Hey guys, Future Bird here. Sorry this is a little late. I woke up pretty sick on the 23rd and while I did write half of this review then (you’ll notice me mention this in a couple of paragraphs, in fact), it actually got a bit worse on Christmas eve. So I couldn’t finish this in time for Christmas. I’m feeling a little better today though, so let’s do this!
The Christmas Tree is… A weird one. I honestly didn’t expect it to win the vote, but my one patron admitted that he rolled for it. Kinda his loss too because we ended up watching this together.
It’s free on YouTube if you guys want to experience first hand, but right off the bat: I don’t recommend it. It’s terrible, but it’s not really much fun. It is pretty short though so it’s not gonna hurt you too much to sit through.
It’s two days before Christmas as I write this and honestly, I’m feeling pretty under the weather (don’t worry, pretty sure it’s allergies again), and the only thing I want besides sleep is Stardew Valley, but I’m gonna sit and write this up for you guys. Because you… deserve it?
Okay, I don’t know why you guys keep coming back for crap like this, but I’m not gonna question it, lol.
Before we go into the story of the hellspawn orphans and Mrs. Microsoft Sam… I wanna briefly cover something I found intriguing. Flamarion Ferreira. Now, I don’t usually dig into the names behind the stuff I review. Some things I learn in passing (like the fact Stephenie Meyer has a Bachelors Degree in English) but I rarely go looking into a creator’s background. I want to talk about the art not the artist, but in this case I Googled it because Flamarion Ferreira is a pretty Brazilian sounding name and I was honestly worried about a Video Brinquedo situation (if you don’t know what I mean… Well, maybe I’ll go over those someday), but I actually discovered Flamarion Ferreira worked as an artist in some pretty good stuff, like the original She-Ra, He-Man, The Smurfs, The Ghostbusters, Phineas and Ferb. So… Don’t quit your day job I guess? Because let me tell you the character design and animation in this movie are horrible. And I’m not one to nitpick these things, but oh my God is it terrible. The proportions are weird, the facial expressions are horrible, some scenes are so poorly animated I legit thought the video had frozen when it hadn’t. It’s just that everything is so absolutely static in this movie until it suddenly starts going and it’s jarring as hell.
But what about the story? Well… It sucks too. Nothing happens, then suddenly A LOT of stuff happens… Only to get immediately resolved. And then it ends on a forced positive note.
Let’s go over it anyway. The story start with an orphanage run by the stupidest cartoon villain to ever cartoon villain, named Mrs Mavilda. I don’t know why there’s so much fan art of this stupid character, but I guess she’s memeable or something, because apparently there is a lot.
The deal with Mavilda is that she takes the money that’s supposed to go to the children and spends it all on gambling and booze. I don’t know if this is supposed to be portraying an addiction, but holy shit I hope not.
The movie gives us about 5 mins of exposition about Mavilda gambling the orphans’ money away and then Mayor Moneybags dropping literal bags of more money. There’s also a moment where she dresses up two of the orphans to look like they all have new clothes and as soon as Mayor Moneybags leaves she… Undresses the orphans. I would very much like to know who drew this and why they didn’t object.
The real story begins (and yes, the narrator says exactly this… Five minutes into the fucking movie) when Microsoft Sam and family move into town. The dad’s not important, he’s barely in the movie, but even though Imdb says otherwise, he 100% sounds like text-to-speech. The stilted as fuck animation doesn’t help convince me he’s not in fact a robot either. But again, the dad isn’t important, so never mind him.
Judy, the wife, and their two kids go live in the orphanage… For reasons (I’m sure they say but I honestly don’t remember) and Judy takes a job as Mavilda’s assistant. So here’s the thing, right… You’d think that someone who hates children as much as Mavilda does would be glad to have someone else deal with the little snot monsters and keep them out of her hair, but… NOPE. Because see, Mavilda has no real motivation, she just antagonizes everyone for the sake of it. You could say she doesn’t like Judy being there because she might find out she’s taking the orphanage’s money, but honestly? Judy is such a moron that the only reason she finds out anything is Mavilda’s own incompetence.
With that out of the way, let’s talk about these little demons:
Alright so the deal with these orphans is that they’re supposed to be cute and innocent and you’re supposed to feel sorry for them, but… They suck. Their character design is so uncanny and they didn’t have enough voice actors, I guess, so they chipmunk a random kid’s voice in several scenes and I can’t understand a word of what these little shits are saying. Like, there are several moments where it’s supposed to be like “aw, now the kids are sad!” but honestly, I was glad, because I didn’t want to see the little creeps dead-eyed-stare-smiling at me again. The little shits made the pine tree outside into their imaginary friend and think it’s going to somehow give them a mom and dad. Yeah, I know, it’s pretty stupid.
There are a multitude of reviews of this movie. The story isn’t what sells it. I think morbid curiosity is the only thing that sells it at this point. The movie itself is a bunch of scenes. Things sorta happen, but… It isn’t really a story. Judy comes in with her kids, they befriend the orphans (none of them have names btw, they’re just ‘the children’), Mayor Moneybags brings more money so there this lackluster back and forth of Judy telling the kids about Christmas and Santa and then Mavilda spending all the money in a poker game.
So the next morning Mavilda is hungover—and yeah, they explicitly say she’s hungover, in a kids movie, gotta love it—and Judy finds out she spent all the money. Well, actually, Judy is like “You spent all the money didn’t you?” and Mavilda kinda tries to deny it, but then immediately admits it. For no reason. She could just act offended and fire Judy, but instead she admits it and decides she needs to get her arrested to get rid of her? Don’t worry though, that doesn’t go anywhere. At all. She tells Judy to go pick something up with one of her friends and schemes with him to plant something valuable and call the police on her, but there’s a convenient snowstorm and she never even goes there. So, yeah, that was completely pointless.
The little demon spawn overhear Mavilda talking about sending Judy to prison and cutting down their stupid mom-tree (because it knows too much, I guess?), and they try to warn Judy. And the dumbass tells them to “talk to Miss Mavilda about it” because yes, the woman who unabashedly steals money from orphans is totally going to help with whatever this is. While Judy is off pointlessly trying to go get framed for theft, the little shits are trying to come up with a plan to help… The tree. Yeah. Even Judy’s kids are apparently more concerned about the tree possibly being cut down, okay then. They discuss a bunch of plans; one of which is to go talk to Mayor Moneybags about the situation; which is actually a decent plan, but what the inevitably settle on is going to the North Pole to ask Santa for help. So Judy’s little brats go off in the snow with the dog (there’s a dog, his name is Licorice), run into a bear and one of them gets hurled off a goddamn cliff (I’m not joking, that’s literally what happens). Why that bear wasn’t hibernating? Where the fuck did it come from? We don’t know and will never know.
Cut back to Judy and she’s getting back to the orphanage and finding out that her kids are missing. She sounds as emotional about it as a plank of wood. Meanwhile Mavilda fires Judy because it’s her fault she lost her children, I guess? Logic wtf is that. And one of her friends comes around to chainsaw the mom-tree.
Judy’s response to this is to be ten times more pissed than she was when she found out her goddamn kids were gone (guess that runs in the family then) and put herself and the children in the way of the fucking chainsaw. Lady, just because the brats believe the tree is magical doesn’t mean it’s worth fucking dying for!
The mayor is passing through I guess and sees this go down. So finally he realizes… Hey, I only ever see two kids at a time wear the exact same ‘new clothes’ every time I give this orphanage money! I guess I suck at my job. Half the town shows up out of nowhere I guess. Microsoft Sam comes around just in time for one of the brats to come back and say the other is probably dead in a ditch. In the middle of this whole mess, Mavilda just goes “YOLO, bitches!” and tries to chainsaw the mom-tree herself. At which point…
SHE GETS STRUCK BY MOTHERFUCKING LIGHTNING BY MOTHERFUCKING SANTA CLAUS!
Again, I’m not joking. Santas rolls around and zaps a bitch. No she doesn’t die, but holy shit, Santa!
Santa, zaps Mavilda with lightnint, magicks some new clothes for the children, parachutes some presents into every chimney and hooray, Christmas is saved!
Oh yeah, he brings Judy’s missing brat back too. Guess she didn’t die in a ditch.
The Mayor makes mom-tree the town’s official Christmas tree so no one can cut it down now and… In the stupidest move in this film yet, Microsoft Sam tells Judy she can’t take Mavilda’s job because they’ll be too busy raising 9 children! He wants to adopt all of the children, hooray! Instead of getting paid to take care of them, they’ll do it for free!
But then she takes the job anyway, so I guess there was no point to him saying that. He could’ve just said “Hey, let’s adopt all the children, honey!”
Then the narrator tells us Mavilda is Judy’s assistant at the orphanage, but don’t worry, she’s good now. He says it’s because she learned you always win when you’re good, but I think the lesson here is, “Be good or Santa will come and electrocute your ass”.
Merry Fucking Christmas. 😐
In all seriousness, Merry (late) Christmas, Happy Holidays. Hope you’re as happy as I am to see the end of this hell year. Hopefully the next one will be better.