Twilight Review: Chapter 03

[First] [Next (Coming whenever)]

Disclaimer: I’m not a professional critic. This is strictly my (clearly biased) opinion and if you like this book; hey, good for you. Don’t read this unless you know you can take a punch and laugh about it. Also… Strong language ahead probably. I hate Twilight with a fury.

I’m not in a good mood today. That’s why I decided to read Twilight and just wallow in my own fucking existential nightmare. Also, I still haven’t watched Alice in Wonderland and the last three reviews I did of this nature were Cursed Child, so… It’s overdue. =.=

This one is titled Phenomenon. Which, is a great Thousand Foot Krutch song. It’s not a great chapter though.

What Happens

Weather report of course! But wait, it’s sorta relevant this time? The roads are icy, Bella almost gets hit by a van in the school parking lot and Edward loses his title of ‘best character’ from chapter two by saving her life and dooming us all to suffer through the rest of this series. Also by being a gigantic asshole.

Let’s Break It Down

Where to start with this one… Well, with the positives, I guess? It’s a much more straightforward chapter than the previous two. Things happen, Bella is insufferable, Edward is an asshole, the chapter ends. Yes, that’s the positives. All of them. It rambles less, that’s the best I can say for it.

Again, I’m willing to forgive the weather report for this one, since the icy roads are plot relevant, but I’m not willing to forgive how much it still lingers on Bella hating the fact it’s fucking snowing. It’s worse than me starting a new Arc of Shadows Rise.


Now, before I get into the actual incident in this chapter and start pointing out all the ways both main characters are absolute garbage, I want to draw attention to this passage:

When I got out of my truck at school, I saw why I’d had so little trouble. Something silver caught my eye, and I walked to the back of the truck — carefully holding the side for support — to examine my tires. There were thin chains crisscrossed in diamond shapes around them. Charlie had gotten up who knows how early to put snow chains on my truck. My throat suddenly felt tight. I wasn’t used to being taken care of, and Charlie’s unspoken concern caught me by surprise.

I want to draw attention to this for two reasons 1) Charlie is a great dad and I want you to remember that and 2) this was almost good. By itself it’s actually good, except it rings so hollow in the context of how Bella actually treats her dad throughout this. This realization changes absolutely nothing. Bella’s attitude towards Charlie doesn’t change. And considering the fact that following this realization Bella almost fucking dies, there was more than enough opportunity to use this for actual character growth. BUT NOPE. None of that.

With that out of the way, let’s start with why Bella is garbage, because I have less to say about her this time. Not because she isn’t so bad, but because she’s bad for all the reasons I already explained in the first two chapters. Prior to the shocking realization her father would rather she doesn’t die a horrible death, she’s internally bitching about the weather, swooning over the fact she gets to see Edward again at school even though, she points out herself, that’s completely stupid considering how little they know each other.

If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.

Bella knowing she’s being stupid and doing it anyway, doesn’t help her case in the slightest, my dude. It makes it much, much worse in fact.

She also drops this gem of a line and… Stephenie Meyer has a bachelor’s degree in English.

In a lot of ways, living with Charlie was like having my own place, and I found myself reveling in the aloneness instead of being lonely.

Like, I know what she’s trying to say here, but oh my GOD does it read like shit. Seriously, who edited this book? Who looked at this and decided it was good to go? No. Bella is a 17-year-old who apparently reads Wuthering Heights for funsies and she expresses herself like this. WHO APPROVED THIS.

Just a second while I run this by my editor real quick.



So yeah. lol

Bella also drives to school thinking about how much she hates being so popular and how annoying it is that she has two boys crushing on her. Why couldn’t Satan have made her less beautiful! She’s good at too many things! Why can’t she just be normal? It’s a fucking curse!

Wait, wrong Sue. 😛

If you didn’t get that reference climb out from under your rock and go read my My Immortal series. I take no responsibility for your lost brain cells though.

In all seriousness though, some like to make the argument that people loved to hate on Twilight because we’re conditioned to hate things teenage girls like and again, there’s a lot of merit to that claim, but also if I can make such a clean, direct, segue from talking about the main character of your published novel to talking about Eboby from My Immortal, that is a serious fucking problem. I mean, yeah, unwanted attention kind of sucks, but… There are no examples of any of these boys being anything other than extremely nice to Bella and the way she refers to them in narration is always so extremely mean spirited, like they’re not even people to her. I mean, she literally called Mike a Golden Retriever in chapter two. She is legitimately just a horrible person. And this extends to, poor, fucking… traumatized Tyler. Who thankfully also got saved by Edward from having to live with causing the horrible death of one of his classmates. Bella treats his guilt riddled apologies with the same consideration one would the sound of an insect buzzing around their head.

Bella also goes on to complain about how mortifying it is that apparently the entire fucking school cared enough to come to the hospital just to see that she’s still alive. I don’t know, it’s just bizarre to me that the character we’re supposed to sympathize with here is constantly so bitter about being showered with love and attention wherever she goes. Now, I was a teenager when this book came out and, hell, this was definitely not something I would have found relatable at that age. And I know what the argument for that is: “Well, it’s supposed to be wish fulfillment”, okay, but… Maybe is the ace part of me speaking, but I don’t understand the ‘having all the boys throwing themselves at me while I’m a bitch to all of them’ fantasy. And also the ‘being constantly horrible to my dad who does everything for me’ fantasy. I don’t get that one either.

How about Edward, though? How is Edward absolutely horrible in this chapter? Well… He saves Bella’s life by committing a very blatant act of super human speed and strength right in front of her. Then proceeds to laugh at her head trauma; more than once, and then gaslight the shit out of her to try and make her believe she just hit her head too hard and she didn’t actually see what she thinks she saw. And if I had a drink for each time Bella refers to Edward’s good looks while he’s literally insisting she’s brain damaged and acting like a total asshole, I wouldn’t have to write this fucking review, because I’d be dead.

hate these characters. Both of them, but I hate Bella the most. I hate Bella because she’s the voice in this book reacting to this fucking dude like this is no big deal. If we had a character who actually reacted to Edward  like he’s being a fucking asshole, but no. Even though she acts mad at him, she also can’t stop thinking about how attractive he is and no. Just no.

Also, yeah, the vampire thing… I understand that vampires in the Twiverse are supposed to be irresistible to humans, but… spoiler for this 15 year old book… They also like to stress the fact Edward can’t affect Bella the way he affects everyone else. Which I think is to try and make this relationship less creepy by at least stating she’s not brainwashed by vampire pheromones or whatever, but it doesn’t actually help anything.

They meet Edward’s dad at the hospital… He’s actually okay. The rest of the Cullens are generally okay to me and I actually kinda like Alice and Rosalie. Just as an aside, most side characters in this are okay, sadly Edward and Bella suck major ass and I can’t stand them. Bummer. Carlisle confirms Bella is okay, Charlie takes her home, mortified that her friends care she’s still alive. And then he tells her she should call her mother because of course he told her what happened. Bella treats this like some horrible betrayal when… Charlie is responsible for her, Renée is her mother and she almost died, so of course he needs to tell her what happened, you dipshit. Charlie apologizes for this, for some reason, the poor bastard.

And then, while talking to her mom, this happens:

She begged me to come home— forgetting the fact that home was empty at the moment — but her pleas were easier to resist than I would have thought. I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I wasn’t as eager to escape Forks as I
should be, as any normal, sane person would be.

Fuck this book, man. Okay, Conclusion.

My Thoughts

I’m gonna try to be more consistent with posting reviews. And I know I’ve said this many times before, but actually having Patreon support makes me want to produce more content for this blog. And don’t get me wrong; money’s great and I like it, but the fact one or two people think I’m worthy of their support means a whole lot more. It’s extremely encouraging to think my takes on horrible crap like the Coronaverse books and Twilight actually entertain people. That people find humor in how I write these reviews and, most important of all, my suffering is not in vain, lol. This is to preface the fact that if it takes me another year or two to do another chapter of this book… It’s entirely because of how unbelievably frustrating it is. No other reason.

I think, above anything else, my biggest gripe with Twilight is the fact it has all the necessary elements for character development and growth and it does nothing with it. There were so many great opportunities in these first few chapters to actually give depth to Bella’s relationship with Charlie. The dinner scene in chapter two, the snow chains in this chapter, the entire hospital scene. The payoff of that whole paragraph of Bella almost in tears over the snow chains on her tires? She calls Charlie ‘dad’ when they’re getting her in the ambulance. That’s it. And it’s just a throwaway line. It has no impact. I know that the focus is supposed to be the romance and whatnot, but I can’t stress enough how idiotic it is that her mom wants her to go home; proving once again that she never needed to come to Forks in the first place, and her reason for staying isn’t that she’s finally building a relationship with her dad or that she’s started to make friends here… It’s that she wants to know what the deal is with that weird guy who treated her like crap, is clearly strong enough to dent a fucking car somehow, and laughed her head trauma repeatedly.

Seriously, fuck this book.

Stay safe, stay healthy, wear a mask. I’ll be back with a Christmas related reviews on, well, probably Christmas.

Later guys.


Twilight Review: Chapter 02

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Disclaimer: I’m not a professional critic. This is strictly my (clearly biased) opinion and if you like this book; hey, good for you. Don’t read this unless you know you can take a punch and laugh about it. Also… Strong language ahead probably. I hate Twilight with a fury.

Twins help me. It’s this thing again. *sigh* Usually I’d say something like ‘better late than never’, but this is Twilight. I’m not fooling anyone with that.

Still… A promise is a promise is a promise. And I agreed to do this. When things are a little more stable concerning doing actual work and producing better-written things than this tripe, I’ll try to get these chapter reviews out more frequently. After all, we have a lot of ground to cover in this goddamn series.

The bright side is, I talked to the friend who asked me to do this and she agreed that asking me to be ‘nice’ about it was too much. She changed that term of our agreement to ‘be objective’, which as much as I curse this book, I always try my hardest to be. So no problem there.

I still need to try and point out a positive at the end of each chapter though. So. Ha. 😐

With that out of the way, let’s move on to Twilight chapter two, expertly titled…

Open Book.

Okay, whatever, I’m not good enough at titles to properly express my thoughts on that.

I’m moving on.

What Happens

Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. -.-

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Twilight Review: Preface + Chapter 01

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Disclaimer: I’m not a professional critic. This is strictly my (clearly biased) opinion and if you like this book; hey, good for you. Don’t read this unless you know you can take a punch and laugh about it. Also, I tried not to curse but failed, so… Strong language ahead.

Alright. I’m doing this. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!? >.<

Sorry, guys, that was just a personal message for the dear, dear, friend who bribed me to do this for her. -.-

I’m not going to do much introduction to this. Everyone is sick of knowing what Twilight is and it’s not much of a secret that I hate it with the fire and fury of a thousand suns.

That said, I gave my word that I would be as fair as I possibly can about this book and I meant it. I don’t want this review series to turn into a rage induced rant (we already have NITWIT for that, don’t we? -.-). Because, in all honesty, the first time I read this book I was so angry with it I spent an entire afternoon ranting about it to Wifey over IMs and then in person to another friend who was sitting next to me enjoying the spectacle of smoke coming out of my ears. I was so angry that I decided not to read the rest of the series for my own sake and that of everyone around me. That was a good number of years ago., though, and I would like to think I’ve matured since then and can now go through this without completely losing my shit.

Time will tell, I guess.

It’s the first time I do a chapter-by-chapter review so, I’m going to give a very short summary of what happens in the chapter, then break it down by quoting certain ‘notable’ passages and talking about them, then finally I’ll give my final thoughts. Since a requirement for this review is that I find a positive in each chapter, I’ll leave that part last. You know, to end on a positive note. Or something. *groans* UghI’malreadyregrettingthis.

Let’s begin! -.-

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