeah.
I was annoyed out of my fucking mind by his character in this movie. I remember I was chatting with Wifey while watching it and we disagreed on this; which is common, but I mentioned if I had teacher like that I would be annoyed as hell. My favorite teachers in school and the ones I was actually good friends with were the strictest teachers we had. The ones everyone hated. One of them, our biology teacher in 7th and 8th grades, actually scared the living shit out of people. And you know what? He was a pretty stand up guy.
Anyway, that’s mostly the reason why the quirky ‘doesn’t do things by the book’ teacher stereotypes in movies piss me off. Because it’s exaggerated and gimmicky as all freaking hell… Tearing pages off of books and standing on desks… It’s over dramatic bullshit. I’ve been inspired by teachers who loved what they did, who encouraged us to think and speak up and apply different perspectives to the world around us. All of that is great, I agree… But here’s the thing; there’s no reason why a teacher can’t do that by the rules. There’s no reason why being inspiring needs to be a rebellious act.
I’ve spent so much time on the teacher here, and I haven’t actually gotten to the part that makes me hate this movie… Robert Sean Leonard’s character.
Spoilers if you haven’t seen the movie… But I think I was the last person on the planet who hadn’t seen it yet when I finally got to it, so eh.
You guys know suicide is a trigger subject for me and… Well, fuck this movie.
Basically SRL’s dad wants him to go to military school and Harvard to become a doctor, but he’s an artist. He’s sensitive. All he wants to do is be an actor. And because his father is a strict asshole and the only teacher he listens to in school says things like “we’re all worm food, lads” he thinks that the only way to deal with this situation is shoot himself dead.
And they romanticize that fucking scene as hell. They romanticize it and don’t even have the guts to show him dead, because death is beautiful and poetic apparently and showing a kid with his brain blown off his skull might distract from that.
I didn’t care for that character, I can’t even remember his name. Neil, maybe? He wasn’t sensitive; I’m sensitive, he was a pussy. And I put up with it because I was expecting this great act of rebellion from him in the movie’s climax, like standing up to his father maybe, but nooo… That’s not what sensitive people do. Sensitive people are emotionally tortured twats who over dramatize everything so if you raise your voice to one of those precious little snowflakes you’re not trying to secure their future you’re killing them. Tough love kills, adults of the world! Just let your children do whatever the fuck they want!
Yes, the movie is pointing its finger at the father with this. Despite the fact that he actually asked his idiot son to verbalize his goddamn feelings. Since he didn’t do it with enough tact, I assume, the little whiny bitch was all like “nothing” and went off to his tragic untimely death. Why couldn’t he wait until he was 18 and just go be an actor? Get a crappy job, starve a little, and go live your dream, kid. Once you’re a legal adult there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Beats the hell out of dying!
Do you know who did this plot line better? Cold Case. Do you know that show about this detective that specializes in investigating really old cases? That show had an episode who did this a thousand times better, but I’ve dedicated a bit too much time to this one entry, so I’ll actually do a follow up post later or tomorrow about Cold Case and that particular episode. It’s worth a good thorough mention.
07) Patch Adams
Since we’re on a roll here with Robin Williams… Again, I love Robin Williams, but good God this movie!
Now, I’ll admit I liked this movie at first because I was a kid when I first watched it. The problems arose when I realized that Patch Adams is a real person. I didn’t quite believe that guy was an actual living doctor so I looked him up and I read about his life and his work and from that moment I could never really enjoy this movie again.
Looking at it with an adult mind… If this was strictly a work of fiction and a comedy I would still be eating it up til this day. As a biographic movie I find it stupid and as a drama I think it simply fails.
They never show him work, they never show him study, they don’t have him show any respect for the institution of medicine as a whole at any point, he’s just a clown in a white coat standing up to the authorities and their conventional way of doing things. Just like that time he was just a really inspiring teacher standing up to the auth-… No, really, I swear… I love Robin Williams. (I’m gonna have to make a favorite Robin Williams movie list after this)>.>
Admittedly Patch Adams is a clown, and a doctor; therefore he wears a white coat maybe, but he’s a man who studied and worked and quoting his own website “read thousands of books” to gain understanding in order to find solutions. He created a vision of what the ideal medical care should be and devoted his life into building it into reality. He didn’t just stroll into med school and said “PEOPLE NEED TO LAAAAUGH”.
I don’t think the movie was ill-intentioned though, don’t get me wrong. I just think it focused way too much on the laughs while at the same time trying to push the real Patch’s ideals and make you feel. I think it needed to choose whether it wanted to be funny or dramatic and just gone with that. It’s also not the best written thing, character-wise, but I won’t go too much into that.
Here‘s the website for the Gesundheit Institute by the way, if you guys want to read up on their work or make a donation. I support them through Amazon Smile, although I’m not sure I’ve actually given them any money, considering my purchases on Amazon are only a couple dollars worth at a time, but hey… I don’t plan to be poor forever damn it. >.>
Oh, look another movie poorly depicting real life people who actually live and actually died on a real life tragedy that actually happened!
Let’s set aside all the things I hate about the story here and let’s ask ourselves one thing; WHY?
If you read up on it, or heck if you’re too lazy just look up movie reviews on YouTube, you’ll get a list of incredible feats by the crew and passengers of the real Titanic that are not even alluded in passing during the ridiculous fucking long duration of this film and are in turn A HELL OF A LOT MORE INTERESTING. I would much rather learn about those people than wasting hours of my life with that lovey dovey forced romance overdone a million times…. BULLSHIT of a story! So, there lies the question… WHY?
Okay, well, maybe they just wanted to make a love story set on the Titanic and not have the movie be about the Titanic. Weeell… DON’T CALL IT TITANIC!!!
And write a better love story. I mean honestly… At least I got a laugh out of Twilight this was just fucking boring as hell. I’m not joking, given a choice I would rather watch Twilight. At least it doesn’t try to pretend it’s a good movie.
05) Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood
I’ll give this movie one thing… It’s got some actually great convincing archery. I can’t say that about a lot of movies, although I cut most of them some slack.
Aside from that… I never thought I’d be this bored by Robin Hood. I blame the casting for this. Russel Crowe is a terrible actor. I don’t remember one role of his… I literally don’t remember one role of his right now, other than Gladiator. and he wasn’t that great in Gladiator, I mean Joaquin Phoenix was the great performance of that movie to me because he’s so down right hilarious as a villain.
But I digress.
Robin Hood was, the way I picture a charismatic guy, the Prince of Thieves, his gang was called The Merry Men for fucks sake. Russel Crowe is…
Another thing… Uh… He’s too old. It’s just a fact, okay? Both him and Cate Blanchett are too old to be portraying Robin and Marion if this is their beginning, their origin story. For medieval standards she not so much Lady Marion as she’s Old Maid Marion at this point in her life. People hardly lived to be as old as those two were in that movie. There, I said it; they’re just too old.
Best portrayal of Robin Hood ever in my opinion? Disney’s.
This dude is about 200 times more expressive than Russel Crowe at any given moment.
04) Moulin Rouge
I’m gonna get this out of the way right now and admit that I like this song:
I’m not proud of it, but I’m not gonna lie either.
I’ll tell you though that I know there are three reasons why I like this song 1) I had never heard the original, b) Pink is in it and I freaking love her, c) I was brainwashed by how many time it played everywhere before the movie came out. There are no other reasons for me to like this. Hey, it’s a guilty pleasure, I own up to it. Not by a far the most embarrassing one of them either.
That out of the way. Moulin Rouge was Titanic with even worse acting and terrible, terrible versions of many songs I love. It never stood a chance with me. There was no way in hell I was ever going to enjoy this movie. And you know what? I was hopeful when I saw the trailer and the premise. For me to enjoy a musical though… It has to be a fucking amazing musical. Maybe I’ll do a post about that at some point… Musicals I actually like. (Spoiler: The Sound of Music… Not that it’s much of a spoiler, who doesn’t love that movie? I remember my mom making me watch it for the first time and actually trying to hate it. It can’t be done. >.>).
FUCK YOU OBI WAN! >.<
This… *sigh* I have gotten crap for not liking this movie. I’ll tell you, Wifey was the only person I’ve been able to reasonably discuss this with and even so I’m not sure I explained well my reasons for not liking this movie when we did talk about it. Because she really, really, likes it too and I wanted to respect that. I don’t usually pick on movies people like unless they try to force me into enjoying it. I usually just leave it at ‘meh, not for me’.
I have only one issue with Avatar, but it’s great enough to make me hate it. It’s not like Titanic or Moulin Rouge either. I don’t consider it un-watchable, I mean it’s a visually stunning movie and the morals, despite overdone to death, eh…. are something I’m sorta okay with, but… And that’s true with a lot of ‘heartfelt movies’ that I can’t like… I don’t like when stories tell me how I should feel and don’t explain why.
The villain side of this movie is way too one dimensional. I mean, the human race is there because they need this ‘stuff’ and even though I’ve seen this movie a hundred times by now I can barely remember what it is; that kind of makes my point here, and they have to relocate the Na’vi to get it, but they won’t leave.
The humans can’t or won’t negotiate and it’s very, very, hammered in how much humanity is the bad guy here. The greedy, evil humans. The only character who seems to struggle with his ideals is Giovanni Ribisi’s character at some points, everyone else is literally too okay with trying to annihilate this seemingly peaceful race or way too quick to turn their backs on their own kind because ‘oh no, this is EVIL’. There are no individuals in this movie, there’s just ‘bad guys’ and ‘good guys’.
That bothers me a lot. It needed more depth. It needed to give me room to draw my own conclusions and have my own feelings without feeling manipulated. I don’t like to feel manipulated.
And honestly, I wanted to love this movie. The visuals really are stunning and I appreciate the amount of time and care James Cameron put in to this project and how much he waited for it to be technologically possible, I just… I just wish the story was as good as everything else. And to me the story is the main ingredient. So there we have it. I hate Avatar.
02) Mamma Mia!
I don’t hate ABBA; although I hate one of their songs A LOT. And Mamma Mia! did help discover that some of the songs I love were theirs, which I didn’t know because the versions I knew were covers, so something good came out of it I guess. I also love Meryl Streep and I wasn’t really expecting much of this movie story-wise to begin with.
Even with my low expectations, I was surprised at how disappointed I was with this movie. It’s just… Horrible.
There are people I love in this film. Christine Baransky, Colin Firth… And yet, it’s just so dull. When they aren’t singing there’s no substance and when they are… weeell… Most of the time it’s okay; not great, but okay. And then there’s Pierce Brosnan.
Don’t feel obligated to listen to the whole thing, but if you never heard it, just take a small listen, it’s a bit shocking the first time.
Yikes, man! And this pissed me off because this is one of the ABBA songs I actually like, but holy crap… Pierce, you can’t sing! Why did you agree do make this movie? o.O
Also, did you appreciate that ‘oh so convincing’ dialogue Academy Award winner Meryl Streep is delivering there? Yeeeaaah, that’s what this movie is like when it’s not singing horribly.
Do I need to say more?
Amanda Seyfried and What-his-face are the most unconvincing couple ever, the comic relief characters are one dimensional and/or annoying… The scenery is freaking beautiful, though… So if you mute it, you might enjoy looking at the film. >.>
Also, here’s a much better version of that song. I really quite like it annd I need to do it some justice. ^^”
01) Eat Pray Love
I read the book and I watched movie and I don’t honestly understand why people consider this such a life changing story. I don’t. It’s not horrible, but it’s far from life changing. The book is a simple biographic story, it’s okay.
The movie is extremely boring. Julia Roberts’ blandness doesn’t help the already not that interesting character and not really that interesting story. As much as I love Javier Bardem… He can pass as Brazilian as much as Antonio Banderas. If you need help with that analogy; that means he fucking can’t.
That movie was a waste of time. A waste of money. A waste of Javier Bardem. And a goddamn poor excuse of a ‘spiritual journey’. It’s just a journey! It maybe makes sense for the woman who lived it to call it spiritual, but I can’t for the life of me accept the idea of watching this yawn fest being life changing.
So that’s it, my top 10.
Bonus round? Bonus round!
Interview With The Vampire:
I considered placing this as number one, but to be honest, I don’t hate this movie. I just blame it for vampire fangirlism. I don’t like it but it’s one of the better vampire movies out there. I can’t deny that.
We’ve bitched about Twilight enough. Besides, a lot of people hate those movies too. It has almost as many haters as it has fans. So really, what would be the point of it in this list?
Everything Jane Austen:
Because Jane Austen. =_=
That was my list though. All movies people around me seem to love for some reason… They suck. >.>
I’ll see if I’ll make that follow up post on Cold Case and my musical list at some point in the next few days. Until then… Have a good one folks. 🙂